[bad_skippy]

I guess it started a few years back...My mom, who has been single since seperating from my dad 7 years ago started seeing this guy (I'll call him FT). I didn't really care much for him, but it's not my life so I put up with him. They dated for a while and she found out that he was married. So she did the decent thing and dumped him. He turned into a creepy stalker. Driving by all the time, calling 57 times in one day, leaving abusive messages...She asked my 26 year old brother to stay with her for a while.
Turns out he and his wife were in the process of getting a divorce. For real. So she took him back. Then he lost his job. Come to find out he was stealing from his work. Moneys started to disappear from her home, and she suspected he had a substance abuse problem. Then she found out he had a piece on the side and dumped him again.
Sadly, my mom's not very relationship savvy and she and the other girlfriend decided that it would be a good idea to mess around with FT( by doing annoying piddly things). That resulted in him pushing her down her basement stairs and me taking her to the ER. She, of course, forgave him. It wasn't his fault, he didn't mean to do it, etc. So now my brother and I hate this guy's guts and when she finally dumps him again we think she's done the smart thing.
And then we find out she's still seeing him on the sly (got a late night phone call from her wanting to pick her up from some god forsaken location cause he's drunk and violent...This happens a few times). He moves in with her and that's where we are now.
We no longer do family things at her house because my bro and I cannot be around this guy without wanting to put him in a pine box, and mom won't ask him to leave so we can do the things we used to together. Bro and I are worried about her safety given this guys history, but she refuses to listen to common sence. Instead insisting on playing little games and making up "tests" that FT continually fails (she still does nothing).
This has been hurting our family for years. She's got herself convinced that sooner or later bro and I will come to accept this mom-beating, lying, drug abusing, cheating, theif and we'll all be one big happy family. Meanwhile she's missing out on seeing her grandbabies ( I don't trust FT around my kids), missing out on the fun we used to have together, and we miss our mom.
Sorry this is so long...I've left a lot out though to make it this short. What do you guys think? How the heck do you get someone to realize that their toxic relationship is hurting their kids and themselves?

[Alejandros Mommy]

You can't..as sad as it is you just can't. When it comes to abusive relationships the only person that can make that choice is the one being abused....I know its hard to hear this...I was raised in a very abusive environment...so I can understand what you are going through....the only thing you can do is be there when your mom needs you. The more you alienate her the more likely he will control her more.

HugZ...I really hop your mom see's him for what he is.

[mcmama]

I am sorry, but you can't get mom to do this. You can only affect your own behavior, and your own decisions.

You have to be open with mom about why your family is not as close as you would like - that your family includes her, but not her good for nothing boyfriend. Invite her to spend time with the grandkids at your house, with you, and without FT. Invite her to birthday parties, graduations, thanksgiving, etc - without FT. Just her. She wants you to come and see her? Fine. Without FT. No surprise just happened to be in the neighborhood visits either. No honey ya gotta bail me out of jail calls either. Her family should insist on an FT less life. What she does on her own time, and the choices she makes, are her business.

Now it is possible that she will choose the good for nothing lout over you nice people and your beautiful wonderful children. And that you cannot control. But if she wants to have a good time with her family, she has to do it without FT.

She either chooses to remain involved with her family in the real world, or she doesn't.

And if FT makes a move on you or your immediate family, do not hesitate to get a restraining order.