[seatides]

Maybe it's because I was one parent with one child, but for me it was always a bit of a challenge to maintain my authoritative role as the parent when I often felt like a friend/companion to my only child. (Just so I'm clear about this, I was NOT trying to be my son's "friend.") This doesn't happen much now that he's almost 16 and not too interested in hanging with Mom; but when he was younger, it did.

It wasn't that my son didn't have friends; he did. And I did too. But since it was just the two of us, I think our relationship developed into a more "relaxed" one than it would have in a "traditional" home where parents and kids' roles are more clearly separate. Anyway, as a result, I think we're closer than we would have been otherwise.

Does anyone understand what I'm talking about? (.) Am I making any sense? This isn't bad, is it? Well, actually, I think I can answer that one: I think it did make it harder for me to enforce rules and structure in our little household.

Any thoughts? Thanks.

[beth]

Originally Posted by seatides

Maybe it's because I was one parent with one child, but for me it was always a bit of a challenge to maintain my authoritative role as the parent when I often felt like a friend/companion to my only child. (Just so I'm clear about this, I was NOT trying to be my son's "friend.") This doesn't happen much now that he's almost 16 and not too interested in hanging with Mom; but when he was younger, it did.

It wasn't that my son didn't have friends; he did. And I did too. But since it was just the two of us, I think our relationship developed into a more "relaxed" one than it would have in a "traditional" home where parents and kids' roles are more clearly separate. Anyway, as a result, I think we're closer than we would have been otherwise.

Does anyone understand what I'm talking about? (.) Am I making any sense? This isn't bad, is it? Well, actually, I think I can answer that one: I think it did make it harder for me to enforce rules and structure in our little household.

Any thoughts? Thanks.

Fran,
I understand completely what you are saying! It's like an exclusive club with two members. And it is a situation that is potentially unhealthy, probably more so between mother-son combinations than mother-daughters. But the fact that you recognize this and are aware of it, means that there are unlikely to be too many problems. I wouldn't worry about it, but the rule enforcing must have been difficult and you slide from parent to friend and back again. All parents have this problem to some degree, your situation just amplifies it, but sounds like you did good!

[mcmama]

Fran I recognize what you are talking about, as the child of a widow, and as a divorced mom myself.

When I was a kid, we had lost so much when my dad died, that my brother and I really didn't "rebel" as teens, we didn't look for our independence until we were adults and it really came as a shock to her. (Things like not coming home for spring break, becoming sexually active, etc) But kids rebel against the parent who it is safe to rebel against - when you experience the death of a parent or the abrupt departure it is not safe to rebel. So you don't, and things are cozy until you really must grow up. It can be very relaxed as authority goes.

The difficult thing was that it was too safe for my brother. He began to assert himself as "man of the family" and mom was "his girl", and this joking around made it hard for him to acknowledge that he was gay and was the start of his double life. (I knew he was different even when he was little and our dad was still around. This isn't about moms getting too close and making you gay) He never was able to move on after my mom died when he was 24. Prior to that he failed at college and at jobs, although he had every advantage and was plenty smart.

The odd thing is that I maintain contact with many of my mom's friends, but have lost contact with their sons and daughters! I guess it is an affirmation of that cozy circle. But they were the ones who supported me when my brother dissappeared and later died from HIV.

This isn't to scare you - I think a lot of children of widows go through the not rebelling thing. It is important that the relationship remain honest, and as the adult, it may be your job to give him a push if he gets too comfortable and seems to not be making his way competently into the adult world.

[seatides]

This isn't to scare you - I think a lot of children of widows go through the not rebelling thing. It is important that the relationship remain honest, and as the adult, it may be your job to give him a push if he gets too comfortable and seems to not be making his way competently into the adult world.[/quote]

This does scare me a little bit because I can see that this could happen if I'm not careful. Actually I do appreciate the "heads up"! Thanks for sharing this, Janet.

[seatides]

I wouldn't worry about it, but the rule enforcing must have been difficult and you slide from parent to friend and back again. All parents have this problem to some degree, your situation just amplifies it, but sounds like you did good![/quote]

Thanks, Beth. Well, I'm not going to count my chickens before they hatch quite yet; I think it remains to be seen how well I've done. I appreciate the encouragement, though!