[jjones]

Hello, I am new here. I am 28 years old and have a 11 month old. My son's father started a new relationship after I got pregnant. He decided to go back to his old flame that he was with for 11 years and I recently found out his was always with her during the 4 years he was with me. My issue is that he knows that I am still emotionally attached to him because we have a child. I could not let go and I continued to hope for a real family. So on thanksgiving he told me that him and his woman were having a child. My child is his first. I was devestated because he said he never wanted children with more than one woman. I was just starting to cope with the fact that we would never get back together and he throws this on me. For 2 months I was a mess, constantly crying and just feeling so betrayed and hurt. I coped the best way I could, but it was so hard because I could not get myself to think of anything else except this. So, last week he tells me that It was all a lie!!!! It was a freaking Lie!!!!! He said that he saw that I was getting over him so he decided to tell the truth. The reason he told me this lie was so that I could get on with my life and stop worrying about him and be happy for myself. I was shocked!!! how could someone do this to another person? He dragged me through an emotional hell all because he didn't want to see me keep hurting, but he hurt me even more and he doesn't seem to think what he did was wrong! I need some advice on how I should handle this because at this time we are not speaking.

[heritagemom]

Jjones,
I can see that you are in a place of immense pain and suffering and I'm sorry that these events in your life have caused you so much agony. Having someone we love betray us can shatter our worlds and leave us with what seems like nothing to build on. But there IS healing and the ability to move on, but we have to GIVE ourselves permission to do that. And for your son as well as for yourself, you MUST move forward in your life and heal so that you can have a stable and healthy environment to raise your child in.

The HARDEST thing you will ever learn, is that our emotions and responses are a matter of personal choice. I know that we often feel (and I felt this way too) that other people do things that "make us mad" or "hurt me"...but in reality no one can MAKE us feel happy, sad, or angry...there is no master control outside of us that people can use to manipulate our feelings...unless we LET them. People can and WILL do things that are cruel, mean, selfish and hurtful...but how WE respond to their actions is a choice.

You said you were beginning to accept that you would not be together with him again, and then he told you the lie and it sent you into a spiral. If you had truly accepted that you would not be with this man again, then him having a child with someone else wouldn't matter. It would be hard to see happen, but it wouldn't change anything for you in the end anyway. You had not accepted that fact or it wouldn't have hurt you so badly. You are still thinking that because he made some comment about having children with only ONE woman, that if you were the only woman he had a child with, he WOULD come back someday. His behavior both NOW and DURING your relationship means that he cannot committ to just ONE woman at a time. Even the birth of your child did not sway him from this past affair...

If he truly DID tell you a lie to help you get over him, and you believe his intentions were sincere, it's not emotional abuse. HE is not the one beating you up emotionally. You are. He said he lied to you to help you "get over him" so he clearly does not see you as accepting the facts and moving on. What is painful to realize is that he was always with this first woman, and he had an "affair" with YOU. It doesn't look like he ever had any intention of NOT being with this other woman, and if that's the case, there was never hope for a family. Having a child does NOT make a family anymore than sleeping in the garage makes one a car. Many people marry and stay monogamous for decades and then divorce WITH a houseful of kids. It takes TWO adults who are committed to each other, raising children, building a house, establishing traditions, and focused on the same goals to make a family. And this man never even took the first step...committment.

I truly am SO sorry you are going through this. I've been on the "left" end before, after being married for 11 years to my best friend, and I can empathize a lot with the pain and betrayal you are feeling. But someone who would break your heart so easily, cheat on two women at the same time, and set such an example for his son, is NOT the kind of person you should want to be with anyway! You deserve to be loved, accepted, and treated with respect and honesty...something your son's father has no idea how to do.

My prayers are with you and I hope you seek some help. Talking to a professional and working on creating your OWN happiness and peace will allow you to feel strong, and centered and emotionally available for your son who needs you so much. Work on creating a "home" for him and building a healthy mom for him...because those things ARE in your control.

Hugs

[HappyMomAnna]

Well, for what my advice is worth I would say yes, you have been in an emotionally abusive situation! It would have been nice for you in the first place if he had actually married you before you had children....there are some great advantages to doing things the old fashioned way. But, that is all water under the bridge now....

He will always be the father of your child and that means ***Hopefully*** you will have to deal with him the rest of your life. Every child deserves the chance to grow up and decide what kind of jerk they have for a parent and you don't have to help that issue be proven to your child....usually jerks do a fine job all by themselves of showing their children what (or who) they really are. Just don't talk trash about him to your child--tell the truth and We moms don't have to make it worse for our children by trying to prove any points.....

So you have to deal with a jerk the rest of your life now. And that stinks!

BUT, you are in charge of YOUR own life....and YOU don't have to be all emotionally wrapped up with a Jerk.... There are some VERY wonderful Men in this world who are NOT Jerks....and who don't poop all over the women that love them. There are some VERY wonderful men who CAN and often do step in and TEACH our children what REAL Men are like!

So--you love this guy and he hurt you...he hurt the girl he dated before you....and there are going to be more hurt women in his path because Girls seem to let him hurt them.... Look at him for Who he really is and what he has done with his life and how he has treated the woman he seems to love enough to sleep with but not enough to stay faithful with.... Do YOU REALLY Like this person That Much?

Or are you afraid of what life is going to be alone as a mother---without a jerk loving you? What did this guy give you other than your beautiful child? Nothing but poo! One roller coaster ride after another! And the fact is this is HOW he learned to treat you and most people do not UNLEARN things like this....

Honey....I would get a therapists and see about how to find YOUR OWN self esteem and happiness....We do NOT have to have a man to be happy and in fact when we are HAPPY we actually find men who treat us better.... You were burned and burned hard...some of it was your own responsibility for not making a better choice in the first place but We all Make mistakes...Just because we make a Mistake does not mean we have to stick to it the rest of our lives...

I would make myself feel and look pretty inside and out and stop giving a mistake--jerk--the POWER in my life to affect my emotions.... Yes we loved them once but we don't have to put up with it! I love my dad too and I sure as heck don't want to spend everyday of my life living with him.... Love does not have to be what we sometimes think it is.... You can love someone and NOT need them in your day to day thoughts or life....

Your mistake--jerk seems to enjoy the power he has over you....Why give him that pleasure? Good men don't want to control us they want to be partners with us... I wouldn't cry another toxic tear for him or his actions...I would make myself the most happy well adjusted mommy you possible can be and pick better next time...
That is just my opinion.

[ACard]

I have been in a similiar situation. I became pregnant at age 26 after going out with a guy (age 35) for 6 months. There were a few red flags that went up but I ignored them. When I told him I was pregnant he was very angry. He didn't want the baby and that created a huge problem. At the time I thought I loved him and being pregnant made me try and hold onto him with every ounce of my energy. Like you I wanted to have a father for my child and to be a family. I was ready for a baby and was not going to have an abortion or give her up like he wanted me to. He even told me that the problem wasn't me it was the baby. He said he wanted me but didn't want to give any of this fun things up to be a parent. I should have ran for the hills righ there.

I went through a gruelling 9 months of constant sobbing and misery. I live alone and went to every appointment alone. My mom had to come down to my place to go to birthing class with me. Even after I had my daughter I wanted to make it work. More than anything I wanted my daughter to have her father.

Looking back 5 years later I can tell you that I was foolish. First of all the worst thing I ever did was try and get him involved. Now he is involved with my daughter and doesn't leave us alone. I'm married now but he never married. He only got back with an ex-girlfriend for court to make it look good (he moved in with her). They've split up since then. The only reason I can think of that I was so devastated about him not wanting to be with me is because I couldn't understand how a man could create a child with someone and not want it. Also that little factor that we want what he can't have.

My advice to you is to give yourself some special pampering and get over him. You deserve better! Don't be afraid of setting higher standards for the next guy you date. These people are influences on our children and we have to think about that first. I didn't think I would ever have a family or get to go through a labor with a husband but I have twice now. We have 2 girls together and I love it so much. My daughter has a stable home and is doing wonderfully.

It is not abuse unless you let it consume you. Do not let him or anything he has said robb you of your piece. I have learned to let everything my ex sais go in one ear and out the other. I never give him the satisfaction of argueing with him and he now knows it. I personally think that is a means of control. They want to push our buttons because they expect us to react and they know they can.

Good luck! Please email me if you want to talk more. My sister is going through something similiar as well.

I

[KristynCrow]

My first husband left me when I was pregant with our fourth son. It was the most devastating situation of my life. I could write a novel about the whole experience; it was unbelievable.
Based on my experience, I would suggest that you do whatever you can to move on from this man. He is NOT going to give you the family you dream of. He will only bring you more and more grief, so much that it will start to feel normal and like you "deserve" it. Seek counseling, and rely on family and strong friends to support you. It will be rough at first, but eventually you will look back and think, "Did I actually have feelings for a person so cruel?"
Your dreams of a family are not overwith. Love is often better the second time around. I remarried with four kids. I went through a terrible ordeal and came out better off. You need to get rid of this loser. Just my advice.

[simplechic]

My advice is that you have your answer. You were wondering if things would work out and if this man could be eventually be there for you and your child. Then, he did something so cruel, that he really showed you who he was. You shouldn't have to wonder about him anymore. Although he said he did this to you for your own good, I would not believe it. It seems like since he has been with you he has not done much that would show you that he really cares about you. He did this because he was angry and he wanted you to be upset too.
Do not spend any more time wondering if something could happen with this guy! He has already shown you how he will treat you! Instead, live your life the best that you can and know that there are men out there who are loving and kind--that is what you deserve. You deserve someone who will go out of there way to make you happy, not miserable.

[mcmama]

What a manipulator! Dump him. But stick him for all the child support you can.
He will do you and your child no good. Get free of him and live your own life, raising your child to love and respect you.

[chdsgrl]

I just have one thing to say. Sometimes we're in love with the "idea" of who we think a person is. Once we remove ourselves from the situation, we can see that the person wasn't the person we thought they were at all. It was simply the idea of who we wanted them to be. So, we weren't really in love with the person, we were in love with the "idea".
Think about it. There is one thing that is important in your life now, and that is your child. Whether this man would have been abusive or not is a non issue now.

Originally Posted by jjones

Hello, I am new here. I am 28 years old and have a 11 month old. My son's father started a new relationship after I got pregnant. He decided to go back to his old flame that he was with for 11 years and I recently found out his was always with her during the 4 years he was with me. My issue is that he knows that I am still emotionally attached to him because we have a child. I could not let go and I continued to hope for a real family. So on thanksgiving he told me that him and his woman were having a child. My child is his first. I was devestated because he said he never wanted children with more than one woman. I was just starting to cope with the fact that we would never get back together and he throws this on me. For 2 months I was a mess, constantly crying and just feeling so betrayed and hurt. I coped the best way I could, but it was so hard because I could not get myself to think of anything else except this. So, last week he tells me that It was all a lie!!!! It was a freaking Lie!!!!! He said that he saw that I was getting over him so he decided to tell the truth. The reason he told me this lie was so that I could get on with my life and stop worrying about him and be happy for myself. I was shocked!!! how could someone do this to another person? He dragged me through an emotional hell all because he didn't want to see me keep hurting, but he hurt me even more and he doesn't seem to think what he did was wrong! I need some advice on how I should handle this because at this time we are not speaking.

[kvSheldon]

Jjones,
You have received alot of good advice here, so I'm not going to repeat what has already been said. I just want you to keep this in mind. Emotional abuse is intentional and it's about power and control. It sounds to me like what he did was not only intentional but manipulative as well. I know at times it can be hard to understand if a boyfriend or husband is being emotionally abusive. Unlike physical abuse it does not leave bruises. However, the emotional abuse can sometimes be harder to heal from.
Kathy

[beth]

Hi jjones
You've been given some really good advice by women who have been in similar situations. I think, deep down, you already know what it is you have to do regarding this man. You deserve so much better than what you have received, and you can't go out and get it while you are still connected to this man. It's hard to let go, but often what we are really letting go of is a dream, and dreams are harder to let go of than reality. Once you start dealing with the reality of the situation, it will be easier to let him go. You might find some of my blogs helpful --particularly one called Dealing with Reality plus several others on self esteem. You know what you'd tell your best friend to do in this situation, so be a good friend to yourself!