[WannaBeWife]

I am a new member…here is my background, and I desperately need advice!
My husband and I have been married for 12 yrs. no children and we are both 45 years old. We lived together for 2 years before we married. Our sex life was active (sometimes twice a day) and exciting. Every Sunday we had an unplanned ritual of sitting on the sofa (no TV & no radio) just talking for hours!
Red flags...When we met, my husband was somewhat introverted and I have always been outgoing and assertive. In social settings he encouraged me to take the lead and once we were married, he encouraged me to take the lead in making all of the decisions…from where we lived, getting the mortgage, managing the finances and paying the bills, planning our vacations…you name it, I did it. This really bothered me, I would always seek his advice, and he would always tell me the same thing, whatever you think sweetie.
Slippery slop…Shortly after we were married, we decided to have kids, but could not so we went to a fertility clinic. We were both tested and the day we were to return for the results, my husband refused to go because he did not want to know which of us had a problem. Although I disagreed, we kept trying on our on but never conceived and finally just stopped talking about having a child. I approached adoption but he said no. Eventually our sex life became less exciting and less frequent and my husband starting calling me names...frigid, cold, boring and the big one, comparing me to his old girlfriends. I am a very emotional woman and it is hard for me to feel closeness at night, when there is no romance during the day. The name-calling broke my spirit and I know I began to resent him for it.
Our Sunday talks ended and eventually every argument was about our horrible sex life. He started spending every weekend with his friends, watching football and doing I have no idea what. He has never stayed out all night, but my gut feeling is he is, or has had an affair. I started buying books and videos to spice things up, but he refused to participate. I suggested counseling and he said no, things should just happen naturally. So, the arguments continued and our ability to communicate dropped to zero…every discussion circled back to a fight about our sex life, or lack thereof.
Downward spiral…today I still manage all of our affairs and he gives little or no input. He accuses me of being too aggressive and says I do not respect him. I have tried encouraging and motivating him but I always say the wrong thing. He once told me when he was growing up, he was not allowed to give his opinion and I think he still feels like this silent little boy (I know he needs counseling but he still refuses to get help). He points out my flaws, but sees none in himself. He can tell me what the problem is, but never has a solution. He can go for days without saying a word to me, and then act as if nothing happened!
This past weekend I planned a get quick getaway. Saturday was great and we had sex, yeah! Sunday morning we woke up and started to have sex but he changed his mind (because I was not “doing enough”), got angry and said forget it, let’s just leave! We did not talk on the drive home. And, when we got home, he left and spent the rest of the day with his friends watching football! When he came home, he brought me flowers. I was still angry and made the mistake of asking if the flowers were because he was out cheating on me, since he forgot to wear his wedding ring! He laughed it off and spent the rest of the evening upstairs with me downstairs.
Later last night he told me he does not feel I am his best friend and he cannot talk to me. I told him I am always there for him and he can talk to me about anything, he just has to say what is on his mind. He said he could not tell me how he really feels because I will get angry. Typically, when he tells me how he feels, it is in the form of criticism and he always tells me the negative sides of my behavior, but has never once offered a solution. When I try to offer solutions, he says I am trying to take over and I always want to be right. This morning he left for work without saying a word to me and I joined this site looking for advice.
What the heck do I do! I love my husband but I am 45 years old and the past twelve years have been a rollercoaster ride and neither one of us are happy. Having a conversation with him is like walking through a land mind trying to avoid the bombs. He is easily angered and seems to be upset all of the time. What’s amazing is when we are around other people, he’s happy and I hear him on the telephone with his male friends and he talks to them and spends all of his free time with them. His parents were married for 50 years before his Mom died and I never would have thought he was the kind of person who would be unfaithful.
I think I have been functioning with blinders on but I do not know how to take them off or what to do, help!

[Momof2kids]

You certainly sound very unhappy and if you re-read your story, it sounds like you know where this is going. You have made several attempts over the last 12years to keep things going...but your dh only puts up walls. He obviously feels he has short comings because he always blames you or blocks you out. Change is always hard in any situation but maybe counseling (sp?) for yourself would be wise. This may help you become stronger for what may lie ahead..i.e.divorce. Have you tried talking to him about divorce? Is this what he wants? What does he want? You say that you love him, but do you want to spend the next 12 or more years on another roller coaster and not happy? I am sure that you can find someone to love you back and who you could love too.

[WannaBeWife]

Thank you Momof2kids...you're right, I think in my heart I know where this is heading.
I have brought up divorce, and ironically, my husband says he does not want a divorce. I struggle with trying to make our marriage work and I have tried in as many ways as I know how to explain to him that it takes two to make it work. I guess I'm just hoping that if he puts in the effort, we could work it out. I am so confused. One day he says he loves me and does not want to be with anyone else, and the next day he says he is miserable.
I can only change myself, which is why I think you are right in that I should seek counseling alone. And no, I do not want to spend more time banging my head against the wall, I think I'm afraid to let go, and I'm afraid to stay.

[Momof2kids]

I feel for you, it is not a good place to be but maybe if your husband sees that you are seeking help, he will make an attempt to do something. i.e. seek counseling, or make an effort to change and open up. If talking to him doesn't work, maybe you should think about writing down very percise thoughts..don't loose direction. Tell him you tried to talk, have sex, go on dates...and he was unresponsive. Explain that you cannot live like that and won't. You deserve so much more---

[mrmnmom82]

When people allways point out other's flaws, it's usually because they want to feel better about themselves. It sounds like he has confidence issues, maybe even a problem with depression. You can't fix those things, he has to. And it doesn't sound like he has any desire to do any changing on his end. A marriage cannot work under these conditions. I agree with the previous post, maybe if he sees you in counseling, and that it helps you, maybe he will consider giving it a chance.

[chio88]

I agree, it's difficult to work things out in these conditions. As what you've told us, look's like his issues are way back rooted since childhood. And the best thing that you can do is get some counseling. Best wishes. Hope things will work out fine.