[FrustratedHusband]

I've been married for 15 years and god is it hard work. All couples eventually hit a point where really challenging issues surface, like loss of physical attraction, feelings of being taken for granted, sexual problems, personality changes, money issues, kids causing problems, etc. To get through it all takes an exhausting level of work. You have to create magic where there isn't any, endlessly communicate, sacrifice, suck it up and endure more than you ever thought possible. It's a very stressful, day-to-day struggle or is it just my marriage?

Are you in or have real, inside knowledge of a 10+ year long marriage that just flows? I know nothing is perfect but where each partner is "in love," happy and they aren't constantly "working" on things. Where nobody is faking it or using daily brainwashing techniques from some "10 Ways to Have an Awesome Marriage" book. Or, they aren't one of those couples that puts on a happy face in front of others, so nobody knows the truth.

Oh how I miss the days of dating. It was all about fun, spontaneity, wild sex and the excitement of getting to know someone. The contrast between my pre-marriage and married life is shocking. It's like I went from the world's most exciting roller coaster ride to climbing Mount Everest. It's amazing how when you first get married, it seems like the perfect thing to do at the time. You don't fully grasp the whole "until death do us part" or "through good times and bad" until year 10 or so.

I know the usual advice is, "Well, you have to put the spark back into your marriage." I know, trust me. I know. My wife and I WORK on that eeeeeeevery day. We know the drill and we're still together because of all our hard work. My complaint is how all that hard work sucks! I feel like I've had the life sucked out of me. I walk around like a zombie, staring off, thinking back to all the fun I used to have. Then, I quickly smack myself because those thoughts violate my "how to have a good marriage" codes of conduct. Uh oh, here she comes, back to work...

[moodyblues]

Good God! Those are my exact sentiments!! I joined this forum just now and I find someone voicing exactly what I was about to say!! I look forward to what others have to say to the two of us!!

[Magic_Mikki]

Aw! You make me scared for what lies ahead in my own marriage! I hope someone else has some advice for you that's been married longer. I've only been married for two years.

[QueenAngie]

Welcome to the board!

Life has many challenges. Ups and downs.

Relationships have ups and downs.


Marriage has its ups and downs.
The honeymoon ends and real life begins.

Look at Elizabeth Taylor, married how many times.....
I believe she can't continue any marriage past that honeymoon stage.

The longer you stay married, the more your love deepens.
It changes.
It grows.

* * *

Marriage is something you have to work at every day.
Give 110%.
Both parties need to work actively at marriage.

Being married is wonderful!

[FrustratedHusband]

moodyblues, welcome aboard the pain train! Let's hope someone can help us.

Magic_Mikki. I remember year two. Our kids were young, like yours. We spent endless days at the park, watching them play. They were so easy to please. My wife and I had zero issues. Life was pretty sweet.

Fast forward to today...

My daughter is now 16, pretty much just uses us for money and has more of an attitude than Paris Hilton. If I died tomorrow, her main concern would be how she'll wear her hair to the funeral! She'd text her friends the whole time anyway... something like, "OMG this priest is sooo stupid!"

My son is 13. He's so disrespectful and rude. We try taking things away, grounding him, and nothing works. He's been a handful since he was around 9. My wife and I both have really calm, laid back personalities but for some reason, he's always high strung and grumpy. His non-stop sarcasm is unbearable.

Our kids have added a lot of stress to our marriage. It's sad too because we bent over backwards being good parents (lots of love, encouragement, etc.) and now it all seems to be for nothing. I know, in 20 years they'll thank us. Well, what good does that do us now and I want my 20's and 30's back!

QueenAngie. I also read some of your other posts. Wow, you're brimming with positivity and joy. I'm not sure what to make of it. Whatever you're on, hook me up.

[mollymae]

hehe I'll think Angie's just high on life!

If you didn't have the kids do you see yourself remaining with your wife?

[Chipwag64]

Dear Frustrated,
Life is all about purpose. When you were dating, you dated for a purpose, you mentioned fun, spontaniety, wild sex and getting to know someone.
That was then!! There was no committment forever to the other person or people, you obviously had the option to bolt after you obtained the purpose for which you set out to obtain.Correct??
Now, what is marriage? What is the purpose? What is the purpose of having children and raising them? What is the purpose of working?...your probably wondering what the purpose of all the questions is....
When you have a purpose, or, lets say, a goal in mind, you will see it through to the end until another purpose or goal replaces the original.
The purposes we have are fueled by our values, as soon as the cost to obtain something outweighs the value of the object, we either drop our purpose or find another way to obtain it.
If you purpose to love your wife "till death do us part" then you will, at any cost!!
If you purpose to raise your children until they are 18, then you will at any cost!!
Of course there are factors beyond our control, but that doesn't effect purpose, only the outcome.
As humans we show how valuable someone or something is by our efforts toward the object, i.e. not many people would jump into a scummy pond during a thunderstorm to pick out a nickel, but if there was a thick wad of 20 dollar bills in there, well...you get the drift.
Even problems we encounter have a purpose, to show us that things are not the way they should be and that we need to work to make things better.
So, if things aren't working, you can show how valuable your wife and children are by sticking with it and finding ways that WILL work.
Hope that this helps!!

[LeanyBean]

Kudos to Angie.

I must agree with here 100%. And yes I have been married 10+ years. Been with the man 1/2 my life.

[2girls]

We'll be married for 10 years tomorrow, and I cannot say that we have to work had at it. We are best of friends.
I am with Queen Angie...being married is great!

[moodyblues]

a little more about me. Am 53 and my husband is 56. We were friends, dated for two years, fell in sweet beautiful romantic love and then we got married. and it's been 28 years. we are both very successful people. in our own ways. we have ALWAYS had respect for each other, (e.g. we have never ever called each other names, even a simple thing like 'stupid'.) We have three wonderful, bright ivy league college educated children.
We have had our share of problems but nothing major, or so I thought until recently. It seems like the way our personalities have grown over the years, we can't talk to each other anymore!!! whatever I say, seems like he reacts. whatever he says, really annoys me! so it has resulted in us not saying very much to each other. suddenly all the magic and spark is gone. for a while I thought maybe it's my menopause?? or is it taking each other for granted? I have to tread very thin ice, can't say anything that may in the slightest bit anger or annoy him. We have a very very busy social life. we continue to go out and socialize and people think we are the best couple in town. and we were!! but now I am so at a loss! i can't share this with anyone! like 'frustrated husband' i have been reading all the books and ezines to put the marriage back in order but it seems like such a waste! it seems to be so much work! we are both trying to remember all the good things we did for each other but it evaporates when we meet at the end of the day at home. I feel very sad and frustrated and depressed all the time!