[kygirl6068]

Hello all, this is long, but bear with me. I am just a step away from calling the authorities but am still considering options. What do you all think?

The situation as of now (the quick version) :

My husband's ex girlfriend got pregnant (they never married) and had twin boys, and now their twins are 3 1/2.
For the first couple of years of their lives, the ex would rarely let my husband visit with his boys. She wouldn't let him take them anywhere; she would only let him come to her apartment. He has taken pictures when there, (she lives with her mom) and it is FILTHY. Trash on the floors, junk all around, no decor or even attempts to make it look like a "home"...
The Grandma (ex's mom) works and works 6 and sometimes 7 days a week. The ex does not work.
When they were still in diapers, he was paying her around $700/month via a special agreement they had (instead of court ordered child support). He paid her this much money so that she could take them to daycare and go to work. However, she only went to work part-time and eventually quit her job. She incurred a $1,000 debt to this daycare and they kicked her out of it because of her nonpayments; and eventually took my husband to court to get a court child-support order (even though he NEVER once lacked a payment).
A few weeks before the child support court date, she quit her part time job (I think believing that my H would have to pay her more $), and when she went to the court hearing, attempted to submit *her* personal bills such as cable, cell phone, etc.- to which the prosecutor firmly told her that the ONLY concern was for the children, not her bills. My husband's child support payment via the court order was significantly lower- in fact, after their calculations, he now pays $380/month. You would think that she would wake up at this point and go to work, realizing that no one is required to take care of HER- only the kids. But no- she still is what she calls herself, a "stay at home mom".
However, all of the money aspects are quite irrelevant to my worries: I am extremely worried about the way she treats the kids. At the child support hearing, my H told the prosecutor that she was very unwilling to permit my H to take the kids to his house to visit, so then and there they set up every weekend visitation so that the boys could stay with us.
A few weeks into their visits, we began to notice things:
1) Both boys suck their thumb/fingers obsessively. After some research I saw that kids usually do that in an obsessive manner if they feel alone or for self-comfort reasons

2) The ex's townhome-style apartment had an intense bedbug infestation; and she and her mother almost got evicted because they didn't follow the guidelines to fix the problem for weeks

3) Two visits in a row, both boys had huge whopper bruises- once one of them had one across his forehead. Once she called my H at midnight because she was leaving the emergency room because one boy had to get stitches in his head because he fell- but she doesn't know how it happened. Now I know that kiddos get hurt- I know it's inevitable because they fall, they are clumsy, etc. However, both times, the mom's excuse was- "They were up in their room alone, I didn't see what happened." Why were they alone? Why are they ALWAYS alone? They are only 3, they aren't 6 (it would be ok @ 6 to play by themselves with less supervision)- why are they up in their room ALONE all the time???

4) When my H takes them back home, both boys cry and scream, he has to bribe them to get out of the car. When he walks them to the front stoop, sometimes they pull away from his grip and run back and stand next to our car. When the ex opens the door and attempts to hug them, they run away from her and say "No! No! No!"

5) They have never.once.ever. when staying with us, cried over their mommy, stated that they miss their mommy, said that they want to go home...

6) Last weekend (and this kills me) when my H picked up the boys, she was sitting on the floor watching TV (the floor because she had to get rid of her couches because of the bedbugs). It was 1:30pm and she says to my husband: "They haven't had anything to eat yet."

I mean am I overreacting? I feel as though this woman does not care for the kids at all. Most times when they are with us we bathe the boys and their little toenails are filthy dirty, so are their fingernails. Their skin is rough and bumpy- not alike a 3 year old's should be. I don't think she bathes them often if at all, and I think about it all the time. I go to law school and work part time- I am very motivated so I'm not sure if I'm viewing this through my Type-A lens, or if this is really as bad as it seems.

Any comments/help/advice are appreciated.

[mcmama]

Kids that age sometimes show difficulty with transitions - so that may explain the thumbsucking and the screaming when your h brings them back. But the rest of it is very disturbing.

If you both want custody of these children, you should file for it. Very likely you have a case. She can't bully him into not seeing the kids.

Fact is, he's paid the support on time, and then some. And the bedbug problem is probably documented elsewhere.

[Mama2Joce]

Write down everything that happens. Every single thing.
This is no mild matter, these things sound very serious. Many times kids don't want to transition between houses, so it would be normal for them to say they wanted to stay with you guys. But to not get out of the car, not want to go up to the house, and when they actually SEE their mom, yell and run the other way? NOT normal. Kids that age are usually mommy-crazy. When they haven't seen their moms for a while, they usually go nuts over them.
You need to go to court, no questions asked. But it is a lot harder to take kids away from their mother than it is from the father. Especially since she has had custody up until now. That is why you need to write down every single thing that you can remember, with as much detail as possible, and the dates. Keep a log. The courts will want a lot of proof to be able to take the children from their mother. I don't know what you and your husband's household is like, but from the sounds of it, it sounds a whole lot better than where they are now. For those little kid's sakes, you guys need to act. The sooner, the better.
So sorry you are having to go through this, it must break your heart.

[kygirl6068]

Thank you all so much for your replies. We have been writing things down, but I wish we had taken pictures, especially when the bruises were present on their skin.
What do you all make of the bumpy skin? Is that a sign of not bathing? I'm just curious since we don't have kids of our own but all of the babies/toddlers I know don't have that issue (as far as I can remember)

[Momof2kids]

Keeping a log is very helpful and useful for the future court dates. Using a newspaper in the picture can also help date the photo with proof and no lying can be assumed. (A friend of mine did this becuz his ex kept saying he never takes the child...and he had dated pictures). Also, the bumps on the skin could mean a variety of things...lack of nutririon or bathing. The kids doctor should have done a vitamin test on the kids at one time to check to see if they are getting enough. Maybe your husband can find info that way?

[BonusMom]

I'm sorry, But you are Highly Overreacting.

So you have children? If not that might be why you think that things should be different. 3 year olds play in thier rooms by themselves. My SD did for hours. and I was SOOO happy I got some time to clean on my own without the "Mommies" being yelled all the time. And she fell all the time. Once while moving she burned herself on a lightbulb from a lamp that was on without a lampshade (because we hadn't found it yet in the boxes and needed light) and she was SIX already. She got stuck in the stomach with a stick while playing with friends and got a scar. She constantly has scratches and bruses we didnt even see/know happened. My sisters TWO year old goes up to his bedroom and plays by himself. Sometimes he trips on his toys and bumps his head. Neglect is if she Didnt take them to the hospital or come running when they get hurt.

My DH and I have raised SD for a long time. and when she came home from visiting her grandmother or birthmother she would run from us. She sometimes would hide at her grandmothers house (where she visited BM because she lives out of state) under beds and stuff where they would have to carry her to the car crying when they found her. One time DH had to take SD out of her GM car and carry her in the house so hystarical that she was ripping things off the walls as he was going down the hallway. ITs not because they dont want to be with thier mother, its because in a perfect world they wouldnt have to leave thier father. We felt like Jerks when she acted like that. We thought it somehow gave them the impression that she loved them more than us. We thought she wanted to show some strange loyalty to them at the drop off. We thought a lot of things. But we were wrong. She just wanted to spend more time with them, and now that she is older she tells us these things. She tells us that she acted that way that once (tearing things off the walls) because she just wanted to spend one more day there, not because she didnt want to come home.

I cant tell you how often I remember to clean SD's nails. Boy oh boy if I had two kids (TWINS) to care for, cleaning nails woudl be last on my list of priorities.

Remember its easy to judge someone elses parenting if your outside looking in. and those kids act different with you than they do with her. They are displaced from thier everyday life to be with there and you are seeing thier reaction to a different enviroment. Just like how a grandparent or aunt would say the kids were angels there, or have a different view of thier personality than you do.

[jkl123]

Sorry, but I do NOT agree with the previous poster. Three year olds (or 2 year olds, in her case) should NOT be left alone to play - there is too much stuff they can get into and are just too curious at that age. And yeah, I think it IS a form of neglect if you leave your child alone and they get burned by an uncovered lightbulb (same as if it were the stove, the fireplace, a candle). It's a parent's job to keep the environment safe, not the child's job to know what is safe and what is not.
It is also the parent's job to keep their children clean - that being said, kids DO get dirty and usually have dirt under their nails. My kids nails don't get cleaned every single day, but we do make a habit out of it. teaching kids personal hygene is important. I'd be more worried about the bumpy skin than the dirty fingernails. Espec. if there was a bedbug problem - could be a rash from those.
I do not think you are overreacting, and if by some chance you are, it is always best to err on the side of caution where kids are concerned. My advice to you would be to talk to a family lawyer and see if you have a case, see if the kids' pedi will talk to your husband, and try to see if there other people who may have witnessed neglect that you can talk to. And most importantly, keep watching the way you are.

[mcmama]

Concern about bedbugs is not an overreaction. It is very serious. I know plenty of poor people and they don't have bedbugs. And it's an indication that other things could be wrong.

True, tranistional behaviors are different with kids - they may not seem to miss their mom, they may cry to leave their dad, etc - so all that will give you is a gut feeling. When I was a child care provider, there were kids who would scream like I was murdering them when their parents left, and by the time the parents were a block away, they were settled for the day.

But I don't have bedbugs. Never did, never will.

[ahermitt]

If there are bed bugs in the home and the kids have bumpy skin then the kids are getting bitten by the bugs. You will also want to make sure the infestation does not move to your home.

I also don't think you are over reacting.... but you do need to tread lightly.

[IsabellaSoriano]

if the children are really in danger of being neglected, the you need to contact social services.
bedbugs are hard to get rid of. i had them. you HAVE to throw out the mattress. sterilize everthing, often throw alot of stuff out. if dad is really concerned dad can buy new mattresses, this might help mom feel motivated to clean elsewhere. but hey, if dad wants just to point fingers, he can leave it alone.
i have 4 kids. my house is a mess right now. i'm tired of picking up toys, making the bed every five minutes, rearranging my clothes, the kids clothes all day long. then i have to feed, clothes, bathe and put down for naps. i have been doing this since 6:30am. right now, the house is a mess yet again. i'm taking a break. for one hour while i chat on the internet and eat my lunch. then i have to re-clean my house again before the two older kids come home from school. wanna call the authorities on me too?

you are overinvolved.