[helpwanted]

Hi,
This is all new to me so here goes. Last summer I met the most wonderful man in his late 40's. He has two children. I am in my late 30's with two children as well. We are talking about marriage, but I have one huge issue. His 18 year old son. Here is the condensed version.
The son (turned 18 in March)dropped out of school in January during his grade 12 year and told his dad he was going to do home schooling. Dad left it up to him and did not monitor it. The son conned dad into buying him a laptop computer to do his school work with the expectation he would pay for the computer on monthly payments. I might mention that there are 3 desktop computers in the house the kid could use. The son did not do one ounce of school work. He had had 4 jobs since last summer, quiting each one after about 1 - 2 months of working because he did not like the job. The dad has also loaned him 1500.00 to buy a car that doesn't run. The kid has not been making payments. He recently quite his most recent job and now dad is saying he is going to start charging him rent. I say Yeah! Make him responsible. Then dad tells me he is charging him 100.00 per month. At this point I am besides myself. The kid has 0 responsibility and the dad is not making him accountable.
Being the step parent to be, if I do marry him, it will be my problem too. I am a more structured parent and give clear consequences to my teens. I worry about how his lack of structure will affect my teens and our relationship also. I do understand that kids will be kids but when and how do we make them accountable.
His kids are wonderful, loving kids but this one has taken the wrong path down drug lane. I am not sure how to deal with this. Any suggestions.

[Alejandros Mommy]

Can you have a long engagement? I understand your need to be with someone but let your fiance deal with this "problem" you can discuss it with him but utimatly it is up to him to choose what to do. Perhaps if you have a long engagment this son will hopefully move out of the house by the time you are married. I would also have a long talk with your fiance and come to a decsion on what to do if any of your children wants or needs to come live with you.

Good luck and don't rush into anything.

[QueenAngie]

Welcome to the board!

Have to agree with a long engagement and premarital counseling to work out some very big issues w/ the kids.

Wishing you all the best!

[helpwanted]

I agree but it goes deeper than that.
Ok here goes. My partner and I live 1000 miles apart due to his job. We both want to be together and it would have to be me that moves because of demographics. As earlier stated I have concerns with his son. Since my last posting I have spoken to him clearly about my concerns and he addressed them. The boy is now paying rent and doing chores around the house. Yeah.
Here is the kicker. My oldest is an almost 16 year old girl. She is very defiant and always has been. She just failed grade 10 because she has no interest in school. She has lost all of her privilages and still it does not matter. I have taken away her cell phone and computer. The few friends she has are not the most positive people. When speaking to her about moving she is very against it because she loves her friends. Which I can understand. As a single mom I struggle with two jobs and my kids basically raise themselves. I have no family supports here but I do where my partner is. I am struggling weather to take her and give her a positive environment or to stay and hope things get better. We have moved alot and she has had to make new friends a few times. I am afraid to do anymore damage to her.
P.s. We have had a rough life and moved alot and I am very confused as what to do. After explaining this, the issue with the 18 year old seems minut.

[Samual]

I would say, it's the fathers fault he lets his son do what he wants, so he is going to do what ever he wants if he gets away with it. You can't expect someone to suddenly act like an adult when they turn 18 if they have been babied there whole life.

[ajmsw]

Hello,
I read your current delimma with your step-son who is 18 and irresponsible. As a clinical social worker/therapist and adoptive mother of two special needs young adult males, one who is 18, soon be 19 and another who is 20, the hardest thing my husband and I had to do was to do "tough love," parenting, which included having them move out of our home, otherwise, my husband and I could of ended up divorced. I had to find them the resources and mental health resources for them, fighting for them to obtain in California special education services, attending non-public school, residential treatment, and after care transitional age youth housing resources. So through my personal and professional experiences what advice I have for you is this: since your step son has/had substance abuse problems, it will be imperative that he continue substance abuse treatment. How do you both know he's not continuing to use substances that also contribute to his inability to finish high school or hold down a job? Your fiancee is naive and may be continuing to enable his son and parent him as a way for him to compensate for the problems he and your step-son has had with his biological mother. Your step-son may also have mental health problems or an undiagnosed learning disability. Has he and his father ever participated in family therapy? My suggestions is that your stepson needs to be evaluated by his medical doctor to rule out any organic problems, then he needs to see a substance abuse therapist to evaluate him for subsance abuse or dependency, and determine what after care plans is he needs/ following? I would also also suggest he have a vocational evaluation to determine what strengths, weaknesses, he has to help determine what occupation, job he could be successful in. Also, that you and your fiancee need couples counseling, and your blended families will need family therapy before you ever tie the knot. In my professional experience teenagers can and will sabatage relationships, and will try to split parents. Give your step-son a break, he may be 18 chronologically, but emotionally he may still be functioning as a 13-15 year old. There are hereditary problems that are passed on from one generation to another, and all these things need to be explored before kicking out a 18 year old onto the streets. The reality is even after a child turns 18 they continue to need the emotional, financial, support and guidance from their adult caregivers.Teenagers do need structure, consistent parenting, and good role modeling. It sounds to me that your fiancee should consider parenting classes for teenagers, but you should also attend for emotional support. If you two are truly going to make your blended families come together, then you need to address each child's individual needs in a family, and the parenting that you both will emulate. Best of luck in helping your step son find some resources. Again, through either non-profit agencies or insurance your blended family could utilize a clinical socail worker to assist in obtaining resources. Your step-son is 18 so then he would need to sign releases of information so that you and his father are involved in his treatment, and have a say in what he does or does'nt do as a condition for him to live under his father's roof. That should be a stipulation by his father if he wants to continue living in his home. Father needs to learn tough love parenting. Best of luck to you both! AJMSW

[ajmsw]

Hello Helpwanted,
After reading your current problems with your own 16 year old daughter I empathize with your current situation, but I have to suggest to you and your teen children to obtain some family therapy, but especially for your 16 year old daughter. Being a single mother, holding down two jobs is really tough, and I commend your work ethics, but having worked with families with mother's who are the main bread winner for the family, this creates diferent set of problems for their latch key kids to have to face. I often have told my parents I work with how involved are they in their children's education? Showing interest in your child's education is imperative for children to follow their parent's example. Parents demonstrate this by attending school functions, whether it's an Open House or Parent Teacher Conferences. It is easier to say to your child, do your school work, get good grades, but have you ever sat down with your daughter and asked her about what she does and doesn't like about school? Do you regularily help her with her homework, school projects, etc..? Have you ever had her evaluated for possible learning disabilities, or requested an evaluation by the school to determine what grade level she is currently functioning at? Children need to have a sense of security and sense of belonging in their neighborhoods and the schools they attend. Since your family has had to move around alot due to part, I am guessing, to your economic hardships, this will and has effected your children. All the children in a household get effected and act out in diferent ways. I am wondering about your support systems? Do you have any positive adult role models and or mentors you can connect your teen children with? Do you belong to a church? Can you find assistance through these resource? If not, again ,I believe it will be imperative that you sit down and have a heart to heart talk with your daughter. If there's no current communication, then get a clinical social worker to do family therapy who can assist you and your daughter to figure out what to do next, and help find resources for you and your teen children. If your family does not have insurance, than ask for help through your daughter's academic counselor or school psychologist, get her some school based mental health counseling or to get a referral to a non profit organization that can do free counseling or based on your ability to pay. Get involved with a Parent Annoymous Organization or Teen parenting support group. It really never is a good idea for a couple to come together and blend their families unless you have at least one stable family, like I mentioned in my previous posting, eventually you and your fiancee and children will need family therapy to come together. For now, focus on your own children. They should always come first, otherwise, things will just continue to escalate with your daughter. You mentioned your concerned with your daughter's happiness. Being a parent who is to strict and rigid, can just be as damaging as a parent that is to lenient and enabling. Maybe this is one of the attractions you see in your fiancee. As adults we often find mates that are opposite to ourselves, or very similiar to our own family of origin. Teenagers have alot of difficulty growing up now a days, much more than when we were teens. They have daily peer pressure, drugs, gangs, guns and violence in the schools. As parents we can become over protective, over bearing, and have much dificulty understanding where are children are coming from. If possible go to the library and check out some books on child development so that you can become familiar with the teen brain and their development. The more parents educate themselves and show an interest in self help, the more teens will be more willing to meet us half way. As a teen the most important people in their lives are their friends, next to their family, this is normal, age appropriate behavior, but then again our children tend to be attracted to other teens with similiar if not worse problems than themselves. It is imperative that parents need to know who their children's friends are, their names, addresses, phone numbers, and meet their parents. Get to know your children's friends. I know you are overwhelmed with your daughter's teenage rebellious attitude, but remember do not make any life altering decesions before seeking some professional help. Don't be afraid to ask for help. Remember you lead by example. Best of luck to you and your children. AJMSW