[all2ordinary]

Well, I guess this is as good a place as any to get advice. I'm glad there are people out there that want to help.
Ok so I love my husband more than anything. We are different than any couple I've ever known. We used to be so affectionate, we couldn't keep our hands off each other. But I have one problem, besides cheating, that I just wont tolerate. Lying. And unfortunatly I've told my husband that he can't do it, I can't trust him because he lies about everything. EVERYTHING. Even things he really doesn't need to. He was married once before and his ex-wife says that is what she couldn't stand about him. But he still lies. A lot. All we do lately is fight. Big fights. It's because I want answers and he "doesn't want to talk about it."
He cheated on me a while back and I've tried as hard as I can to forgive and forget but I keep uncovering lies. Pictures of her in his recent history, messages from his ex-wife saying he can redeem himself and they can work it out... I know I'm jelouse. I know I'm a little paranoid but to be fair I have reason to be. I'm going to get us to a counselor but I'd like to know if anyone else out there has been married to a compulsive liar and can have any trust in the relationship. I want it to work so bad but I can only be let down so many times. Is there a way I can make him stop lying to me?

[JeanLynn81]

Is there a way I can make him stop lying to me?

Unfortunately, my answer to this one is going to be "no."

As much as we would like, we can't mold a person into what we want them to be. I suspect since you said this is a problem he's always had, that you did nothing to encourage him to lie.

When you bring up the things you think he is lying about, does he ever try to place blame on you? i.e. "I feel like I can't tell you the truth because you over react." In all honesty, I really would be suspicious of his every move myself. Its different when a guy is interested in some new hot thing waitressing at his fave bar, or a girl he passes on the street. That's normal to me. But what isn't normal is the fact that he still talks to his ex-wife, who obviously wants to reignite their former passion. Do they have children together? If not, there's no reason for them to be involved in each other's lives. If so, unfortunately you need to make a decision to trust him as far as she's concerned.

Also I've found that most people who lie, are "people-pleasers" who don't know how to draw proper boundaries. Maybe ask him why he feels the need to please everyone all the time. If he doesn't get over that "need to please" then I'm afraid you will have a rocky road ahead of you with cheating issues. This needs to be worked out in order for the relationship to grow.

Good luck with everything. I hope someone else has some great advice as well for you.

[shannon38]

YES! I have been married to a compulsive lier! for 10 years, I was with him for 17, and he lied and still lies about everything, we've been separeted for 2 years now, and still to this day lies, it could be about the smallest thing, but, he'll lie about it, I hate him for that, I spent all my teenage years with him, I had no family, he was all I ever had, he was my everything, once married, I knew I only married him for one reason and that was because he was my comfort zone, I know now how much he is NOT what I want in a man, because there was nothing there but disrespect and lies apon lies, even now he lies to our 2 girls, its sickening, and I want to punch him sometimes just because of this stupid lieing game he plays, but now I have someone who is "normal" and respects me and is a tue "man" not a boy, I know now how a Adult relationship was suppose to be, and thank god He left me, NOw I can say that was the best thing he could ahve ever done for me! once a lier always a lier!

[purelegance]

Originally Posted by all2ordinary

messages from his ex-wife saying he can redeem himself and they can work it out...

this is a huge red flag with me. forget all the other lies, he is married TO YOU and trying to get back with his exwife? in my book, that's cheating. like jeanlynn said, you can't make him stop lieing. for compulsive liars, lieing is an addiction, so it needs to be treated as so. the only way to "make" him stop lieing, is to get him into therapy. but you can't force him into it, he has to realize his problem & agree to it, otherwise it'll never work.

[slygirrl]

I'm with everyone else you can't "make" him stop. You can threaten to leave him, and any other threats you would like but in the long run it's going to be futile because he will revert back to lying. Counseling is a good idea. but it may not be your cure all. I'm not trying to be negative, I've just been there. Only you can decide how long you want to deal with it, or if you want to deal with it at all. I think once he cheated he opened the door to having trust lost. That's the ultimate betrayal (for me anyway), and I don't blame you one bit for having trust issues. I think if nothing else you should see a counselor too for your own sanity. Men like him can drive women mad. Like I said, it's your choice what to do in the long run, but there is nothing you can do to make him stop. I wish you luck and I hope it gets easier for you.

[Beaglesfly]

Not really any advice, just a comment. I stopped for a moment and put myself there - having a husband perpetually lie to me. I must say it would make me truly bonkers. To have your "reality" constantly changing....first you think everything is one way, then you discover a lie, and suddenly what you thought to be true really wasn't.

I have been in a situation where I had a boyfriend whom I thought loved me. And one day, out of the blue, he said "I don't love you, and it's time we broke up." To have to reconcile what I thought to be true and what really was true was incredibly hard. I found myself looking back over our relationship and wondering, "was that part of it real?"; "was that just a lie?". And I did this for several weeks to the point that I could have truly driven myself crazy with frustration (no exageration here either).

Now to be faced with that situation every single day, I couldn't do it and keep my sanity. I probably would for a while (to try to maintain the relationship, to "stick it out"), but eventually I wouldn't be able to keep my sanity. That's me though.

IF you are able to look at it objectively, knowing that everything he says is suspect (and that he probably has a personality disorder), but not letting it eat at you, and IF he realizes he has a problem, then there's the possibility that he could get counseling. But those seem to be two REALLY big IFs at this point, because it is greatly affecting you AND he doesn't seem to think he has a problem.

I know for me it would become a slippery slope if I stayed. I'd question him constantly and I would begin to doubt myself, doubt what's real and what's not. And soon I would be paralyzed into complacency, afraid/unwilling to break the cycle....to leave.

I wish you the best - the strength to either leave or the strength to do whatever needs to be done within the relationship (I emphasize here that I'm not advising either way; everyone is different in their perceptions, strengths, weaknesses, circumstances. I'm not you and because I'm not, I can't every fully, completely, 100% understand the intricacies of your relationship.) I just am hoping for you the strength to do whatever it needs to be done.

Good luck with whatever course you take.

Edited to Add: I made an assumption that compulsive lying is a "personality disorder" as I'm almost sure it's not considered a "mental illness." Anyone who knows different, please feel free to correct me.

[MissyChrissy]

He'll stop lying to you when you stop letting him. Meaning, you have to leave. IF he wants you back bad enough, then that will motivate him to get the help he needs. If he moves on...well, he wasn't really worth it anyway & he'll continue his lies and deceit with his next victim.

(((HUGS))) I'm sorry. I can't imagine how awful it is...I thought about it-and I admit it would make me miserable and crazy. I hope you find a resolution that leads YOU to happiness-but you have to know the difference between being in love with someone, and being in love with the idea of what you would like them to be.

[Das]

If that's a habit of his -you'll need to accept it or
leave him! I hate lying too.I couldn't be with someone
that lies constantly.

[TinaLynnLove]

wow. That's tough. Lying is a big problem especially when you love someone. I mean honesty is like the foundation for trust. You know some people actually need professional help with that cause they actually start believing their own lies. There's going to come a time when you being fed up with him lying is going to be greater than your patience for wanting to hang in there with him (if you're not at that stage already). And if he really loves you and wants to do right by you and mend the relationship, he will before it's too late.

[Missingmyangel06]

[quote=MissyChrissy]He'll stop lying to you when you stop letting him. Meaning, you have to leave. IF he wants you back bad enough, then that will motivate him to get the help he needs. If he moves on...well, he wasn't really worth it anyway & he'll continue his lies and deceit with his next victim.


Thats right!! Im in a similar situation, im in a living situation with a guy who I never knew if its a lie or the truth, he seems to change up his stories all the time about things, hes never cheated on me and that part i can trust. If the lying about little things and pretty much all things that drive me crazy! so i completely know what you're going through. Right now he lies about one big thing, jobs, he does security at a temp place and he makes up excuses about not calling and saying they always say theres no work. When i know of people who work there and they always have something, it drives me crazy because we need to pay bills!