[proudrobot]

I'm not sure why I'm posting on here, but thought maybe I'd get lucky and get some words of wisdom.

I'm at my wits end with my marriage. I love my wife, but we have what seem to be problems that may be too big to overcome. I've had a very difficult year, depression, alcohol abuse, etc... I've worked hard to improve things, but it seems that whatever I do isn't enough. I've been going to a therapist, quit drinking (for a time), and working strategies to improve my depression. After my last 30 day commitment to not drink at all, I planned to have a few drinks (not get drunk) then commit to another 30 days. She freaked out. The long story made short is she said a lot of mean things, criticized everything I do, even to the point of railing about me drinking too much diet Mt. Dew during the 30 days, and thus getting too much caffeine!

I'm staying in the guest bedroom, and have been for a few nights now. I really don't know what to do. I just don't know if I can go on like this. We have three grown children, and a 5 year old daughter. For the 28 years we've been together I've tried hard to be patient with our different sex drive (mine is relentless, hers is lukewarm at best). And yet it feels as though none of that history matters. It feels like she wants me to conform to what she wants, or what she thinks is right for me to do.

I'm not sure if it's the rebellious child in me, or what, but I'm not good at being ordered how to live my life. I make a good living that allows her to stay at home and not work (other than taking care of the home and child, which I know is a full-time job). We are still very attracted to each other, and when we do make love, far less often than I'd like, it's tremendous for both of us.

I just don't know if I can handle this new dynamic of her making demands of what I should do.

There's a lot more to the story, of course, but the whole thing would fill the site and take more time than anyone would care to read. I'm miserable, and just can't decide if I'd be more or less miserable without her. I find myself thinking more and more about what it would be like to be with someone else, especially with the added wisdom about what is important to me.

If you have any thoughts, I'd appreciate hearing them. If not, thanks for listening.

[mcmama]

If you have a drinking problem, you can't quit for a month and then have a few drinks but not get drunk and then go back on. That just does not work. Sobriety is a one day at a time thing. 30 day plans do not work for the long term.

What you have written really sounds like alcoholic logic to me.

Most people who are not alcoholics get drunk after a few drinks. If you think you are "only" going to have a few drinks but not get drunk, then that says a lot about why your wife is frustrated at living with your addiction. Also if you are medicated for depression, having a few drinks is a terrible idea. Alcohol is a depressant. Strangely, many depressed people self medicate with it, I guess it is because it relaxes people and releases inhibitions.

You are forcing your wife into telling you how to live your life by not making the decision to deal with the problem yourself and setting up plans that deny the problem and do not work. When someone who has been in a co dependent relationship with an alchoholic finally loses their temper and breaks their own pattern, things can move along - because the alcoholic has to make a choice, on their own, to deal with it. A 30 day plan and then having a few says "I don't have a problem, I am just (heavy sigh heavy sigh) humoring my nagging wife". You are not dealing with it for real.

Once you get real control over the alcohol addiction, then you can from a real perspective examine what is right and wrong with your marriage. I suspect that your wife has felt it was up to her to control your drinking, and for that reason there is a lot of burden and behaviors about that.

Go to AA, if you have not already been. If you have been there, go back. Get with the real program, and good luck!!!!

[PetScribe]

I have to agree with Janet, ProudRobot. Reading that you wanted to just have a few drinks after dealing with alcoholism in order to celebrate 30 days of sobriety before tackling another 30 days rang very wrong.

It sounds like your wife loves you very much if she's "nagging" you so much. Too much caffeine is not good either. She sounds like she's worried about your overall health and you being the best person you can be.

But criticism can be hard to take, even when it's meant well, and some people don't always deliver it well. (eg. My husband can adopt a very condescening, know-it-all tone that just drives me bananas to the max when he expresses some opinion about something I'm doing that he doesn't agree with. He does this to everyone though, and until the last few years had no idea he adopted such a tone. He tries to work on it now.)

You need to tell your wife that you feel she's trying to control your life, tell you what to do, etc, and you don't appreicate that. If it's the way she's delivering her lectures, tell her that's bothering you and maybe there's a more positive way she can deliver her message.

But if you are struggling with depression, you need to get a hold of that first. And try to understand it from your wife's perspective. She seems to know you struggle with it and perhaps how you are when you drink isn't so good for her. She criticizes (perhaps not rightly, or not in the right way) but perhaps she means well. She's actualy trying to help get you to stop and she probably just wants to see you happy. She may even blame herself for you not feeling happy.

Don't give up on 28 years just yet...or yourself. There's help out there. And it seems you want it because you came here! That's a step in the right direction already!

[QueenAngie]

Welcome to the board!

Maybe your wife wishes to see you healthy and happy.....long past your 5 yo graduating from high school, college, and getting married.

Quit the alcohol. Stop 100%.

Try AAA and your wife could also attend the spouse meetings.

[slygirrl]

I'm with all the other girls..... the 30 day appraoch isn't going to work. I'm married to someone who tried to use that logic. He had a DWI and two minor in possessions at 19. That same year he was sent to rehab through work and was told through the courts he must attend AA meetings every week for like 3 months or something. Your 30 day approach is the same as what he did- granted he didn't really want to stop drinking even after that! He'd go to his meetings, come home and start drinking again, but he didn't go anywhere (that's not the point, but it's part of the story). You have to WANT to STOP you can't go 30 days and say "Okay I made it 30 days now it's time to reward myself" which is essentially what you are doing.

I'm with your wife. She's not being your enabler and you don't like it, that's why you are upset with her setting boundaries with it. My dh stopped drinking (thank GOD), but living with an alcoholic isn't easy and your wife isn't going to put up with it anymore, do you blame her? You aren't a child, so using the "rebellious child" theory won't work. You are a grown up, and it kind of sounds manipulative to say (which is not what you said, but that is how it looks) "Well, I make a living fine enough so you don't have to work, now let me do what I want" and that's not right ether. Your alcoholic behavior is also not presenting a good role model (which you are supposed to be) for your 5 year old daughter. No child wants to see their parent be a drunk.

It's like this, either quit or don't, but don't blame your wife for the problems in your marriage. She's taking an active role at attempting to curb your taste for the bottle. She's looking out for you, and that makes her a good partner. I think if you did leave her, after all the time and effort you both have put into this relationship, you would regret it later. Please go get help, not just for you, but for your marriage and for that little girl who looks up to you.

[proudrobot]

Thank you all for taking time to reply. The best thing about a forum like this is the ability to be brutally honest, since there's no investment in relationships, etc...
The responses were pretty well in line with what I expected, and have given me some things to think about.

Thanks.