[Clam]

At the beginning of this year, my husband cheated on me with his old girlfriend. I found out about it and told him to move out. We have a 17 month old son...and our relationship started to deteriorate when he was born. I took him back couple of months later and even though I forgave him I still can't shake off what happened....Initially, we went to counseling and that definintely helped. I have e-mailed her couple of times, because I felt like I just had tell her what I think about her and the situation (she is a TEACHER by the way). Currently, our marriage is better than ever. The problem is that I keep thinking about him and her....and I keep bringing it up every time we have an argument. I realize that it's pointless, but it's almost like I want to hurt him as much as he hurt me....I want revenge. I know that women can forgive, but never forget. But I think about it every single day.....for God sakes I found her on facebook not to long ago (months after she cancelled her account) and e-mailed her again!! I just can't seem to control my anger and hostility towards her.....
I have a good job..and I don't want to jeopardize anything...especially my professional life and my reputation....I just feel like I am slowly getting out of line....

What the hell is wrong with me????

Does anyone feel this way too? Any advice?????

[shawspear]

If you don't feel this is a deal-breaker, then you have got to meet him half-way: stop rubbing it in his nose every time you get mad at him, forget about her, try and learn to trust him or at least not let his every move bother you, and give him a chance to prove to you he can be faithful. I realize it's not easy; it's such a betrayal. Dang it! I'm trying not to be negative.

If I were talking to him and he was serious about being faithful to you, I'd tell him to work at learning how to make a marriage successful: they like talking and expressing their feelings and having a husband that finds them beautiful and desirable. Learn to listen to her without letting the discussion get into a fight. Yeah, that's pretty tough too: they're extremely emotional, and the least little thing sets them off. Try harder and learn what it takes to better communicate with your wife, and express your feelings to her in simple ways: the way you look at her, kiss her, touch her, and talk to her.

I believe if he's serious about being with you, he should see a therapist alone to help him learn how to succeed in a marriage.

[Mom2Meg]

I know exactly how you feel! I am in the same boat. Feeling angry, betrayed, and hurt, on top of being a natural smartass with a sarcastic wit ... well, I have put my husband through the wringer on & off since his affair. It is perfectly normal to have angry, hostile feelings toward the other woman. Everyone does. I know someone else who was cheated on and she and "the other woman" had a physical confrontation. I am sure your husband expected you to be angry, but he probably hasn't expected it to go on this long. My husband has told me several times that it pushes him further away (if that's even possible, because he did a pretty good job of that when he made his unfortunate decision to cheat!). At some point, though, you need to realize that all those normal feelings become unhealthy when you constantly dwell on it. When you keep bringing it up, it is like picking a scab. It is just irritating an already hurtful thing.
I have recently come to the conclusion that I am not going to throw my energy into dwelling on it. It made me emotionally and physically sick. I need my energy for the hard journey ahead of me, dealing with a divorce, raising my daughter alone, and getting me in a better place. It is hard to get to this point, because revenge and lashing out seems so sweet at the time you're doing it. But, trust me, it gets you nowhere and, ultimately, you are the one who keeps getting hurt over & over. I know that, as a wife and mom, it is so hard to put ourselves first. But, you need to begin focusing on you, on the positive, and on putting the pieces back together. It is a GREAT thing that your husband was willing to go to counseling and you were able to save your marriage. Remember how hurtful it was to find out about your husband's affair with her? Every time you bring her up, you let her back into your now-happy marriage. Don't give her that power over you!
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