[justaguy]

Forgive me for posting here, but I am looking for advice, help or understanding in an attempt to save my marriage.
disclaimer: I am an athiest, but not what I call a nazi-athiest. I became an atheist in my teens, and for me its just right. Its not right for others, and I have no problem with any other religion. To me religion or lack thereof, is a personal choice, and I am not foolish enough to think what is right for me, is right for everyone.
I've been married close to a year, my wife who was formerly a pagan (wiccan/witch etc) has chosen to convert to Islam. The conversion does not both me in the least, if she has decided that Islam is the choice for her, then great. My problem is that she now wants to wear the head scarf, or hijab i think it is called, because she claims islam requires it.
This is a problem for me. I love my wife, I think she is absolutely breathtaking and beautiful. If I could have created a life-long soul mate, it would be her. I love her personality, her intelligence, her beauty, she really is everything I could ever want. However; I don't want her to wear the hijab. Both of us are born and raised in america, and I suppose that factors in, to the fact that I want at least an american looking wife. She doesn't have to wear short skirts, or short shorts, but I want her to still be physically attractive to me.
Please don't be offended when I say, that wearing the hijab, will make her physically unattractive to me. I didn't grow up around people wearing hijabs, so for me it takes away from her beauty. I can understand her need to wear a hijab while praying or going to the mosque, and I support her to that endeaver, but in daily life, I don't see why she needs to wear one.
Now, lost in all of this, is that our marriage could end over "just a headscarf". To her she is required to wear it because of her faith. To me, it will make her unattractive, and I know it will slowly but surely tear me away from her.
I guess I'm just looking for advice, knowledge, chew me out if you want to, but I'm trying to gain an understanding. I don't want to lose the woman i committed my life to over this.

[Muslim Mom]

All this commentary is based on the assumption that she is wearing hijab outside of the home (unless praying of course) and while at home with you she is as she has always dressed.
Why would you care what she wears while out of the house, or in the company of men not related to her? Are you saying you aren't attracted to her physically while she's grocery shopping or washing the car? Why would you need to be? Are all your sexual feelings tied up with your vision of her say, picking up the kids from school?
Maybe you ought to rethink what you're saying here. Is it possible you're more concerned with how people are going to perceive you while together? Hmm, do you worry people will assume that you are faithful follower of Islam? For an atheist that may be a big problem. Or is it that she is only physically attractive to you if she is attractive to other men? That's something we Muslims don't subscribe to, and if you think about it, it's not being very respectful of your wife. We Muslim women who wear hijab take pride in keeping our beauty safe from the eyes of strange men, and saved especially for our husbands. What's unsexy about that? Unless one is a pimp! (I'm not saying that you are a pimp, please don't take that the wrong way.)

Frankly, most Muslim men who don't want their wives or daughters to cover have one of these reasons:
1. fear. They worry the women may be harassed or bothered in America where it isn't easy being Muslim these days.
2. Shame. Shame for themselves, their wives are more willing to show their devotion to God than they the Muslim man is willing to do. They are reminded daily that the wife is more in touch with God than he is and it makes him feel uncomfortable.
3. Cultural baggage. Back home (in whatever country he's from) only "religious" women wore hijab, or only "backward" women wore hijab--the educated class is too smart to cover...

Really, if you love your wife, take care with this and many other issues. There strong opinions of Islamic scholars who say she shouldn't even remain with you, if you are as strongly atheistic as you say you are. There are other opinions that she should stay with you (especially if you have children) unless or until it is obvious and clear you would never become a God fearing person. So, while you think you may leave her because she wants to cover her hair, she may be thinking you aren't worth it.

Sorry to be harsh, but really, read your message again. How sad that you think all your wife's attractiveness in tied up with her hair. Chances are, one day you'll lose all yours anyway, should she leave you then?

[aliyyah]

I would like some advice please, myself was born a catholic but left my faith through findings of wrong by the catholic church etc......i met and fell in love with a Muslim man, he was wonderful at the time we had a great relationship, he never asked me to become muslim or change my faith, in time i studied Islam and its teachings.......asked lots of questions etc.....and i decided i would gear myself towards reverting to Islam for myself.....
My story is a sad one, during our relationship my man never would discuss marriage....he always told me he would never marry because he would be required to marry a native to his country or an arranged marriage by his family and that they would not accept any one he would choose . Some time passed, years actually and i became pregnant..........it was a difficult time, because of my origional faith and my own morals,, i was unable to terminate the pregnancy and gave birth to a beautiful baby boy, my man was angry.....i coulnt believe it...our relationship changed so much, we seperated
i was raising m y son alone and was very sad and depressed and scared about what the future would hold for me, occasionally i would get a telephone call from him but he did n ot want to see the child..
as the calls came more frequently, i felt it was time to talk about it face to face.i asked h im if he would allow me to come to his home to talk.....he agreed
of course i brought the child with me, and his first reaction was smily face, picked him in his arms and tears in his eyes, he said.....i dont know what to do, but i want my child,i love my child,my child is my heart my soul.....
at that stage we started our relationship again, complete with our son, and it was happy time, except he choose not to tell his family, a second baby came and we had now 2 boys.....he didnt hide it to the outside world but he did hide from his family.........
however, each time his family came to visit he would ask me to leave and stay with my family as i could not live with him, so this became more and more frequent, i was feeling very disturbed...then one day we had an argument about it, i told him it ws time to tell his family as i did not want to keep disturbing my boys to leave everytime one of them came to visit......
to my horror i found out that while i left, there was another woman comeing to the house and that this other woman had a relationship with him, and she had a child the same age as our second son.......
i dont t hink i will every get over it........
my question is should i forgive h im, i am seperated from him now, but he see s the boys sometimes, lately he has being saying he wants to get married to a muslim woman from his own country but i know he is trying to make me worried so i will say i forgive him and move back, i dont know what to do,
please tell me What does Islam say about this , he still never marry me, but would marry a woman from his own country
this hurts me to the extreme, as i thought he loved those boys, i know he is sorry for what he did, and he doesnt have anything to do with that woman now, i do ask him about the child but he said he doesnt know he is not in contact
any views for me
aliyyah

[Alejandros Mommy]

Hello and welcome to our forum.

Personally I believe that if he has no respect for you or your children then he does not deserve you. You deserve someone who will respect you and will not be ashamed of you. What is this 'man' teaching your children? He is teaching them that it is ok to treat women this way and that they should have no respect for them. If this relationship continues like this your children will eventually have no respect for you.

I can understand that your heart is breaking and that you truly love this man....but you deserve someone better then this.

[QueenAngie]

Welcome to the board!

Am certain that your two sons are the sunshine and joy in your life.

Apparently the boys' father feels it is more important to him and to his family to have the muslim woman from his country be his wife...something that may have been taught to him since he was small from his family & his religion.

I, myself, do not understand it.

I have respect for others religion.

Perhaps you do not understand it either. His way of thinking is different than mine.

You have given him the gifts of two wonderful sons and made his house into a home.

His response to you is to send you back to you mother's whenever he has family visiting,
invite another woman and their child into your house,
and keep you and the boys a secret.

The man has no respect for you at all. He has no respect for your two sons.

Is this how you wish for your sons to be raised too? For they will follow in their father's same pattern.

I am thankful that you have parents closeby to help you through this difficult time.

The man has allready made his choice. It is very clear.

Now, for you to do the very best you can as a mother to those two boys. I can tell you are a good mom! Raise the boys with your parents helping, particularly your Dad (grandpa) so they can learn to love, appreciate, and respect women.

Also, time for him to start paying you child support too.

Let us know how this goes. Wishing you all the best.

[aliyyah]

Thank You for your kind words, my fear is bringing the kids up alone , my heart wants a proper family life for them to grow happy and healthy, but i know in my head he is no good, and how will they feel when they grow up more and start to understand that their father is sumwhat ashamed of them to his family and his own community.......I have been trying my best to bring them up in Islam, i have some very good friends and they keep inviting me to woman and children gatherings to celebrate Eid etc....but because im not a born Muslim i am not sure what im doing,
As for paying child support, he was in the time we were living apart, but now he has stopped saying he cannot afford it, and i know it is really because i rebel against his ways, he uses money against me saying i cannot leave an do it alone, but recently i have been able to get support from the government etc, so im not going to let my children do without, i also was able to get a parttime job (which by the way he went balistic over) but i need to become financially stable.........he sees the kids sometimes but only when he feels like.........they do miss him , and i have had some nights awake with my older son who is 5, waking up crying for his daddy......its breaks my heart.......
My question is should i go to his family and tell all.......or just walk away
Please your response is appreciated
ALiyyah

[mcmama]

Child support is not depending on whether or not you do as he says. Heads up - it is his obligation under law. Are you in the United States?

If you are, get a lawyer, and file for support. This is not his choice. It is his obligation.

[Muslim Mom]

Originally Posted by QueenAngie

Welcome to the board!

Am certain that your two sons are the sunshine and joy in your life.

Apparently the boys' father feels it is more important to him and to his family to have the muslim woman from his country be his wife...something that may have been taught to him since he was small from his family & his religion.

I, myself, do not understand it.

I have respect for others religion.

Perhaps you do not understand it either. His way of thinking is different than mine.

Sadly, there is little participation in this forum by Muslims and I feel it is important to respond whenever I am sent a notice.
Islam does not teach or espouse this behavior, so your comments regarding this man's behavior being part of his religious teachings is absolutely wrong and I hope that if you really respect other religions you will take some time and research what Islam actually is, not what is portrayed in the mainstream media. I'm sure that you can read enough here in this forum to get the big picture.
No one would understand this type of betrayal and mistreatment, however it has nothing to do with the faith, it has everything to do with lack of character and an absolute lack of knowledge regarding Islam.

[Muslim Mom]

Originally Posted by aliyyah

Thank You for your kind words, my fear is bringing the kids up alone , my heart wants a proper family life for them to grow happy and healthy, but i know in my head he is no good, and how will they feel when they grow up more and start to understand that their father is sumwhat ashamed of them to his family and his own community.......I have been trying my best to bring them up in Islam, i have some very good friends and they keep inviting me to woman and children gatherings to celebrate Eid etc....but because im not a born Muslim i am not sure what im doing,
As for paying child support, he was in the time we were living apart, but now he has stopped saying he cannot afford it, and i know it is really because i rebel against his ways, he uses money against me saying i cannot leave an do it alone, but recently i have been able to get support from the government etc, so im not going to let my children do without, i also was able to get a parttime job (which by the way he went balistic over) but i need to become financially stable.........he sees the kids sometimes but only when he feels like.........they do miss him , and i have had some nights awake with my older son who is 5, waking up crying for his daddy......its breaks my heart.......
My question is should i go to his family and tell all.......or just walk away
Please your response is appreciated
ALiyyah

You have been treated like a doormat and will continue to be one until you understand that this guy is the lowest of the low. He probably knows less about Islam than you do, so don't be so intimidated by the fact you converted to Islam.
Frankly, Islam has little or nothing to do with this issue, because he isn't behaving anywhere to close to how a Muslim man should behave.
the advice to get a lawyer, sue him for child support is correct. Go ahead and contact his parents, but don't expect tears and love from them, after all they raised this jerk. If you've never been married to him, get your child support through the courts and get yourself to the mosque and start learning the faith and get active in the community. Get strong enough to value yourself before you let yourself be involved with another man. Forget this idiot, you are young enough to begin a good life for you and your boys and God willing, a good, humble honest Muslim man will come along in the future to help you raise them. But first, get your own act together! Dump this guy, don't let him hurt your children anymore, and keep the grandparents away from the kids, they are toxic.

[aliyyah]

Thank you, yes you are correct, sorry if i was suggesting that his behavour had something to do with Islam, that was not what i meant, or my intention, of course i know it hasnt. ......i have studied some and even a small bit i understand that what he tells me and what is fact are two very different things.......and you are correct in saying he knows less than me.....this is true, i for one could never hurt anyone, and i know that he would hurt everyone to get what he wants, even his own flesh and blood his sons........so yes your advice i have taken, on Monday i am meeting with a lawyer, i live in Ireland by the way, so yes the same rules of the state are considered......men must support their children financially if not physicially, its the law and some can be sent to prision if they default......also here in the law is stated
'its not a Fathers right to see his child, its a child's right to see his Father'

i suppose its a scary step to take, but i have made the appointment...
Thank you for your help
ALiyyah