[BeaverMom]

I was concerned about my 14 year old's computer usage. She wanted a MySpace page like her friends but of course once she gets it she is meeting people from God knows where, who may or may not be what they say they are.
Anyhow we wanted to allow her some room to grow but wanted to keep an eye on her as well. We purchased a software program called Spector Pro that allows us to see everything she does on her computer without her knowing she is being monitored.
Sure enough she was chatting to men MUCH older than her about all kinds of things that made my jaw drop. We had a talk with her and explained that we had been monitoring her, for her safety, and would be in the future. We finally came to an agreement that she could keep the computer in her room but would agree to our monitoring her.
Her friends, and even some of MY FRIENDS seem to think this is over the top, invasion of privacy etc. What do you think? I am interested in hearing some other opinions.

[vanaden]

Ok at 14 it's an invasion of privacy??? How is that possible? She is not an adult and cannot understand the consequences of her actions and the danger that comes with talking to older men on the computer.
I'm not going to tell you what to do but if it was my daughter I would:
Remove the computer from her personal space and put it where you can watch her on it. If she was responsible enough to use it by herself you wouldn't be posting this today.
Who cares what your "friends" think, she is not their child, she is yours and it's your job to protect and care for her until she can do it on her own. If she throws a teenage tantrum about it take it away all together. Hearing her have a fit is better than her getting pregnant or kidnapped by some disgusting man.

[cougargt]

Good choice of software.

My daughter is 16 and as a concerned father whose line of work is in computers, I monitor, not just for what she says to her friends, but everything she does. I told her point blank, “While you are my responsibility, you have no expectation of privacy for anything. I can check on you anytime, anywhere, any way I want. That means, read your notes, notebook, phone logs, text messages, AIM, email, whatever, show-up at or call a friend’s house and speak to their parents. I can even sit in your bedroom while you talk on the phone. At your age, you shouldn’t be plotting anything that needs that much privacy.” Her friends for the most part are good, but they are starting to get a little too extreme for my liking at 16 years old.
She got a taste of what happens when you betray your parent’s trust once already, the feeling of guilt for lying to us was too much for her, I don’t think she’ll try again.
Parents need to remind their children of the permanent nature of information on the internet. Once it is out there and people get it, you can't take it back. So I watch what she puts on her MySpace and photobucket and anything else she does. I look at her pictures and her text messages and you name it; all in the name of her protection and to teach her responsibility. So monitor away, because when she does do something minor that can open the flood gates to something major, you are at least aware of it. I would never give away how you know, it keeps them guessing and then they can't stop you. She tries to hide her stuff, but I am a professional, what can she possibly do??? She can’t even formulate a lie online about what she is planning to do at a friend’s house, because I can see it. This is why you don’t tell them they are watched, they’ll find another avenue for “secrecy”
So periodically I say, “Hey, Let me see your MySpace.” She logs in and I look around. I tell her this. "Don't do anything online that you would be embarrassed to show your grandmother."
For the most part, she keeps it respectable, and here and there she does something stupid, but I stop her from going too far. When children say “Well, so-n-so does it.” I say “That’s nice, but they aren’t my concern, you are, and the fact that their parents don’t care, doesn’t make them lucky, it makes you lucky.” My wife and I go for the give them rope to hang themselves, but stop the hanging philosophy of raising children. We know what’s going to happen and step in just before it gets ugly.

[LovingJesusinAZ]

I agree with the previous posters. I don't have teenagers, yet (my oldest will be 2 next week!) and it is not my place to tell others how to raise their kids, but since you asked . . . you have every right/responsibility to monitor your 14 year old's activities.

Responsible parents monitor who their teenagers (esp. young teens) hang out with in real life--it's equally important (if not more so!) to monitor who teenagers hang out with in cyberspace.

[mcmama]

Thanks, cougar.

OP, do you work for this software company or anyone who is being paid to promote it by scaring everyone half to death with talk of "much older men"? I see this sort of thing all the time here, so I have to ask.

My kids had no online privacy until they were 16. My oldest had a predator who our family knew as an acquaintance making secret emails to him which were very disturbing. I found these because I knew the password and they knew I checked.

We came to an agreement at 13 that I did not open email messages from their friends. But if I saw something unfamiliar or from an adult, I opened it. I would then tell them.

This is how I protected my family not from an anonymous online predator, but from a real flesh and blood friend of my ex husband - who thought I was being a horrible control freak and tried to convince the kids that I didn't trust them and was crazy. (all the while accusing me of "parental alienation syndrome"!)

Didn't work. THEM I trusted. My ex and his friends, I did NOT trust.

Now, I know folks who have grounded their geeky son, taking away his online access and his laptop. But they work. So they had alerts set up to their cellphone, and when they came home they could tell him they knew he was online and he was even MORE grounded.

Seems to have worked. He's starting college this year at one of the top engineering schools in the country. Couldn't have gotten in without the focus they disciplined into him. And the creeps they filtered out.

About software for spying - I have friends who have had to track their husbands online behavior and I think they have used Spectorsoft and other ware. Amazing what some men will do with kids right there in the room. When it's coming on your family computer, or on a network in your household, don't expect much privacy from other family members. And with kids, while they are teens, it is your job to monitor all their activity.

[mrmnmom82]

I would keep the computer in a family area. Not in a bedroom. And I liked the idea of not telling them how you are finding out what they are doing, ask to see the MySpace page everyonce in a while.

[mcmama]

Yes, we have always kept it in a family area as well. Very important that they are not shut off from the rest of the family with this little "toy".

[FatherBlogger]

Originally Posted by BeaverMom

I
Her friends, and even some of MY FRIENDS seem to think this is over the top, invasion of privacy etc. What do you think? I am interested in hearing some other opinions.

As a father of a 12 year-old girl, we are almost in the same situation and I believe you are just being a responsible parent. Although I allow my daughter to check the net, that is only for school purposes and sometimes on-line games. Since I am also a part-time blogger, I decided to position our PC in the living room where everybody can see what's going on.

I think we a parents should be more careful as devils are aslo changing their looks.

[fostermommy]

I too had software installed on our computers to monitor our kids' usage. (webwatcher) However, I did tell them that the software was there, and that I would be reading anything that was red-flagged. I felt that I did owe them that respect, since there had not been any true problem that led me to obtain the software. I just felt like I needed to respect them in that way. However, I did monitor all their usage. Unfortunately, soon after buying the program, we had lots of problems with it interfering with the anti-virus / spamware and had to remove it from the computers. I was really disappointed. Have you had any problems with this Spector Pro software being compatible with your anti-virus / spamware?? Can this program also limit the amount of TIME that child has access to online activity?? (another pet peeve in our household............)

[HerbalHeidi]

Hi Parents,

I don't have kids, I'm 27, but this post captured my attention. I definitely think teenagers should be monitored. When I was 13, my friends and I constantly talked to boys older than we were. We never thought anything would happen, maybe a kiss. Well, my best friend ended up having sex with a guy in his 20's. She was only 13. I had a lot more supervision than she did, so I wasn't allowed to go out the night it happened. My mom was always suspicious (rightfully so) of me spending the night at certain friends homes. I didn't understand why she would let me stay at one friend's house without calling her parents, but with other friends she would have to talk to their parents in person. She was probably listening to my phone conversations -- good for her. She kept me from going to a lot of sleepovers that were really co-ed parties.

So, spy. Although I wouldn't tell your teenager you have a software or have access, because they will figure out a way around it. Unless you are a computer guru, your kids probably can outsmart you when it comes to computer stuff. So, don't give them a reason to be sneaky online, just spy privately.