[deedee1231]

My really good friend just found out a few weeks ago that she has breast cancer. She had been misdiagnosed with a breast infection about a month and a half ago and the antibiotics didn't do anything for it and eventually they diagnosed inflammatory breast cancer.

She found out yesterday that she is stage 3, she is undergoing tests every day this week to determine whether it might even be stage 4, which is considered terminal.

I am scared. I know that is stupid because it isn't me, but I am still scared. I don't want to lose my friend, and I am worried about her and her son (she is a single Mom). I have told her that I am praying for her and that I am here for her. If she needs anything to let me know and I will do whatever I can for her. But when she calls me and tells me about her appointments, I get so tongue tied, I don't know what to say or how to react. I feel so stupid when the only thing that comes out of my mouth is "Oh no!" Oh my!" and "Oh dear!" I went to see her and she doesn't start chemo until next week, so she is chipper and seems fine, and I just couldn't deal with seeing her and I didn't stay long. Then I felt guilty for leaving.

Does anyone have any advice on how to handle this, and how to be normal around my friend? And how can I help her? What can I do to make this easier for her once she starts the chemo? Thanks.

[oweirdo]

I dont know what to say, umm I have never been in your situation. But I wish you and your friend the best. If possible treat her no differently, thats all I can think of.

[AussieD]

Deedee1231,
I had a friend die of breast cancer a few years back and I found it hard towards the end seeing her suffer. I think too it brought it all back with my mum who died of cancer,so i can understand how you feel. But just ty and be there for her when you can. Even a short visit is better than none at all.Maybe you could helpby looking after her son, by cooking some meals for when she's out of chemo and sending her a card to let her know you're thinking of her and praying for her. A specialcard can brighten a person's day. Another dear friend is a survivor of breast cancer. So keep praying. We have just recently seen an amazing answer to prayer with a friend of ours who had cancer and is now, after chemo and prayer, all clear. God still is in the miracle business.

[QueenAngie]

Prayers for your friend!

The above friends gave great suggestions.

Let her talk, you just listen.

Give her hugs.

Watch her son.

Bring over casseroles, some of her favorite dishes.

Do her laundry.

Mop the kitchen floor.

Clean the bathroom.

Take her and her little guy out for ice cream.

All the best!

[JeanLynn81]

My mom survived through stage 3-b lung cancer. The chemo was very tough for her. She was very sick and tired 2-3 days after each treatment. She would get a treatment on Thurs., and all weekend was ill.

The very best thing you can do is offer your help. She's definately going to appreciate any she can get. Help her with the kid, housework, maybe take her a few meals...or advance prepare and freeze a few meals for the kid, so all she has to do is defrost and microwave. Anything you can do to make her life easier is a blessing.

You can make her a "chemo bag." Buy a really cute bag that she can take with her everytime she goes. Fill it with things she likes...snacks, gum, books, crossword puzzles, water...you know what she'd like. Keep in mind chemo treatments can take awhile, and she'll need a few things to kill the time. Maybe put some cute headwraps in it. She'll love it! My mom still has her chemo bag. She loved it and used it everytime.

But most of all pray for her. Ask your church, if you belong to one, to pray for her. My mom insists that all the prayers made the biggest difference.

I'm very sorry to hear she is going through this. My prayers and thoughts are with you.

If you ever need to talk, I'm here.

[mcmama]

One of the problems that cancer patients face ( I am a survivor of early detected ovarian cancer) is that there is a lot of stuff to go through, and a lot of reality and day to day issues to cope with, and friends become really uncomfortable. Family too. I found it annoying to need to speak of serious issues with my family, and have them tell me to not think about it, just be happy. I think they believed they were being positive, but it just added to my stress and sense of isolation.

It is helpful to listen, and to offer day to day assistance, like Angie said. She is going to need child care, transportation, etc. We worry about those things when we face surgery, and other treatments, because we don't know how we will be affected and know people are relying on us. So it really helps to be a support for her with those things, and ask what she needs.

As for the medical appointments, she is learing a lot of new stuff. Ask her questions about what you do not understand. As her how she feels, what she thinks.

When you don't deal, it is because the illness makes you uncomfortable. If she is coping in a realistic and optimistic way, she may realize she has reason to be optimistic. That is great considering that she was misdiagnosed, which for breast cancer is really awful.

Don't worry about being tongue tied. Just be there.

[deedee1231]

Thank you all for your kind words and advice. It probably sounds stupid because I am 34, but I have never dealt with cancer before. My grandpa died of lung cancer when I was a child, but that's not the same at all, ya know?

AussieD, thank you for sharing the story of your mum and friends, it really does help just to get this off my chest, and it helps even more to know that someone else understands how I feel.

Angie, thanks for your suggestions. I think I will take them out for ice-cream! That sounds immensely better than our last visit, !

JeanLynn, I LOVE the idea of a chemo bag! I think I might bring another friend or two in on that as a joint effort, so she will be reminded that we are all here for her every time she has a treatment. I think she will like that. And by the way, I am keeping you and your Mom in my prayers as well.

mcmama, I am afraid that this is going to be the hardest part for me. I am so emotional all the time, (think Brook White from American Idol ) I just get choked up and I don't know what to say, and if I do say anything I don't want to start crying and make her feel worse...you are so right, this illness makes me very uncomfortable.
But I want to be there for her. So I will listen to her concerns and ask questions about things I don't understand. Like why in the heck does it take 5 days of tests to determine whether it is stage 3 or stage 4, and why arent they already doing the mastectomy if that is what she needs, you know, before it can spread if it hasn't already. Stuff like that.

And of course I will continue to pray, and help out with whatever chores I can and I already told her I would help her with her son while she is on chemo.Thanks so much everyone for the support. I appreciate it.

[mcmama]

Before they operate on someone, they have to determine what it is they are dealing with. In the old days, the approach was to open someone up and then find that the tumor was advanced or had spread. Now it is more targeted.

With me, it was a hurry up job because the tumor was very large before I even noticed it. Ovarian cancer is very sneaky that way. Even my bloodtests did not reveal any cause for concern. Once they had the ultrasound and mri, my doctor fought with the insurance company to have the proper specialist attend to me within a few days, rather than wait another month for the one that the insurance company wanted to have a look see. When the physician knows that timing is crucial, they move mountains to get you admitted.

Being emotional is fine. Shows you care. Just so that you are functioning and supportive. She is lucky to have a friend like you. At times like these we really do find out who our friends are.

[Tham]

Garlic and onions.

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/entrez/q...=pubmed_docsum