[Mary46]

I am so confused about my mothers behavior...I don't know what to do or who I should talk to. She is very difficult to be around, so negative about everyone and everything. She has been verbally abusive to my husband in our home, and then played the victim when he told her to mind her own business. That was 6 months ago. Yesterday in a phone conversation she brought it up and put the blame on my mother-in-law and my friend who witnessed her outburst. My sisters husband has also been on the receiving end of her fury. They make no attempts to see her. My husband is angry but understands she's my mom. I want to have a healthy relationship with her, but it's hard. I think she is trying to protect us, from what I don't know! I'm 45, my sister is 53. We both have happy marriages. I don't know what to do.

[EbayMom]

Take your concerns to her Doctor...tell him about her behavior & outbursts...it may be an imbalance.

[cocotbo]

You don't mention how old your mom is.

Is she very old? Does she have many friends? Have her friends passed away? Does she have an active social life? Does she have any hobbies that cause her to mix with other people her own age?

Sometimes living a long life can be a curse. Your friends all die, you've got all day long to sit around and do nothing and life just doesn't seem to have any kick anymore. Kicking it up in your lives may be the only action/drama that she gets in her life.

You'll probably want to check on any medications she's taking too. Sometimes doctors and pharmacists don't pick up on bad combinations of medications and that can cause serious problems.

[Mary46]

My Mom has just turned 78. She has been a widow for 35 years. She's healthy & active, not on any medications that I'm aware of. She volunteers her time at a museum/theater, she's part of a women's group in her area, she takes trips during the summer. I know of a few old friends, but they don't live in her town. My brother lives in the same town and helps her, but has a life of his own, he never married. She doesn't target him with her anger, just her daughters & son-in-laws.
I don't want to hurt her, but at the same time I can't let her abuse my husband. While staying at my sisters home she decided one morning to verbally attack her husband over my sisters place in their family business. That is not any of her business, and now they make no attempt to see her. I asked her why she felt the need to do that, my sister is 53 and part owner in the business. She said my sister is to quiet and doesn't stand up for herself. When she does these things, we (her daughters) are never in the room. It seems she is trying to help, but is creating problems where there are none. I wonder if I should try to talk to my brother about it.

[cocotbo]

Originally Posted by Mary46

I don't want to hurt her, but at the same time I can't let her abuse my husband. While staying at my sisters home she decided one morning to verbally attack her husband over my sisters place in their family business. That is not any of her business, and now they make no attempt to see her. I asked her why she felt the need to do that, my sister is 53 and part owner in the business. She said my sister is to quiet and doesn't stand up for herself. When she does these things, we (her daughters) are never in the room. It seems she is trying to help, but is creating problems where there are none. I wonder if I should try to talk to my brother about it.

For what it is worth, here is my opinion:

Don't bother talking to you brother about it since he clearly isn't involved. Get together with your sister (the one your mother wants to stand up for herself) and you two go have a little sit-down with your mother. She's a big girl now. I'm sure she can take it. Just explain calmly that her "interventions" on your bahalf are rude and abusive (to your husbands) and completely unnecessary and that you would appreciate it if she would stop. She should address any problems she may have with your lives directly to you and then back off. She may just be waiting for you both to put your feet down and say "Hey! We're all grown up now! If we make mistakes, we own them."

It sounds like she needs to be stopped before she completely alienates her entire family and you sisters are the only ones who can do it.
Good Luck!

[tallen0898]

Hi Mary 46
I am 37 years old and my mother is 75 and is just negative about every single thing in the world. My "siblings" have disowned her. She makes mine and my husband life miserable. I felt bad because she was living on her own in a crappy apt and so I made the mistake and moved her in with us. The constant insults of my husband and my dogs drives me to tears. She then insults me about marrying him and how I use to be smart but now I am dumb woman. My husband tries so hard to be civil and she just treats him like dirt. I am at a lost of what to do as we can't afford to put her in an assisted living and now with the economy the way it is she can't afford to live on her own. The constant stress and tension in my home is terrible...I miss work because of the arguing and crying I go through on weekly basis. Needless to say, do no move your mother in your home...it is your only escape from the misery.

[stillparentingafteralltheseyears]

My mother is 94, very mentally alert and continues to be a manipulative and controlling woman. 3 of my siblings seldom visit her and one has nothing to do with her, for many years. When I got remarried 1 1/2 yrs ago, my mother got very upset and angry and turned on my husband who she had previously just adored and had refered to as her "best son". She also made many negative remarks and statements to me about her opinion of my "poor choice" to get married again. She then decided he and his sons were too overwhelming to visit her anymore. After months of this, we decided to tell her we were getting divorced so I would not have to listen to any more of her negativity on this subject. My much less frequent visit are much more pleasant now. Ridiculous, but sadly, true.

[MissyChrissy]

Is this new behavior? There could be an underlying medical condition and I'd have her evaluated by her dr. Make him/her aware of this behavior.

[stillparentingafteralltheseyears]

Unfortunately, this is not new behavior, my mother has been like this, very controlling, for many, many years. My oldest sister reached her breaking point 30 years ago and moved across the country to get away from her. My sister visited a very few times over the next 25 years and passed away 5 years ago totally estranged form my mother. As I said, 4 of my siblings just don't deal with her. My younger sister (who is 52, has never been married and has almost no life apart from my mother) still lives with my mother and is the one who bears the brunt of my mother's controlling nature. I live 30 miles away and visit 2-3 times a month, but talk to my sister on the phone nearly every day. The family consensus is that my long suffering father willed himself to die so he would not have to put up with her any longer. How he did it for 53 1/2 we'll never know.

My mother is on Hospice care, for mild CHF. Luckily my late father had a great job and the health insurance pays for caregivers for my mother so my sister can continue to work. My mother gives them all a run for their money. She has been evaluated many times, but refuses to take any meds to help her. We have been told by the Hospice social workers that this is her right. My mother does not want to change. She is 94, set in her ways and my sister will not stand up to her. My grandmother was the same way and lived to nearly 100, with my uncle and his 2nd wife (my grandmother ran off the previous one) taking the abuse.

I decided at a very young age to never be controlling like my mother. I gave my children permission to tell me if I was. All my son has ever had to say is "OK, Nana" and I thank him and back off. I have told them both if I ever get like her when I am old to put me in a home so they will not have to deal with what my sister and I have gone through.

It is a complex situation, writing about it is helpful and any feedback is appreciated.