[ldouglasr]

I was wondering if anyone else has felt like divorce has changed your family dynamics.... especially if you are the oldest child, divorce put you into the role of parent becuase parents have so much they're dealing with, and somebody has to help with the other kids homework and supper needs to be made, etc... let me know how you feel about this topic!

[cocotbo]

My parents aren't divorced but they did have some problems when I was about 18. They separated and as I was still living at home, but an adult, they both felt that they could discuss their issues with me.

Let me say that there is no more difficult place for your child to be than in the middle and knowing way too much about the personal side of your marriage.

I had a friend go through the same sort of thing when she was about 16. Only in her case, her mother confided in her about a longstanding affair she had been having. My friend's relationships with men were difficult, to say the least, for many years because of it.

[HappyMomAnna]

I was 22 years old, married with two children of my own when my parents got divorced. My youngest brother was 15 years old and lived with me for over a year.

YES, I very much felt like the Parents when mine got divorced and emotionally had to comfort both of my parents and let them know I was "OK" with everything--which I was Not.
Interesting thread and I do wonder how people feel about this matter.

[nicki]

I recently wrote a blog titled: Top 12 Divorced Parenting Mistakes and parents treating their child like a friend or like the adult in the household is definitely right up there in the top 12 mistakes. It is inappropriate and definitely unhealthy. I think what often happens is parents are so consumed with their own grief and agony over the divorce that they desperately need someone to a) take over and b) lean on. Unfortunately, parents often look to their kids to fulfill these roles, inappropriately, because they are so convenient. I also think in a twisted sort of way, it makes parents feel less guilty about the divorce if they see their children moving on in a capable way - they really CAN convince themselves that their kids are "OK" so they should be "OK", too. Usually this is a pretty temporary situation and lasts about as long as healing lasts.

But in some instances, the situation persists. Sometimes a parent is so busy, newly single, that they are simply unable to take care of younger children or other household duties and suddenly the oldest child or children are thrust into the role of "other adult".

Another common and really unhealthy scenario is the parent casts the opposite sex oldest child into the "spouse" role. Usually there is no sexual misconduct but the oldest child really does begin to play the role of the "husband" in emotional ways.

Sometimes it's less obvious and the parent simply stops giving the child any parental discipline and, instead, casts them into "best friend" role. This is a really unhealthy situation because the child LOVES not having any rules or expectations but also badly badly NEEDS these things to feel secure and to become a functional adult. It is all-too-common for non-custodial parents to play this role (a.k.a the Disney Dad syndrome) but when a custodial parent starts to play this role, there are VERY big problems.

Anyway, check out the article and see how many of these mistakes might apply to your situation!

[mcmama]

Some kids feel the need to control the out of control - and they take more responsibility than they should. And apparently the legal system in some liberal places is just fine with that.

In one sense, my oldest took on more than he should - he took it on for me to deflect some of the abuse from me, and he took on protecting his brother. His dad was only too happy to lean on him as an adult buddy would. Now that he is in college, he distances himself from both of us, and maintains a close relationship with only his brother. Sometimes I think that if I had hired a different attorney, divorced sooner, been more agressive instead of "settling" with my abuser, I would have an intact family headed by me the adult, the single mom. But so much of my ex's greed was about diminishing me and my authority. So he put the kid in charge of decisions every chance he got in order to show me that my ideas meant nothing. Because the boy was 13, the courts went along with these "choices" that were not really choices at all, just compromises to abate abuse. If I had been allowed sole custody, they would have been allowed to be children growing up in a household headed by one responsible adult. But that does not fit the agenda these days.

Now that he is an adult, he doesn't bother with me much except to see his brother, and he keeps up with his dad but is not so available to "help out" with him anymore, because of all the manipulation.

[nicki]

Janet, the situation your son was put in is exactly why so many states do not allow child choice at ANY age of minority. My state is one of them. It offers children a voice but not the final say-so. I think it is criminal to allow a child choice because a) they are not adults, they simply are not equipped with the ability to determine what is in their best interest and b) it puts them in a terrible situation of torn loyalties and, like your son, abusive situations and c)it puts a huge, unfair, weight on their shoulders!
I think it is SO important for parents to get their kids into therapy as soon as any of these types of situations arise during a divorce. Janet, have you ever talked to your son about his feelings NOW about that time in his life? I imagine, having been a child of divorce myself, that he might feel a bit of resentment or anger at both of his parents for putting him in the position he was in. I know my Dad has made open statements and apologies for giving us kids far more power and authority that our ages dictated (and therefore giving up a lot of contact that he shouldn't have with us) and he cites it as one of his biggest parenting mistakes ever. I am glad for his honestly, it means a lot to me and I have used it to grow from in my own situation, for sure.

[HappyMomAnna]

I will never forget when My Ex was on his way out the door he had a long talk with our oldest child--our son and told him he was now "The Man of the House" Our son had just turned 12 years old....

When dad left I sat my son down for an even longer talk about how he was NOT the man of the house now...he was still the son and that his only responsibility was to be my kid and watch out for his little sister on visitations!

Of course, since my ex was a controller and manipulator he continued to cast our son in the role of "Man of the House." There were many conflicts between my son and I over his mixed messages.... and, it took some time for me to reinforce the fact that No One was the Man of the House--there was just one parent and all the obligations of parenting were my responsibility---But, he still had to be the one to take the garbage can to the curb because that was going to be his chore divorce or not.....

[mcmama]

I am so glad to have a discussion about this kind of abuse of children - that man of the house thing is really horrible - but abusers do it and then turn around and tell the "experts" that they are empowering the kids to grow up, since we baby them so! The mixed messages take a long time to decipher.

My oldest at 19 actually thanked me for protecting him from his dad's boyfriend. He said he did not understand at the time (when he was 13) really what the game was, but at 19 he had the perspective to realize that his so called "choices" weren't really choices at all, but circumstances that benefitted an adult agenda.

He still is very distant, making it clear that he has his own life now and really does have choices. But we had an interesting exchange this week. Despite not doing the fafsa, his dad has always "per our legally binding agreement" had his accountant prepare the kids tax return. Now, it is a nothing return, anyone can do it with software. My son's w2s were sent to my house. We had talked about him doing his own taxes since he and I do the fafsa and his dad really is clueless about this.

Well, there was conflict because I had not "surrendered" the w2s, and Dad went ahead and prepared a tax return for him. I told his dad last night that I did not realize he was still doing the tax return for the college kid, since I do the fafsa. My son said "uh, yeah, I forgot to tell you mom, he still wants to prepare my tax return". Of course, his magesty will not deign to have these conversations with me. So I agreed to "surrender" the W2s. Since he uses a reputable accountant, I am sure that if there is anything radically different the guy will amend it.

My son's reaction after this nonsense was to tell me "next year I am doing my own return. It is not that hard". I told him I would share the tax software with him, and we would reconcile it with the reporting that I do of him as a dependent and a college student. He was disgusted that such a little thing turned into such a big deal.

The interesting thing is that as an adult, he is finally realizing what kind of a relationship he wants with each of us. He intends to pursue graduate study with fellowships, and wants to leave the area. I have no problem with this - I take pride in it. It does not mean we cannot be in touch. But I suspect he is getting grief from his dad, who cannot deal with the fact that the kid is a man now, and REALLY has choices.

My ex also tried to circumvent my younger sons plans for summer - per the court order, I informed him of the dates of summer camp and church service trips so that he could plan his vacation with the boy. Well, sigh sigh sigh, he was going to go on this fabulous trip with these great people (yes they really are great people) and it was just at that time...so can you call the church and change the date? Can you change the camp arrangements? Can you reschedule drivers ed? Can you up end the whole summer to service me, the wonderful involved caring daddy who NEVER gets a chance to be truly involved because you keep the kids so busy....

I explained that no, the weeks for church trip and camp were pretty limited and set. Same for drivers ed. Shame he hadn't shared this important information with me, since it is my responsibility to plan for the kid. He left the conversation with a veiled, "Well, we'll see what WE can do about it..."

My teenager said last night "I'm going on the church trip, I'm going to camp, and I'm taking drivers ed. I have to do those things. A trip with Dad would be nice, but I wouldn't know anyone where he goes, and I HAVE TO DO THESE THINGS WITH MY SUMMER." He did not buy into the idea that mom had spoiled all the fun for the guys, a common tactic that had been used on his brother. And since he is a teen, there is no court going to MAKE him go with his dad, or punish me because his magesty does not approve again.

So he is going to be ok, but I still worry about his older brother. Could really kick myself for not having fought harder for them. Now I know more people use Guardian ad litems, but when we were divorced there was no such thing available. I wonder if my ex would have backed off if the kids had their own attorney!

[HappyMomAnna]

I have to take pleasure in the fact that as our children grow up---as hard as it is to watch them come to terms with the ex they do seem to come to terms with things.....

My oldest are 22 and 21 and there has been great advancement in the last two years with their dealing with and over coming the divorce issues as well as learning that their parents are NOT perfect..... One thing I try to remind my children of is that WE CAN ONLY DO OUR BEST.....and We all Make Mistakes....The difference between success and ignorance is recognizing our mistakes and not repeating them....and correcting what we can.

Over time our children come to understand the "games" they witnessed in our Divorces and as long as we are the ones who tried to play the FAIR hand our children come to realize it. I too wish I had fought for more, and demanded supervised visitations....hind sight is 20/20 the best we can do now is be there when they sprout those wings and fly!

[mcmama]

Originally Posted by HappyMomAnna

I have to take pleasure in the fact that as our children grow up---as hard as it is to watch them come to terms with the ex they do seem to come to terms with things.....

Over time our children come to understand the "games" they witnessed in our Divorces and as long as we are the ones who tried to play the FAIR hand our children come to realize it. I too wish I had fought for more, and demanded supervised visitations....hind sight is 20/20 the best we can do now is be there when they sprout those wings and fly!

It is hard to do this, to fight for a better settlement, better support, supervised visitations, etc, when you are yourself recovering from the abuse and the pressure is on in the courts to SETTLE and BE AGREEABLE. I really hate the idea with abusers that is so prevalent now that "his issues are with you, and not with the children, so you have to LET him be a good dad". It really puts it all on you, and none of the responsibility for his behavior on him. And it makes the kids grow up too fast, because they take on some of that scapegoating - like with my ex, he could be such a great dad if only they were different kids. But they're not.

Beats me why anyone who abuses their spouse has a RIGHT to have a relationship with their children at all, let alone force their spouse/victim to remain in contact with them to "let" that happen. But there it is. And the kids have to reinvent the wheel as they grow up. Maybe in a few years, they will be wiser about these things, remember their experiences, and change the courts so that the next generation does not have to survive this forced codependency. The courts in this area are all about abusers rights now, claiming it is children's rights. No child should be forced to go through this. But they won't listen to the custodial parents who advocate for stability, sanity, and recovery.

Mine are coming to terms with my ex - and it is clear to everyone we deal with publicly that he is very angry about it, but repressing that anger. What I find funny is that everyone knows that I will leave Jersey as soon as I can, and parents of the kids friends are saying NOW that they will miss me when I am gone because they like my kids but when families get together they don't want to have to deal with HIM by themselves. Now where was this over the 4 years of him trying to take the kids away?