[Tee]

My heart goes out to you who survived sexual abuse by parent. My partner (31 years old) and her sister (34 years old) were molested by their father for 2 - 3 years between the ages of 10 & 14. The older daughter told the mom about the dad molesting her. The mom took her to a rape crisis center and CPS removed all the children from the home for a period of one year but the father was never charged or arrested. The mother died shortly after my partner at the time 18 years old, in an angry outburst, revealed that the father molested her also.
My question is this: How do I cope with the fact that my partner still has a relationship with this man? I can't stand the fact that this animal was never charged and never took responsibility for what he has done. I hate going over to his home for anything (holidays, drive bys). It's tearing me up. I find myself upset everytime he calls or she asks if I mind going with her to his home. I feel like I just want to get far away from the entire situation. I love her but I just don't know how much I can take. Would I be wrong if I tell her I don't want to have anything to do with him? If I do that, then he will be sure to tell her siblings that I don't want to have anything to do with him and then they will start acting funny. What should I do? She's never gotten counseling for this. Her response is she's forgiven him and she doesn't want to waste time thinking about the past. The issue I have with this is every now and then she starts this long dialog about how her dad was so unfair to her and her sister to a point her eyes start filling with tears.
Please respond.

[MJ7]

I am have never been victim to insest, but I'd like to put my 2 cents in for what it's worth.

The best thing you can do for your friend is be a friend. What was the norm to you was not to her at one point so she will not have the same feelings as you do entirely. You can tell her you're concerned for her and that it's difficult to see her upset after a visit and hard for you to be around this guy knowing what happend. If you are going to stay with her, you need to recognize it's her choice what she wants to do with the pain from here on out. I'd keep encouraging counceling though and let her know what it might do for her.

[imaginif]

Hi Tee
very hard situation for partners to be in. Have you read Bass and Davis' book on partnering a survivor of child abuse. It's well woth a track down. Most survivors of incest love their parent - they just want the abuse to stop and for things to be 'nice". I agree with MJ, it's your partners choice. Your feelings and needs are different to hers and you need to look after you. If you can't stomach having contact with the incestuous father don't. He will start stories anyway - he's been doing it all his life to keep his secret hidden.
If you have children, please consider not allowing their step grandfather to have contact with them. A child abuser doesn't magically stop their abuse. You may like to read some of my blogs to get a better feel for why I'm saying this.
I bet you're already coping with things that your partner does that irritates you. Draw that coping across to the current situation. If you love and care for her, you will support her for as long as you can. Focus your frustration into doing something to help other people. Many partners and Mum's that I've worked with have grieved that there was nothing they could do to change their loved one's situation but have made sure they change things for the next generation. I hear your frustration with the judicial process. It is VERY difficult to bring charges for sexual assaults. It doesn't mean that people disbelieve though.
My thoughts are with you both. Take care.
Megan

[Tee]

Thank you for your response. This is a very difficult thing to talk about. I did talk to my partner and I told her that I do not want to have any contact with her father. Her instant reaction was did he do anything to you. I told her no. She basically grilled me on it. She said she understood and that it's ok with her that I do not want to be around him.
The next time she goes into one of her talks about why her sister is the way she is I will talk to her about getting counseling. I think she will be open to that.

[HappyMomAnna]

This is such a confusing and conflicting issue to overcome. The reason incest happens in the first place is that there is a level of love and trust. It is so difficult for survivors to separate the trust and love they have for the abuser from the harm that person has done... It is a long road and anyone who has suffered this kind of betrayal is entitled to have support and help...

It is also a process and what seems unacceptable one day becomes more acceptable another day. It often takes time to be ready for therapy so don't take an answer one day as an answer cut in stone. Offering to be there if she needs or wants you to be can sometimes help...

[hiddeneye]

believe me, you are not alone. my mother was sexually abused by her father and it kills me inside that she still talks to him. and also like your partner, she wishes to leave the past in the past. honestly i know it is soooo hard but the best thing i have found is to talk to her and tell her how you feel. explain how angry, mad and frustrated you are, but believe me, to refuse to go there with her or refuse to speak of him or too him will only hurt your partner more than you can imagine. i tried it and it nearly ruined my relationship with my mother. i would hate for that to happen to you. as hard as it is, you need to try and understand that she has moved on, and hasnt let it ruin her life. to be able to forgive him was probably the hardest thing shes ever done. she has no doubt suffered emotionally, in a very dramatic way and to be able to over come it, to the extent that she can say she forgives him, is unimaginably powerful of her. and at this time she needs to know that you respect her for it. however hard it will always be. how i came to think of it is, 'i hate you so much for doing what you done, but for the love of my mother (in your case partner) i will do what is asked of me in order to help her overcome it in any way she sees fit.' i really do hope this has helped you in some way. i wish you the best of luck but if you feel like you need to rant, i really do understand and will try my best to help you with this.

[selfhelpqueen]

Wow, where to start this post.... Well, first of all, I am someone who has overcome and is still overcoming this evil and ugly act. Incest is one of the grossest forms of abuse imaginable and so I can understand your disgust w/ your partner's father. Especially if it is never talked about or even acknowledged. Especially when he violated a trust that should never be violated and was never punished for it.

Anyway, you have a few questions which were: How do I cope w/ the fact that my partner still has a relationship w/ this man? Would I be wrong if I tell her I don't want to have anything to do with him? What should I do?

First question - How do you cope w/ it. From what I've read, you are already on the path to coping w/ it. I see that your first step has been to see this for what it is - even though everyone else involved is acting like it is just some casual inconvenience that they eventually got over and can now get on w/ their lives.

My guess is that when her father calls or she asks you to accompany her to his house something along the lines of, "Am I the only one who thinks this is weird?!" is going through your mind. It is perfectly normal for you to feel unsafe around someone like your partner's father. The fact that he's her father doesn't change the fact that he sexually molested her. You should listen to yourself.

Coping w/ this and actually accepting this are two different things. Coping implies that you are in survival mode and accepting something requires you to be proactive and in charge of yourself. You seem to be more the type of person who is trying to accept this and sometimes we need to go through the grieving process in order to do so. I read a book one time that said there were five steps to grieving. 1) denial and isolation, 2) anger, 3) bargaining, 4) depression, and 5) acceptance.

Allow yourself to go through what you naturally need to go through to accept what this man has done to your partner and to accept how your partner is choosing to deal w/ it. Accepting this does not mean that you are okay w/ it. It simply means that you acknowledge it and don't allow it to control you.

Second question: Would you be wrong for telling her you don't want anything to do w/ him? This is a tough one. I don't think there is any one right or wrong way to handle something like this. It is going to be different for everyone. Once again, you need to do what you feel is right for you. I think you do need to be sensitive about the way you come across. Rather than saying, "I will not have anything to do w/ your father," try identifying first why you feel that way. Get to the root of it (as I'm sure you already have) and address those feelings to her. Explain to her that you don't feel safe around him if that is the case. Explain to her that you are uncomfortable. Explain to her how you feel. I do believe that you should not make her choose between you or her father and ultimately family. This, I know, is not your intention, but it sounds that way. If you tell her you won't be around her father, that's the same as saying that it's either you or him. However, if you explain to her how it makes you feel to be around him and how what he's done has affected you and therefore you are not able to be around him at this time, that is very different.

Third question: What should you do? Follow your instincts. Follow your gut. Follow your heart. And most of all - be true to your principles and yourself. She will learn more from you about how to truly deal w/ this is if you are true to yourself and remain objective rather than get emotional about it. You can't predict how these things go. There may be times when you will feel you can be there for her and listen to her and then one day you won't even be able to stomach it. Listen to that. It's okay if you don't want to talk about it. It's okay to protect your own self as you learn to accept this.

Ask lots of questions. You may not agree w/ how she's coping w/ this, but the more you find out about her way of thinking the easier it will be to accept why she's dealing w/ it the way she is. Asking lots of questions and giving her a safe place to answer rather than being judged for how she feels or chooses to deal w/ this also gives her a sounding board that will help her move further along than you would realize. It's amazing how much we learn about ourselves when we're given a chance to listen to what's been going on in our heads. Ask lots of clarifying questions. "So am I understanding you to say that....?" "So what I heard you say was...." Let her know you're there for her - which you already have been doing.

Let her know how it has affected you. I wouldn't do it in a judgmental way, just very matter of factly. "Today I am just sad/angry/mad that you had to go through that as a child. It is hard for me to feel forgiveness towards your father because of this, but I'm trying." "It is hard for me to watch you opening your heart out to a man who took advantage of you and never had to pay for his crimes. I feel sad that he doesn't realize how wonderful of a person you are." "I'm sad that your father chose not to have a healthy relationsip w/ you during a critical time in your life. Every daughter needs that w/ her father." Statements like these are simply your feelings and not judgements. Define (feel) the feeling, express it - if that's what you're needing to do, and then let it go. Write in your journal about it. I find that when I writein my journal I tend to see things from the outside in and can be more objective and effective in my relationship w/ others. I see things for what they are, I see my feelings for what they are. And most of all, I validate myself by giving myself a voice.

These are my suggestions, but my guess is that if you stop and really listen to yourself, you already have the answers and you already know the best way to handle this for yourself whether it be talking to her, her father, or just another person in confidence. Sorry so lengthy, but this is not a light subject to address. Good luck!

[mcmama]

I guess this thread woke up. It is a good discussion.

Whether or not incest occurs, some adult children will choose have a family relationship with an abusive father. Forgiveness is a big part of it.

A spouse or partner has every right to be concerned. This is someone who is abusive, manipulative. Forgiveness works until the daughter has kids and then worries about grandpa spending time with them. "What you don't trust me? You're just never gonna let it go are you?" A spouse or partner loves the daughter, really, and wants to protect her and the family.

It is perfectly appropriate for a spouse or partner to set some standards for keeping an abusive parent at a distance, and out of the mainstream of couple and family life. It isn't so much about how you feel about what the abuser did (although that is important) it is about protecting your own family from further manipulation and abuse.

[selfhelpqueen]

Originally Posted by mcmama

I guess this thread woke up. It is a good discussion.

Whether or not incest occurs, some adult children will choose have a family relationship with an abusive father. Forgiveness is a big part of it.

A spouse or partner has every right to be concerned. This is someone who is abusive, manipulative. Forgiveness works until the daughter has kids and then worries about grandpa spending time with them. "What you don't trust me? You're just never gonna let it go are you?" A spouse or partner loves the daughter, really, and wants to protect her and the family.

It is perfectly appropriate for a spouse or partner to set some standards for keeping an abusive parent at a distance, and out of the mainstream of couple and family life. It isn't so much about how you feel about what the abuser did (although that is important) it is about protecting your own family from further manipulation and abuse.

Amen to this!

I should've looked at the original post date. I just noticed the thread yesterday and started posting. (Duh!) Well, if anything, it was therapy for me.

[Wakeupandmissmynightmares]

This is such a hard time for wife, because i know exaclty where she is coming from. I'm only 18 years old and i went through 4 years of sexual abuse and rape by my uncle. It's hard to turn away from someone that hurt you because they still have a hold on you. It's hard to describe to someone who hasn't been there personally but all you can do is be there for her until she realizes what she is doing is unhealthy. You can't force them to let go or you may push them away and into in the arms of the one person they shouldn't be going to the one who victimized them, i went through that because even though my uncle did all these horrible things to me i coudn't stop from letting him inside my house. It also could possible be the fact that she just wants to be normal again have a normal life being daddy's little girl again. I can't fully say what it is because i'm healing, i only spoke up about this last year and it happened when i was 8, but like i said all you can do is be there for her and let her do this on her own. It's the hardest thing in the world and at times you feel so broken down so she needs you there to help lift her back up again.