[pandanonymous]

Hi all.

My mom has a co-worker who's son has been sick for the past few months. He was in the hospital the first month and my mom would drive her co-worker 2 hours everyday to go and see her son. Now he's out of the hospital and they only go once or twice a week.

I scheduled a follow up doctor's appointment in JULY for October 12th. My mom has known about this appointment since July, but she comes to me on Saturday when she knows that she can't reschedule it and tells me that she can't go because she was to take her co-worker. She called me last night and we got into an arguement because she sees nothing wrong with it, but I completely do. She knows how much more I'd rather have her there. (I have anxiety problems sometimes and I hate needles) She'd rather go through way more trouble of driving her co-worker 2 hours away to spend another 5 hours with her son doing nothing than take me to my appointment that won't even last an hour.

I don't mind that she's NOT going, but it bugs the hell out of me that she's known about my appointment for 3 months and she tells me 2 days in advance that she can't take me and the fact that she'd go through alot more trouble of driving her co-worker around the world. My father even joked that if he was having open heart surgery she'd still rather drive her co-worker than go to see him in the hospital.

I've been pushed aside by my mother my whole life and this definitely doesn't help that "mother daughter" relationship improve over the crap state that it's in now.

[stillparentingafteralltheseyears]

First, I am sorry you are going through this with your mother. Not being a proirity in your mother's life is a difficult and stressful situation. Next, and this will not be easy to do, for your own protection, you need to distance yourself from your mother. You state your mother has pushed you aside your whole life. It is natural for you to want her to want to improve your relationship as much as you want it to improve. Sometimes, and I speak from sad personal experience, one has to accept that the mother-daughter relationship will most likely not ever improve "over the crap state that it's in now". What I have done is to finally take my older siblings advice and have zero expectations from my mother. Then when she does do something (nearly always it is insisting on giving me $ that I have not asked for) it is a plesant surprise. My mother has never gone to a doctor's appointment with me, not even when I was a child when she sent me with my father or older sisters. She had very little interest in my pregnancies or raising of my 2 children except to tell me what a terrible job I was doing (because I actually unconditionally love and care for my children, the horror!!) and to pass out negative judgement on her perception of my inadequate parenting. This went on for years until she and then my father became ill and she needed me to help them. Then I was used for transportation and household help. I tolerated this until my father passed away last year and then finally at 53 y/o stood up to her. She is at nearly 95, still a formidable woman, self-serving and self-involved.

Your situation may be somewhat different, but the bottom line is if you continue to expect your mother to behave in a way she has never behaved and become the mother she never has been, you are setting yourself up for a lot of stress and heartache. She is what she is, will probably never really change, so you must be the one to change for your own protection. Accepting the situation as it is and changing your perception of what your mother is will help you so much. It wii stop the negative cycle of disappointment her behavior causes you.

Your story touched me. My mother has done many similar things. But she will do anything and everything for her "friends", has given them cars, paid bills, given many rides, paid down payments on homes for their children, opened her home to them and has given of herself for them and their families 100 times more than she has for me and my siblings. I understand the hurt her insensitivity causes. Be strong and do what my siblings and I have done, learn from her behavior and be the kind of mother you never had.

[swt1899]

I agree with the previous posting. I would be in your best interest to let it all go. You need to take care of yourself... you are the only one who can do that.

[QueenAngie]

Yes, take good care of yourself. You can go to this appointment and be successful.
Would your father go with you, just wait in the waiting room?

[internetsurf2009]

Hi everyone,

I know this is not the place to introduce myself but I am just looking for my "niche" within this forum.

I have a few questions about this forum (in general) that I would like answered, but first, before I begin, has anyone here heard of http://www.cleanvisit.com It is supposed to help filter pornography, and overall is a very "family-friendly" search engine. I have only been using it for a little while but so far, I like the comfort it gives me to know that my kids are protected.

So far, it is living up to its challenge.

As long as my child stays within the browser and types in his searches through it, nothing bad or obscene ever pops up.

Anyway, as a single parent it is really helpful and I thought that it might be a useful tool.

The website is called http://www.cleanvisit.com

Now, for my questions.
1. Where is the best place to discuss issues facing single parents within this forum? (Sorry, I am terrible when it comes to navigating on the internet) so if someone could just post the link, that would be really helpful.
2. Does anyone else know how to protect their children when you can't always be home to "watch them?"

Well, I look forward to chatting with you all soon.

Have a great day.