[houston720]

I am a male and I have been married for about 14 years. We dated for 5 years before we got married. She asked me out on our first date. I was moderately attracted to her at best in the beginning. And now after being married all of these years, I am really not attracted to her at all. I don't think I was ever in love with her. I've only stayed with her for the comfort factor, because she is a nice person and now because of our 2 kids. Is there any way for me to become attracted to her? I have tried over the years to convince myself to fall in love with her, but I just don't know how to manufacture that. I am at the end of my rope now. If something doesn't change in the next few weeks, I will probably move toward a divorce in 2008. I hate to break up my family. Meanwhile, I have met someone else that I am very attracted to. I don't know what to do. Please advise. Thank you very much.
Houston...

[mcmama]

Why would you marry someone you are not attracted to? Why would you date someone you are not attracted to for 5 years? Why aren't you attracted to her?

What has the other person got that she ain't got - that makes you realize that now you are attracted?

Are you in an arranged marriage?

You need to have a serious and honest talk with your wife. After the holidays.

[houston720]

It’s not an arranged marriage. I guess when we met, I was using logic instead of my heart. She was a good person and I knew she would make a good wife and mother to my kids one day. But I guess the lesson is, you should marry the person you are in love with and not the one that makes logical sense? Anyway, you didn’t really answer my question. But thanks anyway.

[Punkrockmommie87]

There is no way I know of that you can "make" yourself fall in love with someone. I think love is something you feel and it can't be made or copied.
To me if your not in love with her, why did you marry her? Yes it's nice that she would make a nice wife and mother but did you ever think about how she would feel knowing that you were never really in love with her? (I'm not trying to sound rude I hope it didn't come off that way)
But I would talk with her and tell her how you feel about it. Maybe try getting help for both you and your wife. I hope everything works out.

[neighbor]

You really got a very big problems in your hands right now. Why would you marry a woman who you are not attracted to? I think something is really wrong with you. Try talking with a psychiatrist maybe they can help you with your problem.

[PetScribe]

I don't believe in divorce in most cases, but unfortunately your case sounds like one of those where that's basically inevitable. Especially now that you've met someone esle who makes you want to be with them.

You're going to have to have a big talk with her. Be gentle. Finding out after 14 years that your husband never really loved you is going to be horrible for her.

And you can stay in your kids' lives. Make it clear you want that. And if you have enough of a relationship where you and your wife are at least friends, try to continue that too. Not all divorces end badly. It can be amicable.

But understand that when you admit to her you aren't attracted and don't love her that she's going to be reeling. And as McMama said...do it after the holidays. My parents broke up at Christmas, dad moved out on Christmas Eve, and it's wrecked that holiday for me ever since. I know today is Christmas as I'm delivering this advice to you. I hope you haven't told your wife anything yet. Wait until after the 1st if possible. She'll forever remember the date you came to her expressing these feelings and it's so much better if you can not associate it with a major holiday.

At least give her that much.

[littletony]

You came here for opinions, so here's mine. Your kids didn't ask for any of this. They don't deserve the mess of a divorce. Remember that a marriage about many things more then just attraction. It's about love, communication, companionship and trust and other important things. You have been with your wife for 14 years. Why not stick it out until your kids are 18. You can then make whatever decision you want. Give them a chance to grow up in an intact home. It is the best thing for them. Isn't being a father about sacrifice? And who knows, maybe when you give into the idea that for better or worse meant, yes, even this, then you can come to be attractted to this women who married you, loves you and had two beautiful children for you. I feel if you ever tell you how you feel, you will destroy her. She will blame herself and it's not her fault. When she married you she believed the attraction was there, why wouldn't she? Just my two cents.

[mcmama]

Sometimes you just can't stick it out. I know why my ex husband is not attracted to me. I am female. He is not attracted to females. He is attracted to males. He cannot change this, so he needs to make some decisions about how he behaves. I don't think he has made very good decisions about the company he keeps, but that is his problem now. It is no longer mine.

Regardless of the reason, you cannot make yourself be attracted to someone you are not attracted to. The question then is, why did you marry this person and take up so much of her life? What did a "good person" do to deserve this? Because I can tell you at the end of the "good person's" day she feels pretty much used, discarded, and deceived. And why would you want to force yourself to be attracted to someone you weren't attracted to in the first place, someone who you had to make an effort with for this, because she is a "good person". What was the payoff for you?

So you make a decision. You find a way to stay married, or you end your marriage. Are you both better off continuing to be married or not?

The op mentioned being attracted to "someone else" - not "another woman". For someone who has experienced what I have, this sends up some red flags that you could be struggling with how to tell your wife that you are experiencing a same sex attraction. If not, forgive me, it is just my perspective since so often people speak in code about this.

If that is the problem, please private message me. There are resources for both you and your wife to help you decide what is right for you both.

[starleads]

Thats a tough situation to be in. I had a friend in the same kinda situation, almost. After spending a few years with his wife he was nt attracted to her anymore. He wanted to stay apart and we let him do so. Initially he seemed happy but after a few months, he has realised what he is missing. But that was his decision and she is a strong willed lady so there isnt much chance for him now. What ever you decide , it will effect you and your whole family. Somethings are easy to do but tough to handle.

[gaga24]

I'm sorry but you're saying you were with this woman for 5 years before marraige & married for 14 years and never loved her, I don't buy it. That is the excuse I've heard over & over for ending a marriage I never loved her/him. I for one think it is a cop out and a very lame excuse to make yourself feel better. You have 2 children that don't deserve to have their lives turned upside down.