[mrg]

Hey everyone this is my first post here so HI!
I was just wondering if maybe anyone else out there has this problem but... I seem to have a problem being around my inlaws all the time. I just can't stand it anymore. It seems like my wife is forcing me to go to all their get togethers (which is practically every week.) and go to her parents house all the time. I told her that it isn't fair to us or our daughter that we can't spend our time to ourselves without having to feel guilty about breaking one of her dates with her family.
I offered that she go on her own while I stay at home with my daughter but then she won't go at all. So I feel guilty in the end.
I just never pictured my life with my inlaws all the time - instead I pictured us three together and an occasional visit / get together once in awhile. At the rate were going.. There is a birthday every month beginning in april all through december which she just HAS TO BE THERE FOR.. not to mention dinners, holidays, etc.. I don't know what to do!
How do I get my wife to understand my position? I just want MY family to have our OWN traditions and our OWN time.

[Alejandros Mommy]

Firstly Hello! Welcome to Families!

From what you write it seems like your wife is putting you guys 2nd. You are her family now...she has to realize this.
Before I got married I used to do everything I could with my Sis's and my parents. I'd be over at my moms all the time. Now that I am married My Family comes first...before parents and Sisters. It is very hard to learn this....just the other day my husband and I talked about this. I guess sometimes people don't realize that they need to step back and take a look at what they are doing.

I suggest you sit with her and ask her what are the most important things to her. If she answers family..ask her who her family is. She is the one that needs to define this...if you push it she'll just resent you (unfortunately). Then Ask her if she thinks that you and your DD (dear daughter) should be #1 before anyone else.
Just let her reflect on things...you both need to have a long "chat" prefeably when your DD is asleep. Good luck and I hope the both of you will compromise

[floridamama]

I agree, it does sound like she's placing her family's needs over you & your daughter's. I would sit down with her, and explain to her how you feel. I don't think you are being unreasonable at all in wanting to create your own family traditions and whatnot.
Hopefully she'll get the message, and make some changes in regards to the amount of time you all spend with her family.
Good luck!

[QueenAngie]

Welcome to the board!

Just curious how long you and your wife have been married. I am wondering if before you were married, that you spent any time with your wife's family. I'd have to guess that prior to marriage, you attended some of the birthday parties, holidays, with her family.

Sounds like you all live in the same town or closeby, so traveling is not the issue.

You and your wife need to sit down and have a chat about this topic.

There must be 9 people in her extended family if they have birthdays from April to December. Everybody has birthdays. Birthdays must be a special celebration in her family.

Not every family believes in celebrating birthdays together. Perhaps your family was like this when you were growing up.

I was born into a large family and DH knew this long before we were married about my extended family (my parents, and 7 sisters).

Some families are not close.

Ever hear that saying,
"A daughter is a daughter all of her life.
A son is a son until he gets a wife."

Birthdays are a Big Thing in my family. It is a lovely tradition. My DH doesn't quite understand it, but he does know that it makes me happy. It was my Special Day and still is!

It's tradition to be with the ones you love for cake, ice cream, blowing out the candles, singing "Happy Birthday," opening a gift, sharing smiles, visiting, getting hugs & kisses on your special day.

Yes, you do need some traditions with just you, your daughter, and your wife.

You both need to calmly sit down and discuss which that you will have for just the 3 of you at home.

And with that, you both will also decide which of her family events you will attend, where you will be a friendly and loving husband (and not complain about attending.)

Give and take.

Marriage is a lot more about giving than taking.
Your wife probably feels like she is giving you 110% and you probably feel like you are giving her 110%.

Let us know how this comes out.

[mrg]

Hey! Thanks for the reply.
They have a large extended family and they are all very close. My wife and I are going on married 2 years and before that 4 years - but that 4 year period was not spent attending all their events. I always knew that they did this but I never thought I would be expected to attend them all!
The issue is not with her birthday, it's with everyone elses! All their get togethers, all their birthdays (November has 3 birthdays alone all seperated weekly...... so there is that whole month.), ALL holidays (with 2 birthdays plus holidays..), they celebrate easter, memorial day, etc! I can't take it because well.. I like my time alone with my own family and I don't think my wife quite understands that I grew up not doing that stuff and I grew up with space for myself. While I do enjoy being with them sometimes - it's just not something I want to be doing all the time.
Since my last post - I've spoken to her about it and well she's tried to understand and I told her that she's free to go to the events if she wants but to understand that I will stay home and spend time with my daughter while she does it. So far so good, but that's only half the battle with the inlaws - that's a whole seperate thread that I will make now though.

[QueenAngie]

MRG, glad to hear that you "have spoken to" your loving wife further.

I am very surprised that you are allowing her to attend her extended family events.

But you are not allowing your daughter to attend them with her own mother.

Perhaps I am reading too much into this, but I am seeing control issues here.

[mrg]

Originally Posted by QueenAngie

MRG, glad to hear that you "have spoken to" your loving wife further.

I am very surprised that you are allowing her to attend her extended family events.

But you are not allowing your daughter to attend them with her own mother.

Perhaps I am reading too much into this, but I am seeing control issues here.

Control issues? Hardly - I give her the freedom and space she needs as you just saw. But that seems to be the typical response to any man that makes a decision for himself.
Also, If my daughter (10 mos old by the way) was to attend all their events then she might as well be raised by them. I have an issue with letting them instill their traditions (in laws) on my daughter. I want to show her what it's like to live a life that's not surrounded around them 24/7. Which they constantly try to do - so it is an issue with me that my daughter is raised the way we ( my wife and I ) want and not the in-laws (of either side). We come from hispanic backgrounds so our inlaws are very old fashioned and believe they are entitled to more than just BEING a grandparent, aunt, etc. They are very.. "FAMILY CIRCLE". and anyone outside of that circle (inlaws, bf's, gf's, friends) will be left out. I don't want my daughter to ever pick that up from them. WE want our own traditions, but still don't mind going over for Holidays and such.
Thanks for your steady responses!

[twinzplus3]

We were in the same position and have been married 11 years. Except it's my husbands' family. I really like cooking and felt badly that we didn't have any of our own traditions. We are equally big and there is a b-day party and holidays for every single cotton pickin' thing!

What we've come to realize is that:

this time is extremely important to our kids. Their grandparents and cousins are a HUGE part of their life. . .and this is a good thing.

we need some of our own traditions as well. . .things that our kids remember with just us

birthdays are over rated

What we've done is for major holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas. . .we attend. It is just that important for my MIL. And I didn't want to be the 'bad guy' (does that make sense?) Christmas Eve is also a big thing but we skip it and do our own thing. We also have a Thanksgiving tradition that is just ours--we go to the Macy's Day Parade and throw a huge breakfast. So we've learned to combine both our traditions and then theres.

We go no more than twice a month. There is thanksgiving in November plus 3 birthdays. We do Thanksgiving and one birthday. This was a compromise bc like you. . .I couldn't keep being away from home all that time.

In any case, I have to tell you it took awhile to work out. Really, you and your wife are still newlyweds. It took awhile for my dh to know me well enough (bc you 'know' your spouse before you get married. . .but then not really KWIM?) to realize that it wasn't a personal issue w/ his family. . .and it took awhile for me to realize the importance of their influence and relationship in my children's lives. HTH

[mrg]

Originally Posted by twinzplus3

we need some of our own traditions as well. . .things that our kids remember with just us
In any case, I have to tell you it took awhile to work out. Really, you and your wife are still newlyweds. It took awhile for my dh to know me well enough (bc you 'know' your spouse before you get married. . .but then not really KWIM?) to realize that it wasn't a personal issue w/ his family. . .and it took awhile for me to realize the importance of their influence and relationship in my children's lives. HTH

Thanks alot for your response! I appreciate it.
I agree with you completely except for just giving into Holidays just because you didn't want to be the bad guy. I definitely won't lose time with my little girl just because my In Laws wouldn't like it - BUT - I do compromise like you and we talked about Holidays and how we would alternate between them. Because, well it's important to my wife. (We booked a vacation this Christmas to Disney just for US this year and it feels great.)
I feel that this time with my little girl is time I will never have again and I don't want to waste a minute of it changing our lives completely just because the in laws are very time demanding.

[twinzplus3]

True. . .but it's also time that her grandparents will never have with her again. But I'm glad you're working it out. Like I said. . .it takes awhile but the ultimate goal is something you can all live with so I'm sure you'll get there eventually.