Marriage in cases of Women older then men.
OK I really feel like a fish out of water here, but I (we both) got ambushed by a rather unexpected situation.
We hit it off very well almost immediately, but neither of us was really looking for a relationship, but neither of us has ever met another person that we clicked with so well. The problem (or maybe not) she's 12 years older than I am. We realize this could present special problems.
To make a long story short, I recently finished a rotation as crew on a cruise liner and was looking to get my legs on dry land for a bit. The Maine Island community I landed in is rather small and I immediately started looking for a place to rent. I wanted short term as I might go back to sea in a few months. Well one of the adds was from a woman looking for a roomy, male or female. I landed in town in a bad time for rentals so I was looking for anything. Well I called and we hit it off. I didn't know what her age was, but she sounded more mature. By some remarkable coincidence, before we mentioned it or got to know each other better, we found out we were both attending the same small community church (Surprised!). I was thinking she was going to think I was a stalker, but apparently my "spiritual maturity" (I consider myself the least of all) convinced her I was the real deal.
Anyway I wasn't looking for a relationship. I had just crashed and burned in my first and only attempt at a relationship and was determined to give it some time. Being in the cruise industry presents special challenges: If you're 40 and not married, then it's assumed you're a playboy, (which isn't particularly a turn off for many of the women in the industry, - where it can be "I need somebody to sleep with for a couple weeks, then it's off, OK?") or you're gay and you start to get all kinds of passes. I'm neither a playboy nor gay and so I took to wearing a gold wedding band just as a decoy/camouflage, -it really helped!
Now why am I 40 and just having crashed and burned in a first and only relationship that only lasted 3 years? A good and fair question. I was disabled from a paralyzing anxiety disorder which:
A. Kept me safely off the dating market for 20 years.
B. Being untreated was the main contributor in my failed relationship (Once I got the nerve up to actually take that risk).
C. Which has been a major hurtle as well to career success which also contributed point 'B'.
After the crash and burn I finally managed to start treatment for this disability. This has really helped me begin to reclaim the life I've been losing.
Anyway here I find myself hitting it off very well with a wonderful woman. I'm going to call her Nancy here. Interestingly she suffers from the same disability as I do. (?!) At first thought I began to think this would be a liability,since avoidence and apparent insensitivity (at least in my case) are common symptoms. Oddly enough, it's one of the large reasons we hit it off so well. We almost have a psychic connection. We literally call each other just when the other one was getting ready to call (I've even had the phone in my hand ready to dial) -and we only call each other 1 or 2 times per week (!). The other thing is that we understand each other's thought processes very well. i.e. I know what kind of circumstances will set off her anxiety disorder and am able to respond accordingly as well as not misread her in the ways that people that don't have this affliction often do. i.e. knowing that avoidance behaviours aren't due to rudeness or insensitivity, but panic attacks, etc.
That's not the only area that we hit it off. We're both outdoorsy, health conscious people. We enjoy kayaking, camping, cycling, etc. She like cats and dogs (in that order) and I like horses, dogs and cats (in that order). We both like to travel. The similarities go on and on. We actually decided not to become roommates because of the likelihood of getting an already confusing situation that much more confusing, -and the fact that we're both somewhat old fashioned and believe in maintaining certain appearances, -how un-PC!
Now on critical points:
1. Children.
A. She would be on her second marriage (if this happened). She didn't have children since she had an extremely rough childhood (a contributing factor to the anxiety disorder) and more importantly her father had Huntington's. She avoided getting tested until she was 40 (negative). She's past normal childbearing years, though medical miracles do happen, -we haven't had this part of the conversation yet, we still spend time disqualifying why we should pursue a deeper relationship as it is.
B. I would be on my second relationship. I consider myself a bad candidate for fatherhood because of my abusive childhood, -though I'm assured by many that I'd make a wonderful father because of the re pore I have with children, including my 4 year old niece. Children aren't important enough to me to make or break a relationship at this time and having teenagers when I'm 70 isn't particularly appealing. I also believe that should I feel the need to have children, I can help others in this world more by adopting, rather than procreating, -no offense intended toward those that choose to procreate.
Finances.
A. She's currently disabled and subsists primarily on her benefits + some income from her art.
B. I'm on temporary disability benefits, subsist on my photography (editorial), but have recently landed a great job with great benefits (If I can keep it without my disability getting in the way and sabotaging it, -hopefully treatment will help) Due to my disability, I was completely unable to benefit from my college education, and remained semi career-less and homeless for 25 years. My student loans are in a state of default which I'm struggling to correct. The monthly payments are as much as I pay in rent.
After all of that, the biggest hurtle is our age difference; Nancy is 52. My last relationship, the woman (Call her Virginia) was 5 years older, and always seemed to create an imaginary generation gap, (which also came between us). I couldn't see this gap as both of our parents were born during the depression and our fathers Korean War vets. Virginia and I both liked the same music, food, movies, etc. She was actually more computer literate than me, but because her siblings were all born in the "Baby-boom" she considers herself baby-boom though she was born in transition years. Funny, but much of what seemed to spark this "generation gap" was my near complete ignorance of '70's & '80's American Culture of which I missed out on because I was overseas.
I was the eldest in a family with more old fashioned values. We were all "Generation X" by default but had Baby boom values. I still swear this generation gap that Virginia saw was more in her head than reality. Nancy on the otherhand doesn't seem to see as much of a gap. I'm somewhat of a historian and can talk endlessly about events that occurred years before my birth with people that actually witnessed them. In college I'd start conversations about historical events and fellow students would say, "I don't know, I wasn't there."
Anyway, so far, a generation gap hasn't come into play between Nancy and me where I would much more expect it. We like all of the same music (from jazz to classical to Cuban (!?) and she even envies my Alfred Hitchcock movie collection (Collected long before we met) and wants to borrow it all of the time.
Funny, though we're both very open about our feeling, -we both felt a mutual attraction from the moment we met, we spend a lot of our conversations trying to talk each other out of a relationship. I didn't know she was 12 years older until our "debrief/feedback" a week later. She was also very surprised to find out how old I was, -She had assumed much younger. We both confess that we're horribly confused. She keeps telling me I'm young and good looking and should consider a younger woman that could possibly bear children and that marrying a woman even 15 years younger (like her brother did) wouldn't be that bad. I keep telling her that I had all but put having children behind me. This we tell each other all the while telling each other that if we romanticize our relationship, that we're going to take it one step at a time.
I consider her friendship more important to me than the risk of becoming a "couple" only to break it off. We both express this sentiment adamently (?!). I know that going back to just being friends is a difficult almost impossible road.
Now for the final straw: At exactly the time we first started chatting on the phone, an old flame came up to visit from Alabama. They'd been chatting for almost a year and now that he came to town he proposed marriage. The whole while he was in town I didn't call as to avoid confusing the relationship. (Though deep down I was somewhat jelous.) Nancy's heart was melted simply because he told her he still loved her (According to what she told me, while confessing the confusion of our own relationship) after 12 years of separation. He's 4 years younger and has a past of womanizing/controlling. He's been married and divorced since they were a couple and was caught as recently as a little over a year ago dating multiple woman without the other's knowledge. My stepfather was a womanizer and I remain quite convinced that men like these don't just suddenly stop womanizing.
While trying to be objective and separate myself as much as possible for my feelings for Nancy I told her I really don't think this guy (call him Ted) is right for her (I hope I'm being honest) and not just to take my word for it, but to talk to the other women she's talked to about Ted, our pastor at church, and even the pastor at his church. What's more is Nancy really likes our little island in Maine and this lifestyle. And Ted wants her to move back to Alabama, -a place she hates ???!!! I don't get it. And Nancy confesses to me she doesn't trust him ???!!! but is going back to Alabama to see if she can trust him (And to visit her mother).
I've really wanted to avoid manipulating her, so though I've expressed my opinion, I won't twist her arm to keep her from going. I'll just pray that she finds the wisdom to know the truth about Ted no matter what that is (Positive or Negative). I've told Nancy that no subject is off limits between us. She asked "Even Ted?" and I said "Even Ted." Also, to avoid manipulating her, I haven't used "I love you" in any of our conversations, though I'd gladly use it if we officially became a couple. However today I told her that I decided to stop talking her out of going down to see Ted and would just try to encourage her to keep her eyes open and to rely heavily on the opinion of friends and family. I told her I was following the principal that if I loved something, I was going to let it go, if it was truly mine, it would return.
By the way, a couple weeks ago we were signing off the phone and I though she said "I love you!" just when I hanged up. I asked her a few days later what she had said and she told me she couldn't remember. She may have said it out of habit and sleepiness, much the way I caught myself almost saying today.
Anyway, is Nancy too old for me, am I just being too silly or modest and should I turn the heat up and strir the pot a little to prevent losing her for good?
-Nemo
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