[TLA]

I have been with my partner for 4 1/2 years. When we first met I was not attracted to him. He's several years younger than I am so I never even considered him as a potential partner. Over time though, we became very close and eventually some sparks ignited and we became intimate partners. The sparks were there for the first couple months of our relationship but then dimmed significantly, leaving me with little desire for my partner. My partner is a kind, compassionate, and very loving man. We are very close and very affectionate consistently (lots of hugging, holding hands, cuddling, but not a lot of kissing, foreplay, or sex). He always wants to take the affection further but doesn't push me to have sex when I don't want to. More often than not, when we do have sex it's because I feel badly about our situation and badly for him. I rarely enjoy it and it's often painful. He, on the other hand, always enjoys it and has a very strong libido.

There are a few things that could be causing this:

1) there was no initial attraction (on my part) when we first met
2) I have thyroid and female hormone problems (I take hormone replacement for thyroid and ovaries and have even tried low-dose testosterone which has not helped)
3) he's a kind, sensitive man which makes me feel safe but not sexy

We are both aligned in our values and our vision for the future. We really enjoy each other's company. He says he's ok moving forward, with marriage and children, with the situation. At times I also feel good about moving forward but at other times, I get concerned that this issue will cause future problems.

I notice that my attraction for my partner can increase or decrease based on what he's wearing, how his hair looks, what he's engaging in in his free time (e.g. too much TV is a turn-off). It concerns me that my attraction is linked to such superficial matters.

I was married once before and was very attracted to my partner. The marriage did not go well. He violated trust in a big way.

I think my partner and I have all the important stuff except for the chemistry. I think we can have a mutually satisfying relationship but I'm still scared to move forward. I do find other men attractive but am wise enough to know that chemistry isn't everything. Even if find someone who I'm physically attracted to, I'm concerned that my hormones are playing a big role in all this, i.e. that I may find myself not desiring sex no matter who I'm with.

Without physical attraction and a good sex life are we doomed?

(We have started to see a counselor for this. Hopefully this will help.)

[luvsummer]

I was really hoping there would be replies to this as I am going through the same thing. I have really low libido, even though my husband is treats me like a queen and everything else is there. I wish you the best of luck. Let me know how the counselor thing shakes out.

[jkvkdailey]

I'm sorry to hear this, but actually a bit relieved as well. I also have no desire for sex - with my husband or with anyone else. My husband can be quite unattractive at times - both physically and emotionally, but I thought the problems were just with me. We are compatible as partners and I have no desire to break up, but I also give in to sex because I feel bad.

I wish I could give you answers, but unfortunately I don't have any. I have chosen to remain in my relationship because we have been married for 12 years and we have 2 young boys together. My husband is not abusive or untrustworthy, so I feel there are worse things in life than to be stuck with a low sex drive. Quite honestly, I have looked at other men and wondered if I'm sexually attracted to them - so far I haven't been. So I take that as a sign that I'm not a "sexual" being at this point in my life.

Hope this makes sense, and maybe gives you some comfort. If I were you I may just see how things are as-is and not get married yet.

Kim

[whiteberry]

I have read this article before... just want to share it with you... hope this one could help

***one question, have you imagined yourself having sex with other guy? if yes, maybe "low attraction" is the reason.

Problems with sex drive are to be expected if you are not enjoying sex - or do not get enough arousal to become orgasmic. Why should you want something that is not particularly enjoyable!
Thus, if you are finding yourself not particularly excited by the sex that you are having with yourself or the sex that you and your partner are having, consider yourself normal for having a low sex drive. As you learn new ways to enhance your sexual pleasuring techniques, your sex drive, almost by default will increase.
If you are having trouble exciting yourself during masturbation, try using toys:


-lubrication: lubrication will help increase the pleasurable sensations by decreasing the friction often caused by sticky hands

-dildos and / or vibrators : dildos and vibrators can be used for solo-intercourse. They can be used alone, or you combine them with manual stimulation. Furthermore, some dildos are designed to stimulate your g-spot, others will tickle your clitoris while penetrating you.

-pillows: squeezing your inner thighs around a pillow will enhance the sensations of masturbation – no explanation is purposely given to explain this sensation. This is something you simply will need to take our word for.

-fast PC contractions: fast PC contractions causes you to feel an extra level of stimulation

-water: let water drip from the water faucet onto your genitals and masturbate. This added sensation is completely outside of your control and may just add enough umph to make it more exciting for you.

-books: sexy books helps set the mood, not to mention candles and soft music.


If you have no idea what turns you on, try having Mindful Sex

[Tessyla1]

Hi, I am dating someone and it is starting to bother me that when he smiles all you can see is his upper gums instead of his teeth. It isn't attractive. When we made love he used tec terms to refer to my privates and I felt like I was making love to a doctor. I didn't find that attractive either so I told him so. We are going to have a baby so I am really struggling inside on weather I should marry him or not based on my new current neg feelings. Otherwise he will make a good dad and husband.
I refered him to a site on how to be a masterful lover. David Shade is the man who wrote the book and I believe that he is most every womans dream. If you husband passionately makes love to you treating you respectfully out of the bed room and like his little loving **** who he pleases in the bedroom your attraction for him may come back. He should be giving you tons of great orgasims or he isn't doing his job.