[markbarnes19]

My sister-in-law won't let go of her child. She and my brother have been away from their daughter once in the five months she's been alive. When mom walks out of the room, the baby screams bloody murder. We keep telling her she needs to let go. Stop picking the baby up. Leave her with family. She refuses. Any advice?

[cocotbo]

For a woman, leaving their child with someone else can be a very difficult transition. For 9 months, you kept that child in the one place you KNEW it would be safe and cared for properly. Then you have to spend the rest of that child's life trying to let go. It isn't an easy thing to do.

Add to that the pain involved in hearing your baby cry and it is absolute torture.

Some women just need to be needed that way (by their child) while others don't realize that raising a confident, independent child means letting go early and teaching their child that Mom & Dad always come back.

5 months isn't a terribly long time. Be patient with her and don't make her feel she has to defend herself for wanting to protect her child. She'll get it eventually.

[Rivka]

Originally Posted by markbarnes19

My sister-in-law won't let go of her child. She and my brother have been away from their daughter once in the five months she's been alive. When mom walks out of the room, the baby screams bloody murder. We keep telling her she needs to let go. Stop picking the baby up. Leave her with family. She refuses. Any advice?

Five months is a prime age for separation anxiety, which is an absolutely normal developmental stage. It's something babies go through as they develop an understanding that baby and mommy are different people, and that mommy can be somewhere else. Separation anxiety is "cured" by letting emotional development mature a little more - nothing else needs to be done. There is certainly no need to force separation if the parent doesn't mind staying close.

Different families have different preferences for how much time the parents should spend with the baby. You don't say *why* you think it is necessary for your sister-in-law to stop picking the baby up or to leave the baby with other family members. Just because those things are common American parenting practices, that doesn't mean that they are healthier than maintaining a lot of close physical contact with a young baby. They are simply different preferences or different philosophies.

Either her father or I held our daughter about 23 hours a day for the first three or four months. She co-slept with us and spent a lot of time in a sling during the day. Family members warned us that she needed to "learn how to be put down." What happened? At about four months, she started wanting to get down and play. She transitioned smoothly from spending most of the day in our arms to spending a lot of time on the floor with toys. There was never any need to push.

[cocotbo]

Originally Posted by Rivka

She transitioned smoothly from spending most of the day in our arms to spending a lot of time on the floor with toys. There was never any need to push.

So true!
There was a time when my son just needed to be held, so I held him. Now he's 13 months old and he really doesn't care to be carried or held at all. As far as he's concerned, he's got too many other things to do and people to meet. Children pull away when they are ready - and each reaches that point at a different age.

[HappyMomAnna]

I actually don't think that it is all that important to seperate from a new baby! I don't see any reason she should feel she needs to teach her infant to detach this soon. Yes, for a mothers emotional well being it is nice to have an evening here or there but I don't know why everyone seems to think that we need to teach 5 month olds to seperate from us...
I didn't leave my older children at all for the first 2 years they were alive. I was always with them and they are grown and off at college today. The 22 year old is about to have his MASTERS degree and the 21 year old will have her bacholars this June. They did just fine going off on Scout camp outs and never had any problems because I didn't seperate from them until the age of 2.
Your sister-in-law may be breastfeeding and for me it was actually painful to seperate from my babies. I also have a policy that I don't leave my kids with anyone until they are old enough to tell me what happened in their words. Call it over protective or whatever but, I think it is fine that a mother wants to be the full time caregiver of a baby.... I actually think if more mom's were maybe children would not be as out of control as they appear to be these days?
Anyway I guess I just don't understand why it matters and what harm is done in being a mommy the way some of us need to be a mommy.... With my adopted children Not seperating for a long period of time has helped them form healthy attachment behaviors.
I am sure your sister-in-law will get a sitter and have time away when it is right for her.

[cocotbo]

Looks to me like the Mothers have spoken, Mark.
You aren't going to get anybody to back you up on this topic. Sorry.

[Brolynbub]

I myself was one of those Mum's who wouldnt leave my son! I was a single mother and the father never wanted him! I was extremely overprotective, and the phase lasted until he was about 7 months old.
I was told the same thing, about leaving him with people and I refused aswell.I am still breastfeeding him (and have done from birth) and I was also too scared that something would happen to him in my absence. Nothing frightened me more than something happening that I was not in control of!
I dont have an issue leaving him for small amounts of time these days, but in general, my son goes where I go! We are a team and I dont think that is a bad thing.
Yes, he loves Mummy more than anyone and if he is sick or teething, Mummy's the only one he wants. But he is a very happy baby and goes to everyone with a big smile!
I think leave her alone and she will some around in her own good time! I can tell you from experience, that the more someone harrasses you to "leave them alone, and let go a bit" the more aggravated it makes you...and a whole lot less likely to leave the bub with that person in question!!

[markbarnes19]

Originally Posted by cocotbo

Looks to me like the Mothers have spoken, Mark.
You aren't going to get anybody to back you up on this topic. Sorry.

It's not about getting backup. It's also not about letting the child adjust on its own. It's about the emotional stability of the parents. Adults need adult time, or their marriage will fail. It's as simple as that.

[cocotbo]

Originally Posted by markbarnes19

It's not about getting backup. It's also not about letting the child adjust on its own. It's about the emotional stability of the parents. Adults need adult time, or their marriage will fail. It's as simple as that.

Well then maybe we're discussing the wrong issue here. Your original post leads us to believe that this is an issue centered around the mother/child relationship but your last post leads me to believe that we're actually talking about the husband/wife relationship. Has your brother expressed frustration with the situation and that it is interfering with his relationship with his wife?

Adjusting to having a child is no picnic. Certainly a child brings a great deal of joy into your life, but those of us with marriages and kids know that the initial adjustment after that first child is murder - you must have gone through a period of adjustment when you and your wife had your first. I know it was pretty rough for me and my husband to get back to finding "adult time" again since we had to be so focused on being parents and were getting very little sleep.

Other issues arise too. Some women have a great deal of difficulty with physical intimacy after having a baby. There is obviously a bit of healing that needs to happen and many women suffer from infections and have a great deal of pain when intimate. That alone can put you off time alone with your spouse when you think he may try to initiate relations. You don't want to say no but you don't want to endure the pain either. Then there is the issue of not having any sleep. I'll be honest, I resented the fact that my husband was getting full nights of sleep while he was away at work and I was home alone with the baby 24/7. He'd return home refreshed and anxious for "adult time" and all I wanted was the sleep that I wasn't getting when he was gone!

[pattiewrites]

It also depends on the temperment of the baby. I was very attached to all three of my girls. Two were fine if I left the room, but that middle child! She would freak out if I left the house. Even if I was leaving her with her father. I was in school finishing up my Bachelors degree at the time. I took evening classes, so my husband was the only one watching her. It didn't matter. She would cry her little eyes out and give her poor daddy a terrible time. Eventually she got over it. I didn't treat her any differently than the other two. She just had different needs. She's in Kindergarten now and does just fine with separation. She loves school and never wants to stay home. (even if she's sick) I wouldn't worry, the baby will outgrow the stage eventually.