[ajnay]

Ok I don’t know what to say do or think anymore. I’m not sure I believe it myself or want to. I don’t know who I can talk to. I don’t know who I can go to. My life marriage and family life is so messed up. I don’t even know where to start. If I tell the story it may be coming from one perspective and possible bias from my eyes. Am I not listening to others like I have been trying? I don’t know maybe. But I have been trying so hard to listen. But what does that do for some one? Put your own beliefs aside, your own wants and needs, your own self in an entirety?
Ok I admit I didn’t have a good start at life. But I know at one point I had a vision of how I wanted to carry on the rest of my life. I don’t have a religion for my views that I will keep private at this point. But I do believe in god. My problems as a person that I can see in a self judging way is that I need to build up confidence in myself and intellect, I need to learn to confront people and deal with people. And I need to learn how to let go.
I love my wife and kids; I don’t want to loose them. But I do know that this isn’t the life that I wanted. I live in a low income house trying to move forward. But sometimes it doesn’t seem like my wife wants to move on. I’m in an apprenticeship for electrician, it’s a good trade and pays well, as well I do very well at it. But whenever it comes to investing the money into it for school my wife complains about the finances then complains later that I’m not yet in or done the schooling for my trade and calls me lazy.
We have 3 kids, they are 13 12 and 5. One is my step son the other is my daughter from a previous relationship and the third is our son. They are having troubles like most youth have and on top of that their own circumstances. I’m trying to help them the best I know, and I realize that may not be enough do to the fact that I am myself very lost in life. There is usually a lot of yelling going on in my house and a lot of stress. Yes my wife and I yell. The kids have told me that we yell too much and its depressing them. “Ok yes you are right and I will try to change that.” They have spoken to my wife as well but my wife in saying she will try to change, hasn’t. I have been trying very hard to change the situation, my daughter even said to me in a conversation last night that she has noticed I yell a whole lot less then I used to. “Oh good but I still have my occasional hiccup where the kids or my wife push the buttons and it just comes out. Still need to work on it!” My wife doesn’t listen to what I say and turns everything around on me, says I’m blaming everything on her, even when I say “WE”.
Ok at this point I still love my wife but I do feel that I want to leave her. I’m afraid of being alone and of possibly loosing my one son with her. I’ve done this before with my daughter and lost 4 years of her life. I now have her full time so that’s ok. But I don’t know if I can do it again.
I feel alienated by my wife in our marriage. For example: our last anniversary I got her flowers a gift and took her out to dinner. She got me nothing and didn’t even get into conversation at dinner, well short comments and answers, complaints about the services and the food. For her birthday I always bring her home flowers and gifts and take the kids out to get her gifts, she doesn’t. She argues everything I say even if its just a joke. Our sex life is in ruins, well ok we have had more sex this month then in the past 6 months, and that’s only 3 times. Don’t get me wrong I know marriage isn’t about sex but it is a way of showing passion and feelings.
Recently my wife has gotten a job; I say great that helps out so much financially. Well she didn’t do anything around the house before this when she was a stay at home mom, but when I would get home she would start to clean and all this just to make me feel guilty for relaxing after work and complain the whole time that I do nothing, once again calling me lazy. I have offered her the opportunity to go to work and I would stay at home with the little one, that was quickly shot down. Now that she is working I have picked up the slack in the house but she still does nothing. But says I do nothing.
So in the mean time I have let myself sink into a online game recently bored of it because it’s just not enough. I must say the best part of it is the social community of this group I’m in. I do pull myself away to pay attention to her when she talks sometimes, and every time when my kids want to talk. I guess I could do more around the house. But I find it hard because I keep thinking it will just be me doing things and my wife taking advantage of it.
Then there is my step son. Well what to say about that. To start his only dad is me. My wife doesn’t know who his father is and feels guilty for that. And in doing so is raising him wrong. He gets into trouble constantly and takes it out on the family. He is greatly misguided and lacking in discipline. I have tried in the past to give him some discipline but my wife has taken that away by letting him off grounding within 10 minutes, all because she feels guilty. She has admitted that to me. My mother in-law has told him that he doesn’t have to call me dad or listen to me and that I get angry with everything. Well I do get angry I admit but not with everything. But now I have that sign over my head anytime he talks to me and can’t even get a decent conversation out of him.
I try to talk to my family about this stuff but the problem is they only get upset about the situation and that is understandable, but only complains and anger follow and nothing constructive.
When I try talking to my wife about situations she become unapproachable and angry, she yells doesn’t listen to anything and turns it all around. How do you deal with someone like that? I’m not afraid of her, but I need for my kids sake to get her to start listening, because they are the ones suffering the most. Yes leaving her would be the easiest thing to do, but I would solve nothing and my kids would only suffer more.
I’m sorry I have been rambling on here.
I don’t know what to do anymore or who to go to. I feel alone in this and helpless. I’m lost cause I have lost the direction in life I wanted to go. **** I haven’t done anything I wanted to do in travelling even locally. I don’t know how to help my kids with myself or their mother.All this has been going on for 7 years now. I’m tired.
Is there anyone out there that has this similar situation or do I just have no luck in life?

[grt8day]

It sounds like you are on the right track with your career. The apprentice path sounds great, I'm sure takes dedication, committment, and perserverance. That is a great decision. You are in a tough position right now, financially. But, it won't be long before you will see your hardwork pay-off in that area.
Your older kids sound as though they can be participating in chores? Are they? This maybe too far fetched but could you possibly create a chore chart? The chores are connected to their social-life or extra curricular activities. As long as they complete what they are supposed to then they get those extra fun things they enjoy doing.
Long ago I used to be a yeller. It is very difficult on the kids to watch mom & dad argue, I know I was on the receiving end when I was young. You can make up your mind to not yell and work on keeping your voice down. It will be very difficult for your wife to see you in control like that. The one that does not yell will be in control.
Hubby and I do not spend money on date nights all the time, what we do is sit outside and have some adult time together. Could you possibly begin something like this? Is there an area where you both could begin spending time talking calmly, maybe even with a glass of wine (if you drink), and try to relax and start opening up to each other?
The talking needs to start between you two.
There needs to be a family meeting, perhaps to begin focusing on the family as a team.
Everyone needs to pull together and contribute.
Of course things need to get done around the house, but it also needs to be weighed in with your down time from work. Everyone needs time to unwind.
Is your wife just generally negative? To be wined & dined and then just negate it all is a bit interesting. Most women would be very happy their hubby remembered their anniversary, or birthday.
Maybe you need to sit down and ask her if she is willing to put in the effort and time to create a better marriage & family. There is not much you can do if she has already "checked out" of the marriage. I guess that may be the best starting point for you.
I give you lots of credit for trying to make your marriage work.
It does take a lot of work, and it is much easier to walk away.
You sound like a great guy who is just overwhelmed and stressed out. Things are going to get better. Let us know how your doing. Wishing you & your family all the best.

[ajnay]

Thank you.
Yes one of my older kids is doing chores, the other well he's out of my hands unfortunatly. If all can go well then maybe he will come around. We used to do a date night, long long long time ago. I dont know what ever happened to that. But I dont think we ever tried just finding a quiet place for the 2 of us. And yes she can be quite negative at times. And i dont know if i could honestly say if she has "checked out" of the marriage or not just yet. She does have her good times every now and then. Some times i think its me who may have checked out of the marriage. But i will give your sugestions a shot. I know we have done the chore chart before, with failure. that could have been because of other issues with it like the yelling and such. Thank you again for the great idea's.

[chio88]

Originally Posted by ajnay

Thank you.
Some times i think its me who may have checked out of the marriage.

It must be really tough to be in the situation you are in right now. Assess what you really feel. It's hard to do something that you don't totally believe in. But I commend you in trying to put things in better shape. I agree with gr8day, sometimes people tend not to listen when yelled at and the one that is calm is the one in control. And the children are the ones mostly affected when there is no harmony at home. Try to have a time to relax with the family and most specially with your wife, and who knows it will all clear up when the bond is stronger.
Regarding your step son, yes, you might not be the father but yet, you deserve to be respected.
It's a great thing that your planning to move forward in your career, that will surely pay off in time especially with the kind of perseverance you have. I know there's a great reward with all your efforts. Just look on how you want to make things better. It's in you and you just got to believe it 100%.
Hope everything will go on smoothly with you and your family soon. Wishing you all the best.