[allisonx]

I'm not sure if this is where I should put this, but it's directly affecting Jacobi and I really don't know what I should do.
DH gets really upset when he is crying. He doesn't offer to help or console him, and if I give him to him he throws him in the air and makes him scream even more while I'm getting him his bottle or getting his bath ready. He doesn't really help much anymore, either. My dad says that while I was in the bathroom and DH was here with Jack he told him to shut up when he was screaming-- and not in a joking way,.

We just moved and Jack's having issues sleeping because his room isn't together yet and he really hates pak n plays, and so I've been letting him sleep with me. DH gets very mad when I do this, and I try to explain that I can't sleep any other way and neither cna Jack and all he can say is, "I don't care."
I don't know what to do. I'm at a loss. I know he cares about Jacobi--well actually I don't right now, but I did recently. If I try to say anything he gets mad at meand says I'm nagging or b**ching....

I just don't know what to do. It kills me to see Jacobi treated like that, but I can't find a way to explain it to DH to make him start treating him like a three month old. It's like he didn't understand that babies would cry when they were born.... And then he yells at me for "coddling" Jack when he cries. I let him cry when I'm busy and when no one else is there to get him, but if I'm sitting on my butt watching TV and he's crying I see no legitimate reason to let him cry...

I'm just really confused. Does anyone else have this problem??? How do I make him realize he's JUST A BABY and not a kid who knows what he's doing?

[DivasMomma]

(((HUGS)))

im so sorry you are going through this...i did with Kev as well with our first....now hes like super dad with Kaydee. I just dont think they understand (they as in your hubby and mine, i know lots of awesome dads!)

Maybe try classes? But if hes like my DH then thats not happening...i wish i had more advice...just do what you need to do as a great mother!

[allisonx]

It just sucks. I look at my sister's husband and he loves on his baby all the time. And I'm always getting yelled at for taking care of Jacobi, and for putting him in our bed and for giving him his paci when he's crying. It's like.. if he has sooo many problems with it, HE should be the one staying up all night when Jacobi is sick and HE should be the one doing all the stuff instead of watching TV while I'm trying to juggle baby and bottle washing. It just sucks. And he always yells at me to "shut that baby up" just like in the movies with abusive husbands. I feel crappy 50% of the time and the other 50 i'm just exhausted...
Sometimes I want to leave but I'm scared of what he'll do if he gets any visitation rights. And then by the time I get the guts he changes again.

[MiaCamille]

i'm sorry you are going through this but you are right it's verbal abuse and you and your baby do not need that.. it may not be what you want to hear but it's the truth. I would never let any man talk or treat my child that way, your DH is jealous of your baby and it could be dangerous....

[wanna be a young mother]

Originally Posted by MiaCamille

i'm sorry you are going through this but you are right it's verbal abuse and you and your baby do not need that.. it may not be what you want to hear but it's the truth. I would never let any man talk or treat my child that way, your DH is jealous of your baby and it could be dangerous....

I agree 100%! It probably wont stop and will get worse with time. He needs help. I would tell him to go see a Dr. about anger issues. You dont have to worry about him and visitation b/c you can let the court know his abuse is why you left. He would get supervised ones until he could prove he can handle the baby but if he's acting like that now then why would he want anything to do with him when you leave?

I know my Dh has had his issues with Nevy to but he has never told her to "shut up" at least not until she was older (after 12 months) and really was crying for no reason plus we always say "Shhhh" . I'm not saying my Dh is perfect b/c he's not but he was the one to always cuddle with her when she cried. Even now when she falls. If its just a little trip and I know she's not hurt I'll just ignore her "fake crying" but Dh runs over to make sure she's ok .

Dh has his moments but never once has he been "hostile" towards our daughter. Babies cry. That is how they communicate. If your Dh cant handle that then he either needs classes or couceling. It sounds like he has attachment and anger issues. If he wont get help then I would take my child and walk out. I can tell you right now that without proper help he wont change. So no matter how much he begs and says hes changed unless he has professional help dont go back to him. Good luck I really hope you figure all this out. My mother's husband is the same way and it really is a shame to watch my brother be treated horrible and see that my mom does nothing about it. He is your son and YOU need to protect him anyway you can. Good luck

[angelic_ky]

it almost sounds like he has PND (yes fathers can get it too)

[ASheppa0821]

Honestly, maybe it would be good for you to get a sitter for the night (probably your parents?), and let him know that you two need to have a long conversation. Let him have his chance to explain why he feels it's ok to treat you and Jacobi that way (it's NOT ok...). The best thing you can do is to say "You must have a reason for feeling the way you do and acting like you do..." then pause for 45 seconds. Then, after 45 seconds of dead silence, say "I'd like to know what it is." It's AMAZING what those statements and that small time frame can do. Let him have a chance to vent his frustrations, then you need to have your chance. He needs to know that he's entitled to go through things and that not everyone feels the same way about parenthood right away, but that doesn't give him the right to treat you and the baby that way. We all choose how we act and react. The fact of the matter is, you're his wife, and the mother of his child, and you deserve more respect than that. Some men feel like they don't know what to do with the baby, so they're afraid to try; because to them, if they don't succeed in quieting them and calming them, it's rejection and failure.

My DH had a hard time bonding with Emma in the beginning. He'd hold her and everything, but if she cried or had to be changed, or spit up, it was like the world was coming to and end. When he told me that her crying got to him and it "annoyed" him, it crushed me. Now, he's Mr. Hands-on-Daddy. He gets in the floor and plays with her, reads to her, watches Elmo and Barney with her, and even acts all "gooberish" (as I call it) to get her to laugh. It all started to click when she started responding to him in a more "toddler" way. He didn't know how to relate to her when all she just stared at him and messed in her diaper and ate. He was scared to watch her alone because he was afraid she's scream non-stop. Now, I get girls' night out and he bathes her, gets her fed and in bed... It's wonderful! But, like I said, it wasn't always that way. However, he didn't tell me to "shut that baby up" or tell Emma to "shut up". If he did, he would be answering to me...and your husband needs to answer to you over that.

This may require some professional help for both your marriage, and for him personally. Just try to be understanding of the fact that he might not be able to bond right now, but he also needs to understand that his behavior is unacceptable.

[mcmama]

You both could use some marriage counseling. Having a baby is an adjustment. You might be able to get him to counseling if he thinks it is to deal with you.

My ex was jealous of my relationship with our youngest baby. Always finding a reason for me to put the baby down, come here, pay attention, etc. And we did go through some very rough things with visitation. But I think you are jumping the gun to worry about that just yet.

How was your husband raised? In a house where they shut babies up? Is he king of the castle until now?

Likely he has some growing up to do, and having a baby who makes real and legitimate baby demands probably reminds him of this. He's an adult, not a big kid.

[Samual]

My dad is like that, he cannot stand babies at all, until his grandchildren hit about a year he absolutely hates being around them.

[purelegance]

DH got like that. the only time he would take her if it was like out of "spite". i had had it with DH not doing anything, and not being able to console izzy and it would all just get so much that i'd just set her in her crib and walk away for a few minutes. Normally, this would be when DH would ask me "where's izzy? geez can't you do anything!?" and go get her. yea. real helpful.

i think it's just something young dad's go through -- though that is NO excuse whatsoever. he needs to grow up and learn how to be patient. DH is a fantastic dad, and he goes insane if she stays the night anywhere but home.

the date idea is a fantastic idea. you have no idea how many issues can melt away and be resolved in a simple 1 hour or less (or more) date.