[MysticFireCat]

From Kindergarten through middle school, people used to tease me horribly; I was always the ugly, fat girl, who repulsed and disgusted everyone (even though my highest weight was only 145- I do have a larger bone structure). I moved right before starting high school, but I had a minor case of depression. I secluded myself from everyone, I never did fun things, I hit myself and walls all the time because I didn't know how to control my anger. I wanted to lose weight so badly, so I began a mini-starvation diet (eating only a small snack and a small dinner for the day). I lost down to about 120; I was so happy. Everyone thought I looked great at about 130-125. After that, the people who care about me the most said I started to look too skinny. I found a very loving boyfriend my sophomore year of high school, and he said the same thing. I began to worry, so I now eat between 1000-1200 calories a day. I now weight somewhere between 130-140; I haven't weighed in a while because I'm too disgusted with myself. I can't run because I over-exercised over the summer and injured my foot, and I do other exercises that aren't helping me like my appearance any more. I eat healthy foods all the time, and I do exercise, but it's not helping me at all. I'm not losing weight!!!! I want to starve myself again so badly; it's the only way I know how. I liked myself so much more before; I can't take this anymore. It would have to be done in secret because no one would approve for good reason. I'm so embarrassed by my image. I'm not anorexic, but I have the mind frame. I've thought about seeing a therapist, but I can't. I've lied to myself and so many others for so long that I can't stand it. I got so used to being able to tighten my abs and actually have a figure and was thin that I began to believe that I really looked like that. Lately, I know I was wrong....I have no shape, I have no muscle, and I flab and squish- it's gross. No one's seen this but my mom. It's ruining my life. I want to be able to have a shape and be thin like everyone else without tightening up. Someone please help me. How can I lose weight to look like I used to? Would a therapist even be able to help me? I don't know what to do.... I've also tried turning bulemic, but I can't do it... I still want to starve myself os I can be skinny again. I'm so afraid of being teased like I used to; I feel so conceited. I have a wonderful boyfriend, a wonderful family, and so many other things, but I just can't believe them anymore and am so disgusted by my body image. Even my boyfriend hasn't seen what my torso really looks like because I'm too embarrassed to loosen up; I know he wouldn't care. I still just can't. Sorry this is so long; I didn't know the best way to say all that... Thanks. Btw, call me stupid if you want to because I know I am. I should be able to see how fortunate I am and forget what the rest of the world thinks. I tried, but I can't do it...So, I hope someone can help me...