[shannon_heslop]

Are there any other LDS step-parents or blended families out there? I've been married almost 10 years to a wonderful man with 3 awesome kids, but the ex has made it quite the wild ride. I'd love to compare notes or get ideas of how to handle things better in various situations. Experience is a great teacher and I'd love to avoid some of the errors of ignorance. I'd be happy to share what I've learned as well. It's quite the refiner's fire, but I knew I was marrying the right man after being single until I was 33. So many miracles!!!! And I have 4 more beautiful children. Life has changed drastically in the last 10 years!!! Mostly for the good. But it's sure been hard too. And it's not something you necessarily want to talk about with just anybody. It can be pretty negative sometimes and you don't want people to think you are just a whiner. So it's easier sometimes to just say everything is fine.

[blossy]

Hi Shannon
I was on my own with two very active boys until five months ago when my partner, who was my best friend for years, and I started dating. I know its frowned upon that we live under the same roof and that we aren't married (its complicated) but I have had so many bonuses (or blessings if you wish to call them) since we started sharing our home.
We were both inactive and have since gone back to church. Both of my boys were recently baptised and my oldest is now a deacon.
My partner has stepped into the role of step-dad really well. He treats the boys as if they were his own children. (He has 4 of his own who don't live with us). The boys are much better behaved and are growing in so many positive ways. I've been amazed with them both ~ it's wonderful!! I think we've been lucky that the boys father hasn't been about to discourage, bad mouth or influence us in anyway. However it is sad for the kids since they haven't seen their father in over 5 years.
We're still learning a lot as we go, especially since we're new to all this, but I see that as a good thing because we need to grow both spiritually and temporally.

I would love to be able to share with someone who has been there and done that. Any tips for success would be welcomed.

[shanaynay32]

I am 33 in a blended/extended family of four children. Ive been married three years and two of the children's mom died. My oldest has a dad who is not a believer. We have our times believe me. Only thing is........ I AM NOT mormon. I am a Jesus Freak, a believer of the Holy Bible and the Trinity. Do not let that seperate us, I can be of great support so long as we dont talk religion.

[caringmom]

i have a blended/extended family as well... we have had some really great time but the bad times have been really bad as well... i have two step kids who are 20 and 17.... the 17 year old has really given us a run for our money and still is.... he's really in a bad way! but we have recently found out that one of the reasons for this is that his mother (ex-wife) has been severely bad mouthing my husband and i for years now... i did always suspect this was the case but could never prove it however, my 20 year old step daughter just recently came to us, along with some of her friends to tell us what REALLY has been going on in their mother's home. i was shocked that their mother actually bad mouthed us to the children's friends as well as the children... my step daughter's close friends felt the need to support their friend as well as apologize to my husband and i for believing all the things the mother was saying.... since my stepson has been going down the wrong path, my stepdaughter and her friends have gained some wisdom about the mothers motives!!! it's been a real struggle to the point that i thought our family was coming together, but now seems to ge falling apart... my stepson has recently re-emerged in our lives and my husband seems to have forgotten all the rules we decided we were going to instill when this happened...now i am the bad guy.... i am not willing to give up that easily though... only time will tell but i will continue to fight the evil ex-wife forces... good thing my husband and i don't talk bad about her to the kids!!!!! it's been a tough one!!!!

[shannon_heslop]

Doesn't that sound familiar. We've known all along the the "evil-ex" has been bad mouthing us. What a number that does on the kids!! It's definitely hard for us, but I know it's got to be harder and more confusing for them. My oldest step-daughter is 17 and just graduated. So we are still waiting for the day when they will begin to figure out what has been going on for the last 10 years. (There have been occasional comments and glimpses that let us know they aren't totally blind all the time, even though it's easier to be.) They are good kids, but we definitely have totally different ways of parenting from their Mom. It's not so far off from where she started, but she's chosen a very different lifestyle. So that's been hard too. Pretty much anything goes there -- no responsibility or accountability (that's how she is about life in general), while things are structured here, but reasonable. And her problems are always someone elses fault (usually ours). So it's no surprise when the kids follow suit. Sometimes, things are pretty good with them and then others, it's absolutely awful. When the kids get out of control and she can't handle them anymore or she's not doing well, then they end up back with us. I sometimes wish they were just with us all the time, because I feel like every time they go back with her, we are doing damage control again. Teachers and councelors have agreed. I've finally just gotten to the point where I tell myself that I know we've done the best we can along the way and that someday, they will figure it out. Until then, we just choose our battles carefully and try to make sure they know we love them. Every now and then, it's tough love, but.... it's definitely hard.
I think the thing I struggle with the most is the impact is has on our younger children. How do you explain to them that what their older brother and sisters are doing is not O.K. My 8 year old is starting to get to the point where he can see what's going on more, but it's still confusing for him. Sometimes he is just acting like they do -- but it's not O.K. And then the older ones will sometimes complain about how the younger ones act up, when it's exactly the same kind of behavior, just at his age level.
At the moment, I can't complain too much. We're in a quiet time right now and things are more peaceful. I'm grateful for that. I know there are other issues to deal with when the other birth parent isn't around due to death or just plain neglect, but to me, it's seems like it's harder when the other parent is still in their lives, playing all these mind games and trying to undermine what you are trying to do to help them become contributing members of society. And even what you are trying to do with your own children in your own home.
The thing I am most grateful for is, that even when things have been at their worst, my step-kids and my younger children really do love each other and enjoy each other. Their mother never seems to be able to destroy that (I know she's tried). I'm glad they feel so connected. And for the most part they've treated me pretty well. My husband has taken the brunt of it and I just think he's been amazing through it all. He's not perfect, but he loves his kids and has proven time and time again that he's willing to sacrifice a great deal for them and wants them to be happy. I think most Dads just give up after a while. I know there's a stereotype about the dead-beat Dads and I know there are some out there. But there are plenty of dead-beat moms too -- probably more and more these days. So it's certainly not gender exclusive. Except Dad's seem to get the bad rap more often and moms are often supported more often. I know there's no justice through the courts. So you just do what you know is right and take the high road. No, it's not going to help the kids to bad mouth their mom or make things harder for them.
I've gone on long enough. It's just a tough one and nobody wins in the end. I just hope the someday, they will see that we really weren't so bad as their Mom wants them to believe and that we did help them and love them. Yes, I believe in miracles. I just don't think it will be for a while, so I won't hold my breath waiting for it.

[babydawn]

So let me ask you this question all of you blended families. My father in law passed away 2 years ago. A year ago, my mother in law got remarried. She and her new husband have basically had the agreement that he was not going to get involved in raising her 15 (now 16) year old son. In some cases I think this is best because having someone trying to "replace" his father is only going to cause resentment, but then on the other hand, sometimes I wonder if that is the right route to go. She does her absolute best and her husband is a wonderful man. Her son is such a sweet kid with so much to offer, but is still very full of anger over the loss of his father and the somewhat quick remarriage of his mother. She asked me the other day if I thought her husband should get more involved, I just didn't know the answer. I can see both sides.

[shannon_heslop]

That's a tough one, especially if the remarraige happened soon and with the age he is. I would say, don't ever try to "replace" the birth parent -- just start trying to build a relationship of trust with him. I think he has to be involved in raising him, but he doesn't need to be the person to discipline. Just the one to support your mother-in-law. They should both discuss things together and be prayerful if they have a difference of opinion on how to handle something, but it should come through her. He can support her son in his activities and even makes some attempts to have some one-on-one time with him -- doing something the son likes,. While he may not be receptive initially, her son will notice the effort and the interest. I can't imagine the son not wanting the step-father to care about him. Have they seen a counselor at all? I know that can really help, especially with understanding where the boy might be coming from and how to handle it. Yea, there are definitely 2 sides to this, but the bottom line is everyone would like more people to love and appreciate them. I've always tried to make it clear to my step-kids that I'm just another person who loves them and cares what happens to them and wants to help them be happy in life. No, they don't always believe me, but I still know it's important to them. And overall, they seem to appreciate that I'm not trying to take their Mom's place. And they do like to talk to me about things. Good luck. That's my take on things, but tell her the best person to ask is the Lord -- He know what will be the best course to take for all of them.

[Firespice]

Hi - I married my wonderful husband almost 6 years ago. on that day I got an almost 4 year old SD. it started bad and has JUST GOTTEN WORSE!!! started bad = we had to go to the courts and order bio-mom to let my SD attend our wedding (the court order was vage at the time on when we could see her - so basically we did NOT get to see her) now SD is almost 10. SD was soo excited to get baptised from one weekend and the next weekend she says she doesnt know and hasnt changed that song since. and wont tell us what happend excpet that "mommie said Jesus doesnt want you to be baptised" mind you bio-mom does not practice any religion.

recently bio-mom went to the courts and asked them to order US that we cant take SD to our church. (courts didnt touch that with a 10 foot pole, judge just skipped over that request and never went back.)

And i wont even get into the morality issues wiht my SD (and bio-moms live in boyfriend)

PLEASE support me somehow! I am soo stressed about this and NO ONE understands. Hubby is a good man, but everytime he makes more money they take more from us - the only one gettign raises is bio-mom and we have to go to the bishop for food some weeks!!!

SOOO stressed ... 8 more years left and we have our first on the way and we want to have more. also we live in So CA its sooo expensive and we cant seem to find a way to get out of the state for our family!!!! (if we did childsupport would kill us)

Hugs
suzie

[shannon_heslop]

Suzie,
Oh, do I ever understand!! I'm so sorry for what you are dealing with because it's very stressful and hard to deal with and most people don't have a clue of what you are going through and sometimes think you are exaggerating or over reacting.
My husband and I have been married almost 10 years and my step kids are now almost 18, 16 and 14. It's been a wild ride, in and out of courts, major financial difficulties, including church assistance because of child support, debts left from the ex and court costs.
And the baptism story sounds oh, so familiar. The oldest one was just getting baptized right at the time we got married, so it wasn't such an issue with her, but it was tough for the next one (ex has become super anti) and even harder for the youngest. That's a real story! There are definitely limitations on what you can do. I know there have been times when their mom has been bad mouthing us so much that it doesn't matter what we do, it's perceived in a negative way.
My only advise is to trust the Lord -- take it to Him and He will help you through it all. Here's an opportunity to really become more Christ-like, hard as it is. He understands all about being misunderstood, judged, having his good works perceived as bad, being under attack, not receiving justice in the courts and on and on. I think you get what I mean. Just take the high road, don't go to court unless you feel like the Lord is telling you that is what you need to do. Don't let the ex run your life and walk all over you -- like don't jump everytime she says jump. But don't get into a battle over stuff. You just have to let a lot of stuff go. Counseling helped a lot or having someone to talk to. Journaling can help you sort through it and get it out and deal with it. There are definitely ups and downs but the bottom line is to show your step daughter a better way to live and make sure she knows she is loved. Example and love go a long way.
We too have had the situation with the ex trying to get it so we can't take the kids to church. That was an unbelievable one!! The catch is she put in the divorce decree that the kids were to be raised LDS. Of course, she claims now it was my husband. The judge upheld the agreement, but the mom has done all she can to counter anything we do with church. That's been really hard for the kids -- very confusing.
I know I could go on and on, which is over kill, so I'd better give it rest. I'm in the Central Valley of CA -- it's very expensive here too. And we have 4 more together that we've added to the mix. I'm here if you ever want to talk. I just wish I would have had something like this several years ago -- I think it really would have helped me through some tough times. The feeling like you are alone is really tough!! But the truth is, you really are NOT alone and He can help you through it. Hang in there!

[Firespice]

Shannon, Thanks!
I think the only way we GOT this far is becase of HF. Hubby converted 1 year after we were married, and it has helped him SOOO much. It just feels like the systemis against us (dads) .... bio mom is terrable and the sad thing is we dont have to exagerate (i wish we were)

Bio-mom has been nice to us 2 times in the last month ........ first time in years (sometimes she is nice just before hse does something terrable) so we are hopeful and yet wondering what is up her sleve. I PRAY she is starting to be nice. sigh

Last year at this time .... get this ..... she hit my husband with her car, while SD was in the car, her car door open and she was unbuckled!!!!!!!!!!!!!! we spent $1000 + on doctor bills.... and went to court. knwo what the judge siad ... judge ordered bio-mom to follow all traffic laws, and when the cops showed up they wanted to arrest hubby cause bio-mom said he was going to hit her (lier) OOOOOOOOOOOOOO such a mess.

You know I could do on ... but it to depressing.

SD is VERY excited about this new baby and so far bio-mom has not tried anything to ruin it for her. (lets hope it stays that way) I jsut dont know where she gets the energy to play these games....... I sure have enough to do with my life I wouldnt have time to do what she does.

What i hate the most is when it gets really bad and hubby is jsut deffeated. one time there was touching issues with the live in boyfriend and we called hte cops and did everything right, and no one did anything. jsut about everyone told us we were lires. the only ting that got us through that was prayer. so frustrating.

Not to mention the money we lost on laywers .......... sigh ................ but we had to try.

Do you at least live close to bio-mom??? we have an hour drive one way ... and we want to raise our kids out of state. better places then Los Angles........

Hugs
suzie