[Raiina]

My name is Raina and I am 13. This post is about my dad and I know people will think I am a bad person for saying some of these things. Actually, I am embarassed of him when my friends come over......a bunch of my friends said that my dad looks like the lead singer of Queen who died. They said I should feel lucky because of it. One of my friends (best friend) mom has a crush on my dad. She met my dad and started talking to him when she would drop my friend off at my house. Now she hangs around him all the time and it annoys me. She brought over a Queen record from the 70's because she wanted my dad to see how much he looks like the singer. There was the picture of the four long haired hippies inside and one of them looks just like my dad. Except my dad's hair isn't that long.
Sometimes, I wish that my dad would die. So that I can live with my mom. My parents never got married, they had me when my dad was almost 18 but my mom was 5 years older than my dad..... and my dad got custody of me when I was born. Noone will tell me why, and I only get to see my mom twice a month.
My dad's mom (my grandmother) is from Syria. And his dad is from France. So my dad is half Syrian and half French although he was born in the United States. But even in spite of all this he won't try and at least have an normal American accent. When my friends come over they ask if my dad is a foreigner, if I tell them No, they think I am lying.
I am mean to my dad alot of the time, and I end up saying terrible things like, If he was dead, I could be with my mom. Sometimes after I go to bed I can hear him crying in his room. But it only makes me angry! The truth is that I love my mom, and I feel so sorry for her sometimes. I miss her when I can't see her.
I know that I probably have a mental problem but doesn't everyone in some way or other? This is my deepest, darkest secret and I am exposing it here online for lots of people to see. I already know counseling won't help me, because there is no way I would EVER say this to someone who is suppose to by my counselor face to face.

[Alejandros Mommy]

You need to talk to both your parents about this. You really don't know why your dad got custody of you. BUT I can say...you are a very lucky young teen. Your dad chose not to abandon you when your mom had you.

My almost 9 year olds father chose to run away from fatherhood. Even though he has visitation he chooses to "dump" his child onto his mother on the week-ends that he has him. Put your self in your dad's shoes. in 5 years you find yourself a dad. What would you do?

You are very lucky indeed.

I don't know what situation your mother is in....but it may be she chose to only have you 2 times a month. Have you considered that? When your mom gets you I bet you have tons of fun to make up for the times you are not with her. BUT I bet you that if you lived with her things would change. After all your dad is the one doing most of the parenting right now....and he can't always be the 'nice" guy when it comes to parenting.

If you lived with your mom she'd do the parenting and then set up her own rules and such....she'd want to know where you where, who you where going out with, when your coming back. She would tell you what she does and dos not approve of. She would be a parent.

The grass always looks better when your on the other side of the fence.

Talk to your parents....it may be hard but you need to know why your dad got custody of you and why your mom doesn't. It will help you with your anger towards your dad.

[mrmnmom82]

You seem upset with your father about things he can't change. He can't change his physical appearance, he can't change his accent. If your friends ask if he's from another country tell them about his interesting heritage. Be proud of him, because you are a part of him. We all got a little phsyco right around this age, but that doesn't make it ok to treat your father like that.

I treated my mother like that. She was a soft parent. Didn't really raise her voice, I allways new no matter what I said she would allways be there. Parents are safe to be angry at, because we know no matter what we say they will allways forgive us. You are abusing that. Now my mother is dead. Luckily I was able to grow up, apoligize and treat her with respect like she deserved.

You will have to live with making the person who loves you the most, cry. You can say, "Ya, but everybodies mean to their parents when their teens" or you can own your choices, and make it right. He probably won't even need an apology, just treat him differently and it will make all the difference. What if he WAS dead.

Be carefull what you wish for.

[Raiina]

Hi Lessly I understand what you are saying, but what it amounts to, is a guilt trip, which my dad gives me all the time. It doesn't help me treat him any better, it only makes me angrier at him. My friend's dad, who is a friend of my dad, died in a car wreck and my dad made me go to the funeral with him. At the funeral, they had everyone taking turns viewing the body, which I think was horrible. First, it was the immediate family and my friend was crying really hard and she didn't want to leave her dad's body. And I happen to look around and my dad was staring at me.
So right away I got angry at my dad, because I can feel him always playing mind games with me. After the funeral, my best friend's and her mom came over....and I can't stand her mom. They made Syrian food, which my dad loves and I hate. So I went to my room and went to sleep, and I didn't speak to my dad for the rest of the day. So later that day, when I came out of my room, I wanted him to take me out to eat because I was hungry. But he ignored me like I wasn't even there.. More mind games! He just sat there in the sofa reading his paper so I grabbed it from his hand and crumpled it up. He didn't even get angry he just stared at me and told me to go to my room, and so I screamed I hated him. The only reason he didn't get angry at me for grabbing the paper was to make me feel bad, and I could feel it! If he would have got mad or yelled at me I wouldn't have screamed I hated him. So when I went to my room I could hear my dad downstairs crying and all I could feel is hatred for him because he is so weak minded and emotional.
See that is what I can't help, the anger that I feel. I wanted my dad to scream or yell or do something besides cry.

[Raiina]

mrmnmom82,
I'm not trying to make my dad cry. I WANT him to get angry at me. I want him to scream or yell at me. Sometimes, I even want him to hit me or beat me because then, I would have a reason to live with my mom. I just feel like he is always trying to make me feel guilty and it makes me so mad at him.

[KR258]

I'm sorry but I think that's terrible. How could you want to hurt your father so he will be angry with you? Don't you see he cries because he loves you and doesn't understand what you're going through? Maybe you should just come right out and tell him you want to see your mother more. The way you talk I would think you don't love your father either. I don't blame him for being hurt and emotional when you're being so disrespectful. Just because he loves you and it hurts him when you're mean to him doesn't make him weak minded!! It makes him a good father for loving you even when you're being terrible to him!!! Maybe you should give the guy a break and tell him what your feeling and thinking because we all know men can't read minds.

[mollymae]

So basically it comes down to you want to live with your mum and you don't care how you get it?

You are the one playing mind games with your dad. You ignored him all afternoon and then when you want to go out to eat you click your fingers and expect it to all be ok? Then when he ignores you back you say its him playing mind games!!

You want him to hit you so you can blame it all on him and go live with your mum? Why can't you just say I want to live with my mum? Is that even a option or does she not want a child to raise? Have you asked?

I know your only 13 but I'm sorry but your actions sound manipulative and abusive.

[JeanLynn81]

IMO it seems like you are crying out for some answers, but are confused about how to get them. Maybe your dad thinks you are too young to know, but you feel like you are old enough. Am I right at all?

I know you said you don't want to see a counselor about this, but wanting your dad dead is something you don't HAVE to mention (although it would help to get your feelings out). I think a family counselor would help you and your dad talk about these things and would get you the answers you need. Does it bother you that your mom is raising the other sister, but not you? That's something they need to explain to you, but if you were in their shoes, you'd be worrying about how to say it too. Try to understand their side as well.

I remember 13. I felt old enough to learn the truth, but everyone treated me like a baby and wouldn't tell me anything. Yes, it made me VERY angry. That's a tough age. Good luck to you.

[Alejandros Mommy]

Raiina I can only hope my own child does not treat me this way. I have not told him that his "father" abondoned us...and that his "father" wanted him dead. There are reasons that we shelter our children. Reasons that at your age you may not understand.

Like I said before. Your mom may not want you to live with her. Have you thought about this possibility? What if your dad has tried to get her to take you more often and she has simply said NO.

What if he doesn't want to tell you this as he wants to protect you?

I honestly think that you are very angry at your dad for not talking to you. I must again state that you need to have a talk...not a yelling match...but a talk...let your dad talk to you and then listen to him.

[mcmama]

Here's the deal: I don't think you are bad at all. I think you are 13.

Your mom isn't around most of the time and all 13 year olds realize how dumb their parents can be at times. So your dad gets all of that.

Do you tell your mom you are ashamed of her accent, or anything about her? Do you argue with her like you do with your dad? Do you pout about your moms companions, her food, demand her attention by grabbing a newspaper? Probably not. And it is easier to have things be nice when it is not 24/7, which it is for your dad. This is the pattern people follow a lot in divorce - the custodial parent gets all the rebellion, and the non custodial one is the one they decide they want to live with because everything is just so right. And then they make the change - and it gets a bit too real.

Please don't be embarrassed by his accent. He is who he is, and being honest about it is best. Even if he is american born, if he grew up in a family or neighborhood where people don't speak "american" he will have an accent.

Frankly, if I were you and someone told my dad he looked like Freddie Mercury, I would be creeped out. And I remember Bohemian Rhapsody when it was new (scaramouche scaramouche I never did learn the fandango...) Maybe you just don't like the ladies who are showing interest in him. And that is normal too.

Your dad probably made a mistake taking you to the funeral. You weren't ready for that. Real parents make mistakes. A lot.

I don't know if the wish that he would die is really about dying, I suspect it is really about making a change and being able to control something in your life which you cannot control.

Perhaps it is time to have an honest talk with both your parents about why dad has custody of you and always has. But realize that you never will know the whole of it, because that is part of your parents private life.

You should go for counseling. Getting this down on a forum and having feedback from adults is a good first step - but you should talk about it. And a professional counselor is probably just as safe as a bunch of other peoples mothers on the internet.

Let us know how things go for you. It's tough sometimes.