[rick31797]

I am writing today, to get your thoughts on my son, but first i will give you some history of our family.
I have been married for 31 yrs and we have two grown adult children. We have a 26 year boy and a 21 year old girl.
Through-out the years, of raisng both kids, i feel we did everything right.They didn't get everything they wanted , but our kids always came first, before our injoyment.
They where never taken to Disiney world but we took Vacations to nearby places and would injoy the indoor pools and take them to outdoor water slides. Zoo's , Canada's wonderland is a huge attaction for kids as well as Niagara Falls.
We also feel we treated both kids equal>>>
So fastforward , and now we are into 2008 and my Daughter is 21 yrs old and is what we would call living a Normal life, she is working , and has a boyfriend and has moved and start her own life in a nearby City.
My son is the reason for this post. he is 26 yrs old and is living at home. Is there something wrong with him>> I will probably never know.. Why > Because he won't talk, to me or my wife.
My wife and I do-not work but my son has a full -time job, but does not support us>We have enough income to survive.
Here is the negitive stuff
I shouldn't say he won't talk, but he says only what he needs to say>> If his car is broke he comes to me, saying " My car won't start" If he blows a fuse in his room. he comes to me> telling me " Because he has too"
The same with my wife.. if he cant find a shirt, he will ask her>> He is very selfish, with money and his time. He won't help out unless he is asked too, but a couple days to my surprise he shoveled the driveway this winter.
He has a full time job and makes good money and lives at home.. he pays me some rent (gets to keep 96 % of his pay) that i have to ask for every month.. if i didn't ask for it, i wouldn't get it.
He gets his meals cooked and his clothes washed, and his room cleaned, ( we dont make his bed) He has the run of the whole basement, completely furnished with Satelite TV.
He will not listen to any of my advice as far as, investments, and becuase of this he is loosing a few hunderd a month. Its his money, nothing i can do about it.
He will not listen to my advice about anything. he will do the opposite.He has no contact with his Sister.
Now for the good Stuff
This boy has not give us a Min trouble>> This Man doesn't miss a min. from work, in the 7 years he has been working. Works 12 hr shifts.. days and nights.. at a very hard job>
Every night he leaves for work.. My wife will say. Have a good night, Luv You" and the door shuts with no comment.
He does not Drink, Smoke, or do drugs>> we would know if he did. He loves to read>>we feel this is a good outlet for not talking> He will read two to 3 books at a time> He is reading about History of the world.. Has many expensive Books on the world of Art
He must have over 100 hardcover books that he has read or is reading.. Every two weeks he goes out and buys a couple new ones.
IF i ask him for help he would help me.. and not complain.. He does not complain about anything.
He can Cook, he can make his own meals if he has too.. and sometimes he will cook something for his lunch.
He is very very clean... Will take two showers a day and he cuts his own hair,and is very well dressed.
He buys his own clothes.. he will once and awhile order, $150.00 worth of clothes.
We noticed this change in him about age 16 yrs 17..somewhere around that, and we don't know why.
We both have talked to him.asking him why he wont talk to use, and his reply is i have nothing to say.
I have told him he is missing out on life, and all the things that go with it.
I have told him that he doesn't treat his Mom very well for everything she does for him. He doesn't buy her birthday gifts, not even a mother's day card.
I have told him,i don;t care about myself, but giving your Mom a bit of money for a present is the least u can do for all she does for you. But he won't change>
He is what he is. He is 26 yrs old " adult with no friends> He had friends when he was young tell he changed..Now nobody wants to be around him because he wont talk to them either.
He says. he has nothing to say>> He has never since he was about 14 15yrs old.. said more then 3 words in a row.
I keep saying, I cannot make an Adult talk when he doesn't want too> He is wrapped up in his own little world. We don't feel he would hurt anybody> He has never been volent.. We have no guns.
His outlet is Books. The intenet,( which we dont know what he does ) and TV. Music>
He goes out shopping one a month.. he drives and owns a Car.
If i ask him if he would like to go out with me to an GUY's store or just anywhere, he always says No>>
At family get togethers like Christmas , he will come with us for dinner, and only answers a question when asked. People understand him and dont talk to him too much.
So here i am thinking>> this Man is being his own person.. Just becuase he don't want a girlfriend, dont want to go to bars , or other places to interact with people.. does this make him , " Not Right"
Does he have Mental problems> He is holding down a full time job>>and paying his dues.
What is happening is he is missing out on the injoyments of life " AS WE SEE IT"
His injoyment is reading a good book.. where others my want to take in a Concert.He don't like crowds and has no interests in events that draw alot of people.
His job does not require Talking>> so he works alone, and very hard and doesn't talk to other emploee's while working ,and i am sure his Foreman loves that , and we feel he is a good employee.
For myself he is not the Son i wish i could have had.. I wanted a boy that would talk to me and someone i could injoy, and we could do things together.. But thats my thoughts and what i am missing.
I have never told him this and would not, insult him or make him feel bad.
I did say some negitive comments one time about the way he treats his Mother,.It was her Birthday and he gave her nothing. I told him he was very selffish and only thinks about himself and is a taker not a giver.
It probably didnt help things, but i need to tell him how i felt and i feel its true. He of course said nothing, and nothing changed.
At Christmas, he gives nothing. We buy him several presents, and Christmas morning he gets up around 9 am after everybody is done .. and my wife takes all his presents down to his room so he can open them in private.. sound strange???well he does not like people watching him.. doesnt like his picture taken.
And we cannot go through Christmas and not buy him anything.. we cannot be like him>
When he was young i taught him to play the guitar, he got good and hasn't touch it in 5 yrs> This would be something we could do together but he wont.
So he is missing out and so are we, I told him something day we won't be here, and u need to think about that, but whatever i say it doesn't seem to matter.
AS mentioned, He is very selfish and pretty well only think's about himself> So we give him his privacy that he wants> really too bad. Too bad for both of us.
Life is short and we wonder someday when we are both gone what will become of him. Can he look after everything that needs to be done. Bills house, ect>
We will never know>> I guess what hurts the most is his life is going by and he will never have the feeling of love toward another person or a women loving him. That feeling>>
He will grow up old and alone.. The way he wants it.
But when i see on TV what other parents are going through with there kids.. Drugs, Guns, stealing ,Jail, I think to myself>> WE dont have it bad at all. we have a Son that we know where he is, even though he is an Adult.. he is here at home 90 % of the time>
So what do you think??
RK

[marylr]

First of all, why would he leave your home when everything is done for him!
Has he ever been tested for autism - could he be a high performing autistic person.

[mcmama]

Not liking people watching him, etc, is kind of a red flag for a high functioning adult with some type of autism. He probably puts a great deal of internal effort into keeping everything functioning on the system he needs.

Also, he may not want to take your advice for investments. People make their own mistakes sometimes.

You might want to sit him down and have a talk that he has to have - about contributing toward household expenses more, and helping out more. But be specific and non judgemental when you do.

Here's an article by a lady who has achieved great things in her industry - she has totally redesigned slaughterhouses for animals, improving the humaneness and also the quality of the meat. She is autistic. I think this explanation is fascinating. She talks about her understanding of money in terms of "proportional thinking" - meaning she has to visualize what the money will buy to understand the actual amount.

This may or may not be what is going on with your son. See if there is anything here that rings a bell.

[JeanLynn81]

I also have to add, if not autistic, that he may be suffering from social anxiety disorder (which you can read about here).

My brother has it and sometimes, even though we live in the same house, I can go days without seeing him.

[rick31797]

Thanks for your response. I am not sure that we do everything for my Son..Maybe more than we should..WE are here everyday, with time on our hands.. If your son worked for 12 yrs, and came home., would you not have dinner ready for him, or his room cleaned.
I don't think we are overdueing it, but maybe we are blind to it.We want him to feel we care about him, even though he gives us no emotion> and no communication
Autistic could be very well what he has>>> But what can be done.. he won't go to a Doctor and the Doctor won't come to him. Even if he did , he would never take any medication. We are talking about a Adult 26 yrs old 6 ft 3 inch 200 lbs. We can talk to him, about Autism and he will be insulted and inside it will probably hurt his feelings , thinking that we think he has mental disorder.
We are stuck in a bad place, and i know he wont go to get help.. He won't even go to the mall with me.
So thanks for your help..I never even thought about this disorder, and it could very well be what he has. But the solution will be much harder.I will talk to me Doctor about it and see what he Suggests.. I am sure he will want to see him but , he won't go>
RKJ

[mollymae]

Has he always been like this? Through childhood and high school did he communicate with you?

[DK615617]

Was he always void of emotion??
You said that he changed around 14 or 15 years old, did something happen around that time? Did something traumatic (Spelled??) happen?
I am sorry that you have to deal with this, it would be hard to live with someone who doesn't talk. It sounds almost as if he doesn't like any human contact. I was thinking Autism or Aspergers. But it could be a social anxiety disorder. I would talk to a doctor.

[mcmama]

Talk to your doctor about his refusal of treatment or evaluation, to see what can be done.

Also check out NAMI. Autism is not a mental illness, it is a developmental one - but NAMI may have some advice for legal and coping skills when an adult refuses medical help.

[mrmnmom82]

I agree with what someone else mentioned, It sounds as though a spacific event may have triggered what seems to be depression maybe.

[DK615617]

It does concern me that you said he was fine till around 14 or 15. Did anything happen that could have triggered this? An event, or even as far fetched as this may sound, a poisoning of some sort. I know that mercury poisoning can cause some odd personallity changes. It can be really drastic. Did anything in his environment change around that time period. (pesticide exposure?) I know some people say this may be far fetched, but the body is a complicated thing and sometimes too much of something baf can throw off the nervous system and trigger huge changes in the personality of a person.
I with you luck in figuring out why the change. And hopefully something to help remedy the situation.
Has he aver been tested for food allergies? I know that some doctors now think that food allergies can trigger depression and other mood changes.