[Theman84]

This may sound a little confusing, but for the religious people out there, they will understand and be able to help.

Sorry, but if you're anti/non-religious, you're in the wrong thread

My fiancee and I were questioning whether or not we could be married by the word, but not by law. We're not able to hold ourselves financially or just plain in the eyes of the law, and we want to keep it a little "secret" so to speak until our families decide that we're doing the right thing.

We've been together for years, and I know I'm being judgmental, but I want real answers, not any of the stereotypical "don't do it," "you're too young," crap. We're 18, biblical times say we're married already, and law says at 18 we're good. So please help. Thanks!

Also, how could we go about doing it?

[MiaCamille]

sorry if this is a dumb question but what is married by word?

[Theman84]

word of God, bible, Christianity

[MiaCamille]

ok have you seen with your church to see what they can do if anything?

[deedee1231]

A marriage is a legal contract between two people. A marriage is not a "secret" between two people. That sounds like playing house. Pretending to be in love and wanting to spend your lives together. Have a family. Until it gets too hard. Then you have a way out, because it was only a secret, it was never legally binding, and it was never real.
Some marriages are secular, non religious, performed by a judge or a justice of the peace, or even a ship's captain. These are legally binding contracts.

Some marriages are conducted in churches or other places of religion by religious clergymen. These too, are legally binding contracts. My husband and I were married by the pastor of our church, but he filed the marriage lisence and the marriage is a marriage by law, not just by his word or by some private agreement between the my husband and I. That is not how marriage works, even religious marriage.

It seems to me that if two people are serious about getting married, and spending their lives together, they will get married in a legally binding ceremony. A justice of the peace wedding is not expensive. My mother married my stepfather at the county courthouse, it cost $35 for the lisense and $50 for the jp's services. She invited her children and their spouses, you do not have to invite anyone if you do not choose to, but you must have 2 people to witness the marriage.

If you want to be married at minimal expense, this is what you will do. If you want your family's blesings, and a religious connotation to your wedding, you will work hard to prove that you are an adult who knows what is best for you and your fiance, and wait until they have been convinced before being married in church. Either way, you should not agree to be married "by spoken word" but not by legal documentation because that makes no sense in our society and provides no legal protection for you or your fiance.

[Theman84]

Thanks for your input, however two points.

Looked into it, and at least here in California, only one witness is required.

For two, read up on history. Marriage is a biblical and a customs thing, not legal.

Anyone else have any better input, as I did state not to add in "you're not doing it right," or "too young?"

[twinzplus3]

Can I challenge you on your Biblical interpretation there for a minute? Because you can't really take one part of the Bible and not its entirity--true? Marriage in Biblical times is not a good application here as most marriages were arranged and there were economic committments paid by one family to another. Besides that a man wouldn't marry until he was much older. . .had a trade and earned a living. A woman may well marry younger. . .so that analogy really doesn't work.

Biblically, you have consumated a marriage relationship once you have sex. There's nothing stopping you from doing that per se. . .and if that's what you want to do why then by all means go get married.

That is technically being married by the word. There is not a Christian pastor that is in his right mind that will "marry" you but keep it a secret. The point of a legal marriage ceremony is to publicly declare your committment to one another. This is true Biblically as well. Marriage is a legally binding agreement, as pp pointed out, but Biblically is a covenental relationship. In a covenent you always give a public sign as a means of declaring your part of the covenenant. No such things as Biblical 'secret' covenants that have no public sign to them.

Why are you wanting to avoid the public ceremony? Is it because your parents don't approve or another reason. If your parents approve. . .then just get legally married but have a small and modest ceremony.

[twinzplus3]

Yes--marriage in Biblical times was a business proposition and certainly legal. . .and a legally binding contract. It's right there in the law. . .if it wasn't legally binding why were the men allowed to "give the woman her papers" under certain circumstances? (Answer: because it was legally binding. . .)

These days, being legally and officially married has numerous tax benefits to it.

[Theman84]

Twinzplus, Thank you for your response! Very helpful.

We didn't want to do it legally just yet because we're settling into careers and saving up everything for a place to live, which will be soon. Also, her father is a pastor so it's quite hard getting him convinced, this could be a backbone.

Also, my mother had me at 15 so she's EXTREMELY protective over who and when I get married. if she had it her way, I'd be 50 by the time she'd let me go off.

[deedee1231]

Originally Posted by Theman84

Thanks for your input, however two points.

Looked into it, and at least here in California, only one witness is required.

For two, read up on history. Marriage is a biblical and a customs thing, not legal.

Anyone else have any better input, as I did state not to add in "you're not doing it right," or "too young?"

Yes, well, different states have different laws, here it is two witnesses.

Historically, marriages were economic by nature. In medieval times marriages consited of dotal regimes--meaning dowries were exchanged. Daughters and sons alike were married off to other families because it was economically beneficial for both families. The idea of romantic love as a reason for marriage is actually a very recent one.

Furthermore, I was your age when I married my husband. I am not saying you are too young, but I am questioning your motives. If you truly want to marry your fiance, you should do so. But you have to do it legally or it isn't a marriage. It is a game.