[lizziegirl05]

okay, i need some advice. my fiancee and i are not parents yet, but we have talked about getting started on that within the next 2 years or so. now, we come from very different backrounds on everything from abortion to the death penality. but we have always been able to come to a medium on everything and agreed on how we would teach our children about these things. however, ive recently noticed there is one area we have not comprimised on when it comes to kids: religion. she was raised jewish and is now pagan, and i was raised christian and now consider myself more agnostic even though my core beliefs are still christian. i want very much for my kids to have santa claus and the easter bunny in their childhoods, and she doesnt. how do we comprimise on this? as a couple, we have never had an issue with our different religions, but im afraid it can cause some serious issues with parenting. she wants them raised in a neutral home, not specicfically celebrating and particular religious holiday, while i think we should celebrate all of the holidays of our different religions to teach them about their family differences.

any words of wisdom out there?

[mcmama]

I think you are going to need to agree to evolve beliefs together. I have seen with pagan families an ability to incorporate their religious culture of origin with their new beliefs, which are always developing.

It doesn't mean you have to agree, but that you have to share. Possibly because she has not been raised with Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny, she may not understand how much joy you have with this, or she may have had negative experiences with it.

I know a wiccan couple who have the biggest Christmas tree on the block and Santa Claus knows where they live. (in the house where the tree is decorated with fairy ornaments, of course.) They have Christian relatives, and find common ground. The secular celebrations of Christmas are helpful for families who need to find common ground during holidays. They celebrate Easter as a pagan holiday about fertility and renewal, and so there are lots of Easter eggs and bunnies.

I gave them Dove Fairy Bunnies this year. Even though to me, fairies and bunnies have nothing to do with Easter.

It's not possible to be neutral and do nothing - because that in itself is a position. Sharing is a lot more fun. And sharing really means your children will be able to make an informed choice about their own beliefs. I used to have children from interfaith homes in my child care. No one actually does "nothing" even though they think they do. But when all the holidays are celebrated as part of who the family is, the kids have a good sense of their heritage, and who they are. And they have a lot of fun. Don't underestimate the importance of fun on a holiday.

What you need to do for your family is find the comfort level for sharing joy and connectedness as you build your own family. Find some common points about all your celebrations. And don't think you will figure this all out now. A successful marriage grows with time - the communication and the direction is the important thing when resolving differences like this.

[hennypenny]

I think it is great that you are trying to sort this out before having kids together, so many ppl have kids first and think these issues will sort themselves out - they don't, until you deal with them. So it's great you're both communicating this. I'm not sure what the answer is, but there would have to be some form of compromise. Things such as abortion or the death penalty aren't a hassle, as they aren't something you teach your child, that's something they will form their own opinion on. But certainly, with things such as santa etc, both parents need to agree on their approach