[AsMom]

Thanks for all of your input.

[mcmama]

OK so bear with me here. Why are you kicking DH out? The problems are with teen SDs who have been raised by a drunk. And you had a nice life going before all this.

DH has to man up and stick by you, even if it means his teen daughters are not going to think he is their friend.

Go to counseling, all of you. Especially DH. He has to learn to stop passing the buck, and buck up.

[AsMom]

Originally Posted by mcmama

OK so bear with me here. Why are you kicking DH out?

Because apparently all the conversations we had where I expressed my needs and feelings fell on deaf ears and all he is concerned about is finding a "mother figure" who will love his daughters since I can't anymore. As if by adding insult to injury will get me to love his children who disrespect and don't appreciate me.

I don't know if counseling will do it anymore. I'm just so done with it all. Done feeling this way.

[DivasMomma]

Your SD's have been through an awful lot....i went through all the same issues (not as severe, but pretty close) and my mom also kicked me out at 15 for being disrespectful. She couldnt handle me and i couldnt handle living with rules. i hated it. BUT i DID need it...and i thank her now for showing me what a "real" family acts like. Now i have a way to base my own family and the way we live. Not the way i used to, but the way my mother showed me.

They need your guidance, no matter what they say. They are teen (almost teen) girls...they are ALL evil. I coach a group of teen girls 12-15...they are seriously evil with making up stories etc....its jsut the way they all are

[deedee1231]

What a difficult situation for all of you.
You are right, your stepdaughters should definately show respect and obey the rules of your house. But your husband is also right, they need more than material things right now, they need someone to show them love.

Problem is, they haven't had that before so they don't know how to accept it or reciprocate it. They have to learn to do that. Right now it is easier for them to guard their feelings so they don't get hurt again and it is up to you to fight your way through that guard and prove to them that you are not going to leave like their mom did. But you are thinking about leaving. They know that so things get worse.

If you are not up to this, get out now. Don't drag it out because you are only going to make it worse for everyone involved. But if you can find it in your heart to give it another try with these two girls, who are at a turning point right now and NEED someone to prove to them that they are worth fighting for, go to counseling. All of you. ASAP! Try to open up your heart to them and don't give up on them. And know that it is going to be hard. And they are NOT going to appreciate it, at least not at first. But if you can get though to them it will be worth it.

[mcmama]

Originally Posted by AsMom

Because apparently all the conversations we had where I expressed my needs and feelings fell on deaf ears and all he is concerned about is finding a "mother figure" who will love his daughters since I can't anymore. As if by adding insult to injury will get me to love his children who disrespect and don't appreciate me.

I don't know if counseling will do it anymore. I'm just so done with it all. Done feeling this way.

If you haven't tried counseling, do it before you throw in the towel. That is, if he is willing.

A wise woman told me that the opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference. If he is truly indifferent to who you are, and sees you just as a "figure" then you have no marriage.

[JeanLynn81]

You know, you are supposed to be the adult. If you cannot handle this like an adult, I think the family may be better off without you anyways.
They probably don't trust the people in their lives not to walk out on them, or just "give them up" when things get tough. They are at their lowest point in their lives, and you want to kick them when they are down. Yeah, you go ahead and show them that they are right-the adults in their lives are selfish and don't care about them.

I will take the risk of upsetting you, and let you know that your behavior makes me want to vomit.

[fostermommy]

Your post states very little about your relationship with your husband, which I find sad. You are considering ending your marriage, but give no information about your relationship other than his inability to follow through on your parenting demands. You talk about doing things "MY way" but what about the teamwork that goes into a marriage??? Perhaps your husband isn't exactly jumping onto your bandwagon with enthusiasm because he doesn't feel like an equal in the parenting aspect.

Newsflash.............when your dear BD gets to be 12, 13, 14, she too is going to have times when she appears to be disrespectful and unappreciative. She's going to hate the rules that you set forth. She will defy those rules at times. She's going to refer to you as her "evil mom" when she talks with her friends sometimes. That is the tough part of parenting "tweens" and teens. It is normal. What will bring her to regret those bad times and to have an otherwise loving relationship with you - is the fact that she has BONDED with you - from infancy. That bond will pull you both through the hard times. Your stepdaughters...........they never had the chance to bond to anyone. In order to live healthy lives, to possibly avoid mental health issues, they NEED to bond. What will walking out on them accomplish?? It will only rub salt into the deep wound that developed over all those early years. Their birth mother has substance abuse as her poor excuse for abandoning them. What's yours?

I'm sorry that this seems so mean. However, every day I have foster children in my home who were abused, neglected, and rejected. How many of them do you think appreciate me? How many of them are respectful, follow rules, are clean, tidy, etc. None. None. NONE!! Are they brats who deserve to be tossed out? No. They are a product of their environment. They have felt more physical and emotional pain in their short little lives than most of us feel in a lifetime. And they are too young to even make sense of it. If that's even possible.

When you married your husband, you married his family. What would you think of a woman who leaves her husband because he develops incurable cancer? She didn't marry an invalid, why should she have to endure that?! What would you think of a man who leaves his wife because she can't bear children? He wanted a family - not just a wife - should he have to endure that?!

Marriage is for better or for worse. Your husband is sensing your rejection of his children, and is trying to get you to see that. Counseling is certainly needed here - for the health of your marriage and for the mental and physical health of those poor children. I truly hope that you will seek it. In the end, if you leave, at least your husband and his kids will then be hooked up with a professional who can help then to cope with yet another rejection.

[brieanniepannie]

Okay I am not going to say whether what you are doing is "wrong" or "right" but here is my point of view.
#1: teenagers are ingrateful regardless. Now I am making a generalization, but it is part of life. Not saying it is okay, but most teenagers go through a point in life where they are rude and push buttons.
#2: my mom was sick and was addicted to pain killers, my dad was in and out of our lives because of it. I have a step mom now (married in 1997) and it just took me until now, 11 years later, to appreciate what she has done. And this is only after going thru what she went through with me and having my own son.
If you can't handle it, don't. But don't blame it on the kids because of their behavior. It is what it is. They need an adult mother figure in their lives, and they will continue to push buttons until they are 50 years old. That's life.
I acted like a spoiled brat and talked so much crap about my step mom it's not even funny. She talked crap about me, a lot of what you said she said about me. But you know what? I am so thankful I had her in my life.
But think about the reprocussions if you decide to just up and leave their lives forever. Esp. since they are so familiar with you.

[mcmama]

If she's dealing with the evil stepmom thing, and her husband is not treating her as his equal, his partner, his mate - but as "the mother figure for his kids" then the marriage has fundamental flaws. And no amount of work on her part with the step daughters will fix it. It will drain her, and her bio daughter as well. Why be a part of someone else's dysfunctional family when it is on you to fix it, but you are not a wife but a thing obtained to parent his children?

The marital relationship is what is critical here, and that is why I said counseling before giving up if that has not yet been attempted. It might be a real newsflash to DH that his wife is feeling alienated from him, and that he too has to be an active parent in partnership with her. If he himself was raised in a problem household, he may not know what real marriage looks like.

So counseling - yes. Fix the marriage if it can be fixed, and the other problems them can be addressed as a couple. But if the marriage cannot be fixed, then cut the whole mess loose.