[MarkS49675]

Hi,

Big troubles here...My wife and I have been married for 12 years and we have 1 daughter (4 y/o). I am from New Jersey and she was from Florida. We were living in Florida up to about 8 years ago when my wife got tired of me being layed off and SHE made the decision to move us up to New Jersey (where jobs were more plentiful). In New Jersey, we are both doing great financially and the three of us have plenty of friends and a great life.

The only trouble is that my in-laws have been visiting way too much for my taste (like 14 will come at once or like some will stay for an entire summer). THEN...when they all go home, my wife takes our daughter and goes on a plane to go visit them for weeks upon weeks. This year alone, we've spent 6 months visiting or being visited by my in-laws. Every January, my wife makes a big deal about how her father wants all his children around him for his birthday in Florida so we all fly in for that -- spending all the money we saved all year to take a family vacation. Yet, when my birthday rolls around, I spend it without my family because my wife and my daughter choose to spend it in Florida. And now she's turning 40 in a few days (our birthday's are close together) and she's choosing to spend it in Florida with her family. (For the record, I have a corporate job where the longest I can get away is a few days at a time and I do fly down with them but I cannot stay long).

I've talked to her about this and, of course, it's been the cause of many an argument. We have been in counseling for more than a year on this and related issues with no end in sight. I've asked her if she wants to get divorced and she says no. I've asked her if she wants to move to Florida and she says no. I've asked her when are we going to take a family vacation (of three) and she says she doesn't see the need to ever go away just the three of us -- that we should always have family or friends to go with. I've asked her if she loves me and she says "she loves me but is not in love with me -- that I'm just one of the family" (what ever that means). When she's home (between visits), she has a full social schedule and she has my daughter scheduled up so I rarely see her except in the early morning or late at night. She has my daughter believing that I have no parental authority whatsoever (eg., when I ask my daughter to do something like pick up her clothing from the floor, she asks my wife whether she should listen to daddy?). When I flew home from Florida yesterday because I had to work today, my daughter didn't even seem interested in saying goodbye.

I'm really feeling like all that my wife needs me for is to subsidize her lifestyle (she doesn't work outside the home). And her parents and her siblings really seem to me to be very selfish in not allowing us time to be a family of three. My wife claims that she wants our daughter to know her siblings and her grandparents (especially since they won't be around forever) -- fine, I can accept that -- but at the expense of her knowing her own father???

Advice anyone??? I'm really stuck in a marriage where I don't feel like I'm getting anything out of it (no love, no companionship, no sex, etc.). All I'm doing is working and paying bills. What am I doing wrong here??? Am I being unreasonable in my issues????

[QueenAngie]

MarkS, sounds like there is trouble in paradise to me.

It would be a good idea for counseling.

From your side of the story, you are the roommate that is paying all the bills.

Let us know how it goes.

[mcmama]

Wow, mark, we hadn't heard from you for a while. Sorry this is still going on.

Sounds to me like the counseling is at a bit of an impasse - and you need to focus on what it is that you want or can live with. Answering "no" to every alternative is a bit of a stonewall. What does your counselor suggest that you both do to break the impasse?

If you choose to divorce, please get an attorney who specializes in family law. If your wife is this involved with her family of origin in another state, chances are they would help her with attorney representation. The best family law attorneys are not the ones who "get" stuff for you - they are the ones who act in your interest to be certain that a settlement is fair. Sometimes they have to be aggressive to do that, but being aggressive is not the best indicator of a lawyer. With kids and family issues, you would probably mediate an agreement rather than fully litigate one. But you still should have legal representation, if only for reference and questions.

If you don't divorce, then you have to decide what it is you can and cannot live with - and work on this angle in the counseling.

If you come from radically different backgrounds where extended family is up close and personal for her and distant for you, then there is a gap here. What are the responses to your desire to have time to be a family of three at times? Is there any attempt to work with this? What do you both set aside to do this?

[tiredguy]

I am in a similar yet not as severe situation.
I recommend you read Judith Viorst's Grown Up Marriage, especially the chapter on families.
It will give you a sense of comfort and perspective.
Good luck.