[jackjack68]

Tell him in explicit detail about all the people that I was with before him. Explicit meaning who, when, how many times, positions, etc. He admits having been addicted to sex all his life and is now sincere about lusting only after me, his wife. He has a very deep fear of being lied to or cheated on so he claims that this will help heal him of that fear, knowing I would be so honest as to tell him everything. I have no problem with honesty. I am not ashamed because I know Jesus wiped my sins away. What I am concerned about is that what he is trying to direct towards me..is: #1 not biblical. (If I call up those memories, I am committing adultery in my mind) and I know no where in the bible where sin set the captive free, #2 evidence of the same spirit of lust that bound him before that he is merely trying to "contain" within the parameters of his marriage, without being delivered. There is nothing wrong with lusting after your wife but I believe my husband will find some pleasure in the thought of someone else with me, the result of which is #3, it leading to other things that, though the marriage bed is undefiled, will drive this spirit to greater lust that cannot be contained and he will return to the way he was before we married and/or those thoughts morphing into jealousy and him calling them to remembrance when we at odds with each other. I told him one time that the name of someone from my past 'popped' into my head and he behaved as though I was having an affair. Knowing every detail would be torment for him I imagine and anger me if he throws it in my face. He says he wants to tell me about his past too but I frankly...dont want to know. I just dont.
I dont believe the answer is to give it to this request and he is going to call me disobedient for not meeting his "needs". He is saved, evangelizes the gospel and loves the Lord but I dont believe he has fully assumed the mind of Christ. Forgive me if what I said was too graphic..I am trying my best to be a submissive wife in all things but this seems to be going to far and I need help.
Just for background sake: We have an awesome sex life. He's drop dead gorgeous and we are extremely attracted to each other. He's passionate and expressive and communicates well and all that

[mcmama]

Hi jackjack68!

Sounds like you have a whole lot of confusion going on.

Being a submissive wife in the Christian sense does not mean you are called to behave in a manner which you know to be wrong. Recalling these past relationships appears to be causing you distress because you would rather not go back there in your mind, and also because you are suspicious that you may be feeding your husbands sex addiction if this is something he wants to fantasize about.

I am sure you have an awesome sex life. Sex addicts are often good at this, which is part of the attraction to the addiction, I guess.

If your husband is calling you disobedient for not feeding a sexual addiction which causes you distress and moral conflict, then this is not a loving husband, now, is it? This is an abusive husband who uses your faith against you in order to break you to his will. This is not God's will. Actually, this is an offense against God, because he is using scripture to force you to cooperate with an ungodly act.

Paul tells wives to be submissive to their husbands. He also tells husbands to love their wives. What your husband is asking is not love. This is domination and abuse - and it is perverse.

He's not evangelizing. Sounds like he's ranting.

Have you confided to your minister or spiritual advisor about this? You need to break the cycle, break out of the isolation you are likely experiencing, and set him straight about spiritual authority. You sound like you are much more of a biblical expert than he is.

In addition to what Paul tells husbands, Proverbs has two wise sayings:
"He who walks in uprightness fears the Lord, but he who is devious in his ways despises Him" (Proverbs 14:2)
"A good wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels. The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain" (Proverbs 31:10-11)

Sounds to me like you ARE a good wife - and your husband is not doing what God wants in your marriage by exploiting you and not respecting you - and that is the deviousness of an addict.

[Das]

Leaving the bible out of it.......it's not good for a relationship nor is it needed to tell your partner in detail of everything.I sort of am worried what exactly my guy will ask,I have no doubt it'd be out of curiousity & the vast differences in our lives why he'd ask.We will have deep discussions on this no doubt but every detail is not the thing to tell another.Some say leave things in the past,others wanna know somethings (think that's me & my guy in the future).Your past is the past,yes it can help to say things you've tried or like or would like to try etc.
Think you really need to think about this seriously before saying anything.

[slygirrl]

We've had the "past sexual encounters" talk before and it has created a whole lot of unnecessary tension in having these conversations. I'm with Das, leave it in the past. Not that you should act like you've done anything wrong or that you are keeping secrets, but getting into graphic detail can cause multiple issues that you guys are both not wanting to deal with. I say it's a conversation to be though long and hard on before you do it. We've done it, like I said, and most times I end up wishing we hadn't.

[mcmama]

There shouldn't be a problem in a normal marriage with being honest about previous relationships, but the details are another story. That is uncomfortable. At times my ex wanted to press for details, and that was uncomfortable for me. Later I realized his interest had to do with his sexual issues, among them, closet homosexuality.

The OP I think has an issue in her marriage with a husband who is a sex addict, and who is misusing Biblical authority to get her to comply with his "lust" for too much information.

[KR258]

My husband doesn't care to know anything about any of my passed relationships but I told him alot anyway because I am the type who does like to know. I am mostly just nosey but it does bother me when I feel like he doesn't want to tell me something. I am not saying you should because your situation seems different because he is a sex addict. I think it's a sticky situation and I would ask a professional what to do.

[PetScribe]

Don't tell him. Explain why you don't want to share those details. Be open and honest and if need be read him or let him read what you wrote here.

As for being jealous...if that's worrying him it's because he's got other things on his mind. Typically people who are jealous are so because they themselves are doing things they shouldn't. Or are thinking about doing things they shouldn't and guilt is making them project that onto others.

Keep true to your heart and explore other ways you can satisfy whatever he might be wanting without compromising your beliefs or values.

[yahyah]

Woman, get a life. This all sounds very destructive and very wrong. Your husband is hiding behind the word "religion" and he sounds like a very insecure boy, not a man. Did you think you married a man? If so, then buck up and require him to act like one.

[mcmama]

It does sound destructive. But I don't think she has control over him. Nor should she.

He is not so much hiding behind religion, from the sound of things, as he is hiding being a misperception of religious authority and using this to justify being abusive. Like I said, a lot of guys do not read the full text - about LOVING their wives, and treating them as well as they treat themselves.

So the deal here is - dispute the authority, be true to self, and take a hard look at the marriage. If it means continued abuse then it is not a real marriage. It has to focus on what she wants, not just what he decided he deserves.

[Alejandros Mommy]

ditto!

I found the quote

"Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish. So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church."
Ephesians 5:22-29 (NKJV)

It often does get misinterpreted as only the begining gets read.