[celestialtones]

Early this week, while on the computer, I checked the history and discovered a few sites that shouldn't be there. After more investigation, I discovered that my
husband has signed up for PAID subscriptions to singles sites and has posted a profile on 3 sites. To his credit, he did state in the profile that he is married.
Naturally, I confronted him about this discovery and demanded to know the passwords to these sites. He gave me A password which I promptly discovered didn't work. Later, while he slept, I did some snooping and found he had actually written the passwords down *stupid man* (no, I'd never call him that to his face. This is only an expression muttered under my breath). So, using the passwords, I felt the need to go to the sites, print out the emails, cancel the subscriptions, and delete
the account.
Judging from the content of the emails, he hasn't done anything more than introducing himself over the computer. There are no meeting arrangements or anything like that.
He must have known he would be caught as he used OUR checking account to pay for these subscriptions. Either, he knew I'd be on to him soon OR he's a very stupid man.
This is the first time during our marriage that this issue has raised it's ugly head. Trust has never been a problem between us until now. I feel that he's
subconciously "crying out" for some much needed attention.
I have suggested that we see a marriage counselor but he refuses saying that we can handle this on our own.
Divorce at this point is not an option. This is the 2nd marriage for both of us and I'm staying put. The ultimate decision will be up to him. I have contacted my pastor and discussed this with him as well. Suggestions?

[Alejandros Mommy]

"stupid man"?

Sounds like your Dh could be crying out for attention. I hope you don't call him that in real life.

I would suggest going to a counselor yourself, (even if your Dh won't go), so you can resolve the issues that you are feeling. I would also sit down with your husband and have a long talk. Though he may be "crying out" it is unacceptable for him to be seeking out anyone while he is married. It is going to take a lot to earn that trust back. Both of you have to work out the reason behind it. He may be unhappy with the way things are....but he needs to stop going on-line to dating sites. He is married after all.

[oweirdo]

I agree with Lessly, although as far as you know he has made no plans, he knew he would get caught. There is an issue there that needs to be talked about and worked out.

[celestialtones]

No, I would never call him names to his face. In this case, it was an expression muttered under my breath.
Usually, I do try to be supportive of him and build him up by paying compliments etc. In my eyes, he's an attractive fella, I love to watch him when he's working in the yard or something and I do tell him so.
He has been under a lot of stress at work lately, and my housekeeping etc has been lacking. We have 4 children under our roof and they all are in need of something or another. I'm pretty sure I'm partly to blame in that I know I've put our relationship on the back burner for a few months while dealing with the kids.
In November, we celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary by taking a 4 day cruise. I'm wondering now if that just wasn't enough. I've also been trying to lose weight and prepare my body for a backpacking trip in July. Now, I'm wondering "Why bother?".
I'm so confused right now.

[purelegance]

it doesn't seem like he was trying to hide anything from you. if he was trying to hide he certainly wouldn't have left it in the history, used your checking account OR written the passwords. he even stated on these sites that he is married & was simply introducing himself. this is the age of technology & it's nice to connect with different people from all over the world. (i.e. this site). now granted he could've gone to many many other sites that aren't dating sites, however you don't see "families.com" advertise on tv like you do, eharmony or match.com. try talking about it with DH, and listen to him with an open mind. GL

[oweirdo]

I guess you have a point...I have never visited one of those and dont want to either, but I have made lots of friends on forums like this. Maybe he just wanted some friendship, does he have many friends he can go out with? Maybe just a few guys from work to have a drink with?

[mcmama]

nah. Men don't PAY for subscriptions to singles sites unless they want something for it. Now, that might just be cybercompany, but it's not in the realm of meeting a few guys for drinks after work (unless he's of the same orientation as MY ex)

Even if he did nothing really, he shouldn't be going to singles sites. He's married. That's enough.

Pastors are seeing more of this online addiction/sex talk/hook up kind of thing and people don't think it means anything, but it does. Talk to your pastor about it, and get to the heart of the matter in the relationship. I really doubt that gaining weight after 4 kids and keeping a messy house is the problem - lots of people have those issues and the husband does not do this sort of stuff.

[MissyChrissy]

I agree with going to counseling even if he doesn't go. Perhaps in the future he will join you.

[mrslauren]

Although I do agree that this may be a "cry for help," maybe for attention or something different to happen in your marriage, you should not blow this off.

Instead, sit down with him, and ask him why he is doing this? Hear him out, maybe he is bored, and the two of you need to come up with ways to "spice things up." I would not recommend bringing someone into the marriage for sexual need, because this will cause a major problem; I have a friend this is happening to, and its destroying her trust in the marriage.

Come up with differen't ways to spice things up though, because its very easy to get into the monotinay (sp?) of everyday life. Maybe that is what your marriage needs.

[etali]

It does sound odd that he paid to join the sites using a card you'd see the statements for. I don't think he'd have done that without thinking... so either he thought he was doing nothing wrong, or he was crying out for attention.

I do think that counselling may be a good idea - to find out what he feels has 'gone wrong', and work out between you what could make things better. If he won't do counselling - is he willing to really talk it out?