Is my adult sister mentally ill?
My sister has always been tough to deal with and demanding but it seems like things have progressed. I have suspected that she may be bipolar, narcissistic and/or delusional. My sister is 41 years old, single and never married. Since her college years, she has had just one relationship with a man longer than a couple months. He was much younger and she financed the relationship. I am a couple years younger, married with no children as yet. Let me try to describe a few areas of her personality. Our father passed away ten years ago. Both my sister and Mother live in the same city 350 miles away from where I live.
I. Control
One thing that seems to long been an issue for my sister is control. She wants to decide the times of family get-togethers, where we go, what we do, etc. If these things are decided by others I believe she feels a loss in the sense of defeat, like she is being controlled by someone else. Later in an argument, she may say that she decides nothing (see Delusional below) and that others are controlling everything. In response to this we have just yielded and let her decide most everything for things that are inconsequential.
II. Delusional
My sister often makes statements like, "I'm a good person", "I am a loving person", etc. She believes them 100% but doesn’t seem to be objective about herself. These statements almost imply superiority, like others are not. Yet when I come to visit she seems so needy. I came to town for six days for example. I spent more than three hours with her on four of those days and saw her briefly on one other. Yet she will state that I haven't spent any time with her. There is always an upset with her. Frankly under this pressure, I sometimes get confrontational. The thing is that even if I explain to her that I have spent a lot of time with her, she won’t acknowledge or agree.
Her relationships with men are usually short. She describes these men as boyfriends but they rarely last long and we rarely meet them. I suspect this is mostly sex and dating. These men soon become the center of her emotional universe. They inevitably reject her. She describes them as wonderful, perfect. Then they become terrible people who have wronged her. I suspect that it gets so emotional with them that they run away. She gives them ultimatums. They are either going to feed her emotional needs or they are gone. Generally, they are unresponsive and start backing away. She then "cuts them off" as a means of control. She met one young man in his 20s (she's 41) whom she slept with right away. They met a couple times but weren't exclusive of course. He was moving to Texas and told her he didn't want a relationship. She asked my Mother if she would consider moving to Texas if my sister did.
III. Jealousy
My sister is jealous of my relationship with my Mother. My Mother and I are very different than my sister. We can talk to each other easily and rarely get upset with each other. My sister sees it as my Mother favors me. The reality is we are on pins and needles around her for fear of setting her off. Neither of us can have the same kind of relationship with my sister because she can't be talked to freely. She also is often not interested in what the other person has to say. She wants to talk about what she wants to talk about and is often looking into space when others are talking about other topics.
IV. Self-observation
My sister does not apologize and is not objective about herself. She doesn’t apologize or show regret after the fact. If I have said something that has hurt her feelings and I feel like I probably shouldn't have said it, I will apologize and tell her that I shouldn't have said it. Almost every time I visit, there is some sort of upset because I'm not showing her enough attention, etc. but she never seems to have regret or acknowledge that maybe there is a better way to deal with things.
V. Crying
In virtually every emotional conversation, she crys. Not a couple of tears in restraint but balling like a baby. There is at least one crying episode every time I visit.
VI. Victim
It seems like her approach is that she is always a victim. People are doing things to her. This seems to be part and parcel with the crying. Generally, she gets upset, she is not getting enough attention, we don't care about her, she is a loving person, she does everything for everyone else and we are bad people or inadequate.
VII. Ultimatums
My sister gradually demands that people act in a certain way. Show her enough attention essentially. Gradually, she demands more and more. People tend to back off in this case. She then demands more, gets upset and cries, tells people how loving she is and then how bad they are. She will often give them ultimatums. Either they have to apologize or make amends or she will cut them out of her life. If they don't yield, she cuts them out. She has consistently done this with friends her entire life. Friends who were once her best friends in the world and whom she loved so much, become bad people whom she no longer speaks to. She seems to almost demand an apology for their lack of attention to her and if they don't comply, they are gone. She is quite social and is always making new friends but she has few long-term friends as she goes through this ultimatum cycle, cutting them out of her life. I believe this is related to control. If she can't be in control she doesn't want them in her life.
VIII. Manic depressive
My sister consistently has a new project. She is going to set up an internet business and make a lot of money. She’s going to make so much money she won’t need to work anymore. She sets it up. It doesn't work. We never hear about it again. She is going be a band manager. This is the right career for her. She loves music, the industry, etc. She attempts to manage one band. Gets into inevitable personality conflicts, gives ultimatum, they don't yield. She cuts them off. We never hear about band management again. She decides she is going to be a hat maker. She loves creative things. This is her calling. She is going to sell hats in Neiman Marcus. She hires a teacher, gets the equipment, and makes a hat. Project finished, never to be heard of again. With each one of these, she is going to achieve the pinnacle in the areas. She almost seems detached from reality. I never criticize or doubt her. I believe people can achieve whatever they put their mind to but this seems a bit delusional. She gets manic, super optimistic about careers, boyfriends. She then gets down and depressed and emotional. She has had a weight issue which has fueled the boyfriend problems.
IX. Problem solver
Despite all the issues with my sister, she loves to give advice. She loves to find anyone who needs advice and give it to them, tell them how to live their life, etc. I believe this is when she feels best, when she is giving people advice. She is resentful when people don’t take it and can be quite pushy. It appears this advice-giving is really all about her not the receiver of the advice.
*****
I can see what I believe is narcissism in her that she can only see things from her point of view. Everything is about her. If she is not getting enough attention, there will be a significant emotional response. She certainly almost never expresses that she can see issues from the other’s point of view. They are bad and she is good. She is the victim. She is very optimistic, everything is great. She is going to achieve lots of wonderful things. Then she is depressed. This seems to be bipolar. I don’t know how to describe the demanding of attention, not getting it, ultimatum and cut-off cycle. She seems to go through this with family, friends and boyfriends. The control issues. The delusion. When our father was dying in the hospital, despite living in the same city, she saw him just once during the last week of his life. I have never mentioned this but if I did, I’m sure she would deny it and state she saw him quite often. During this period rather than being concerned about our father, she was obsessively talking about a man who was rejecting her. I thought it was just her way of coping. But now she talks romantically about how much she cared about our father when she didn’t really show him much attention while he was alive. She tells me how she takes care of my Mother. My mother tells me that despite living in the same neighborhood, there are months at a time where our mother hears nothing from my sister. She gets worried of course.
I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t know how to deal with her. Talking to her has seemed pointless. Any criticism is met with defense at all cost. Any request for her to act differently is denied. I’ve tried to act differently but unless she is the center of my attention all the time, she’s going to end up upset at me and I am a bad person. I’m not a good, loving person like she is. Everyone else has the problems not her. When I visit my mother and sister, it is like there is a weight hanging there the entire time.
I want to be able to deal with her better, for her, for our Mother and for myself.
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