[Rebecca83]

I will try to make this as short as possible but I need some serious advice! Ok. Here is what happened. I cheated on my husband. Now, bare in mind that he is in the military and we have been married 5 years in this time he has been gone 3. This is the first time I have ever done something like this and it wasn't an ongoing affair. It was a one time thing. Ok... I told my husband but I wasn't going to but we wound up with an STD. Now, the day his test results came back positive for something was the day I told him. This happened 2 months ago. He is now back in Afgh. Well 2 days ago I found out that the night I told him he went and slept with someone else. I heard that he did and confronted him a month ago the first time I heard it and of course he denied it. Well, this week someone else told me he did so I simply asked him when he was going to start being honest with me and tell me. So after hours of that he finally told me. So less that 4 hours after he left me he slept with someone else.
He has been harping at me about how horrible I am for doing what I did for 2 months but yet he goes and does the same thing? I don't understand. And, he kept saying we are getting a divorce and then the next day he would want to work things out. So, I really am so confused... I told him today that I was going to go to a counselor next week and even though he isn't here I thought it would be a good idea. And he keeps thinking that it is all up to him whether we stay together or not but now with this new information I don't know what to do. I know I still love him that was never a question but we don't trust each other and I don't know how to change that. Oh... I should also add that he still talks to the girl he slept with almost everyday and swears they are nothing but friends. I haven't talked to the guy I cheated with since it happened.
So I guess the main thing is, Is this marriage worth saving? PLEASE HELP!
Oh and I should also let you know that the guy I slept with came up clean with no stds... so I don't know what to think about this either.

[JeanLynn81]

Hmmm, this is a tough situation that I'm afraid I don't have much advice for. How did you find out the guy you slept with came up clean? Do you know this for sure? Some people can be quite ashamed to admit when they do have something...

Also, some std's are more easily detected in women than in men. Not saying to tell me what they are, because my business that is not! But read up on the std and find out if maybe there's a chance it didn't show up when he was tested, even though he had it when you slept together. If that's not the case, and you know he's the only one you slept with, then its quite obvious that your husband brought the std in.

I really don't think anyone else can begin to tell you if its worth saving or not. That is totally up to you. To make it work, both of you have to be fully committed, and if you aren't its not going to be saved. But I have to give you some applause for going to counseling on your own. It will make a world of difference! Good luck and

[slygirrl]

I'm with Jean see if the STD is harder to detect in men..... but having been through this myself recently (only my husband cheated on me, I did NOT do it back just to get back at him) I can say this BOTH of you need to do counseling or it will never work. You guys both breached eachother's trust and you are both equally wrong. Now if he is the one who brought the STD in to begin with then that kind of changes the game a bit, but not too much because you admitted to it too. All I can offer is go to counseling as a couple. You absolutely cannot work through this on your own (we can't and he is the only one who did it and no STD came of ours). Is it worth saving? Well if he's the one who brought the STD in then that's up to you. No one can tell you which path you should take. It's your life and you would have to live with the choice that you make. No one else. Infedility is a hard thing to get past but people do get past it. You are going to have to learn to forgive eachother, and sometimes it's easier said than done. I do wish you luck, let us know how it comes out.

[songbirdxx]

I am just dipping in as I do not have the time today. If you both genuinely love each other and do want to be together in an honest relationship and you both have a genuine desire to be faithful to each other, then there may be something worth saving, as at the moment things between you are a mess!Firstly my thoughts about the affairs are simple.I see them as a result of lonliness in you both and a need for sex,full stop. I do not like the fact your DH still communicates with his fling! If you can work on talking about the lonliness and need for sex and also stop any communication between yourselves and any flings you have had,friends or not,then I see a chance that you may move forward. There is no chance for you together without talking seriously about all this and trying to work it out. These are my views, I hope I have been of some help.Let us know how you get on!

[Rebecca83]

This is the problem with the whole situation, he won't be home for another 5 months. He said he isn't going to stop talking to her that they are friends and what did she do wrong. And the guy I slept with, well I called him as soon as I got my results and about a week and a half later he called back to tell me his results were negative and that he would even send me the papers to show me if I wanted. Now for him to do that I believed him. After that I haven't talked to the guy.
Now my husband is all back and forth and I understand he is confused and so am I but he calls and if I tell him to hold on for a sec or something he will make a remark like "oh, you have to tell your man to be quiet huh?" or something to that nature. He tells me all the time to go out on a date or to move on because he doesn't know if he can be with me. Then the other day he said that there is no guarentee that if we stay together now that he won't cheat on me. But then he will call and tell me how much he loves me and misses me. So, I don't know what to think. I am so lost!

[Rebecca83]

Oh, and he says that him sleeping with her doesn't count because we were separated at the time... ok, we had only been apart for 4 hours before he slept with her. He tells me I have nothing to be mad about. I hate this whole situation!!

[songbirdxx]

Rule number one! Never accept a partner being friends with a person if it makes you unhappy and you have genuine reasons, such as the friend being an ex, or worse still someone your partner has cheated on you with unless there are children concerned through divorce etc. It never works and is also extremely disrespectful to the present partner.I don't care what day and age we live in.It is just wrong, especially if the partner is unhappy about it!! End of story as far as I am concerned, if both parties cannot agree on this I am afraid! Do not compromise!

[JeanLynn81]

Originally Posted by Rebecca83

Then the other day he said that there is no guarentee that if we stay together now that he won't cheat on me.

Woah! Can we say "deal-breaker"?! You absolutely cannot ever put any trust in him, if he says this. Not only does it make him seem untrustworthy, but it is a very disrepectful and just plain out nasty thing to say to you. IMO those are highly abusive words that he has been slinging your way. Him saying "Oh we were seperated at the time so its ok." NO NO NO NO NO. He is equally as wrong as you are, and until he 100% admits that, you two have zero chance of moving forward. Sorry. to you. I can see you really want this to work. Unfortunately when the other person doesn't...its not repairable.

[Rebecca83]

Just thought I would give you guys an update. Well I went out this past weekend, on my first date since the husband and I separated. I decided that I wouldn't answer the phone when he called and just have a day for me and my new friend. Well my husband kept calling all day, leaving hateful voicemails saying "I guess you are out with another man" and "be sure to use protection" and the final one said he wasn't going to give me anymore money, because I don't have a job right now. My friend was like he is just trying to find ways to control you and to not let what he says get to me because they are just words. That single statement made me think wow how he is right, they are just words!
It is funny because in the beginning of the day my husbands voicemails were nice telling me he loved me and was hoping we could talk about things, but the more frustrated he got the more hateful he got.
I have my first appointment with the marriage counselor on Thursday. I hope that he can help some and maybe give me more advice on what to do, because I still have no clue.

[Alejandros Mommy]

I think you need to go to counciling.....since both of you cheated in the marriage both of you need to seek councling in order to fix it. (although it's hard with him being away) By the sounds of it though your Dh does not want to fix it....you need both 'partners' to fix a relationship, and since your also going out on dates you seem like you want to move on as well.

I hope that you are able to fix your marriage BUT if you are not able to I wish you luck.