[sandraann123]

I posted this message somewhere else and realized it was a response to someone else's thread. I feel dumb. Anyway, here goes: Hello, I am new to this, but I know that I need some serious help. I have been engaged for almost one year and I already have mother-in-law problems! You see, she is a very opinionated, elderly English woman and she does not know how to stick her nose out of her son and my relationship. Both of us have been previously married and are being careful. In addition to this, we are in a long distance relationship. I live in San Diego and he lives in Los Angeles. Let me get to the problem, his mother has been a tag along everywhere we go and since my fiancee' and I only get weekend's together, her behavior has become annoying. She is always saying very stupid and selfish things and perhaps they may seem harmless, but I am a sensitive woman and don't appreciate any of the things she says. For example, my fiancee' owns a gym and he is long time friends with a female trainer that works there, and before I even met this trainer, his mom told me that she often wished that her son and this girl had gotten together. Then she accused me of being jealous when I tried to ask her what use can I get from that information. She is also very protective of his business and when he wants to take a Friday off to make it a longer weekend for our relationship she scowls at him for "negelcting" his business. The worst part is he often listens to her! My fiancee' is a grown man! He is 44 yrs. old! I am 33 and we are not kids anymore. She tells everyone that she likes me and that I am the woman that will take good care of her son, but then she turns around and acts jealous of the time that my fiancee' and I spend together! One last example; my fiancee' and I went to Las Vegas for his B-day and when we returned she told us that next time it was her turn! That he will have to take her and only her to Vegas! I did not know what to think of this. Apart from me having to squirm because I was raised to respect my elders, I often assist my fiancee' in cleaning her house for her and doing some of her errands, because unfortunately for her she is very sick. She has pretty serious emphysema. Now these last few months our relationship has taken a great toll, she has been hospitalized several times and the doctor has put her on 100% oxygen. She has congestive heart failure and is in the last stages of her emphysema. The doctor told my fianncee' and his sister that she may only have a few months to live.But during one of these "hospital" visits my fiancee' admitted to me that he has a sick feeling in his stomach that his mother enjoys all the attention. This is where the story turns ugly, although I feel sad for her health, I also feel a lot of resentment towards her for the way she has treated me in the last year. (There are other stories). I find it very hard for me to feel sorry for her and sometimes wish that the good Lord take her out of her misery as soon as possible. I know! I must sound horrible and believe me, I have gone to confession and have prayed to God to forgive for my thoughts! I am in a constant battle of emotions with myself and so desperately want to weed out all the resentment. My fiancee' has accused me of being selfish and he thinks I should be a stronger woman, but yet I have been by her bedside and cleaned up her vomit and practically been a slave to her demands! I swear that she is nice to me in front of him but as soon as he turns his back she takes out her claws. To make it even worse, whatever quality time my fiancee' and I had together is gone out the window. He has moved in with her to assist her with anything she needs and hardly has time to talk to me. When he does finally phone me it's always late at night and by this time he is so tired that he just calls to tell me that he is going to bed! In the short phone conversations we have had, I have tried to explain my feelings to him and I remember one week I was having a really hard time at work with my new boss and when I tried to vent to him, he said that it was not about me and why could I not be more symphathetic to the fact that his mother is dying in front him? Two weeks ago I also had foot surgery and can't walk or drive, so I can't come up and see him. I thought that at least he would visit me on the first weekend of recovery, but instead he told me that he needed to stay home with his mom. I accepted that, but as childish as this may sound, I am uspset with him because I did not get any "get well" flowers or even a card from him. When he did visit me he brought me this card that he just signed...nothing else! In fact the day of the surgery I had to call him at work several hours after my mom brought me home bcause I had not heard from him. I am starting to grow resentful of him and also jealous of the time he is devoting to his mother. I know that sounds horrible and it is, but I am very unhappy and upset right now. I am not understanding his behavior and I also hate myself for feeling this way! Why can't I be stronger? I don't want to have resentment or ill feelings! She may die soon and I know that my fiancee' is really going to need me to be a strong woman for him, but why do I feel like running the other way? Someone please help me!
In Angst.

[QueenAngie]

Welcome to the board!

Hoping that your foot is healing well and on the mend.

Wounds like your boyfriend has a lot going on right now:
his business,
his mother dying in hospice,
and caring for her each day.

People in hospice have about six months to live.
Sometimes people live a little longer than that or
shorter than that.
The doctor even stated "a few months to live."

It does not sound like he wishes to marry while his mother is still alive.
Does it?

Why not just be patient for a few more months.


Wishing you all the best!

[mcmama]

My ex mother in law was like this, right down to the congestive heart trouble. Used to ask a lot of nosy questions about our intimate life too, which I found troublesome. My ex had problems with respecting other people's personal boundaries, and I think it stemmed from how she would erode any sense of privacy with him. My ex was 39 when we got married. So, like your fiance, that's a lot of time spent saying yes mama.

Husbands have to choose between their wives and their mothers sometimes. In a good marriage, the wife is the choice. A husband who does not back up his wife when his mom is intruding is asking for trouble. And as far as nursing a sick woman, we went through this in our marriage - she refused to have me help her at all, insisted it had to be him or her older sister, and finally we all just had to deal with pros and home health aids, which was better for her anyway. My ex and I actually paid a former cleaning lady on the sly to be her friend and do her errands and check in on her so that we didn't have to keep dropping everything to deal with day to day demands from a distance (we lived in another state, my ex's attempt to get away). She can be really sick, but it can be an excuse to be manipulative. Misery loves company.

My former mother in law interfered quite a bit in our marriage, and my advice to you is to seriously reconsider marrying this man until you are really confident that he will go forward WITH you, and not just expect you to be alongside when he is totally involved with his mom.

There was an answer to you on the other thread you posted on - I had removed your post from that thread as it was a duplicate and it gets unweildy to have the same conversaition happening in two places. That response is here:
http://forums.families.com/problems-...r-in-law,t1635

BTW, at our wedding, my ex mil insisted she was not long for this world and was going to die soon, so that was why we had to do things her way. This was what she kept insisting for the next 12 years.

[mcmama]

One other thing - your mil may not be long for this world, and Angie's advice to wait may be just the ticket. But an important thing for any marriage is - mother or no mother, how does he treat you? My ex husband never understood that setting time aside for our marriage was important - something else was always more important. Now, there was some deceiving going on - but ultimately, whatever my ex valued got his attention, and that was not me, no matter what I did. So please be very careful and very sure.