[shootingtears]

We dated online for 5 years and got to meet each other , then got married one year later . After our first meet , i sensed a little change in his attitude. He seemed unhappy and cold. Now he told me the truth that he was not pleased with my face, though i m nice-looking . But he felt guilty if he kicked off the relation , so he married me . But in all the past 1.5 years , he feels unhappy inside . thought he appreciats my personalities . When i first got to Toronto , he rented a basement for me . He didnt want me to meet his family members or friend . Later because he lost his job and i hadn't got a job in the new city he had to ask me to move into his apart where he lives with his dad .We have lived together for 0.5 years , during which we never fought or quarrelled . Sometimes we had arguements over his passive attitudes of looking for a job and burying himself in computer games . i thought he insists on a divorce because he is afraid of responsibilities of a family , but he said no . He just feels unhappy inside with my appearance . In all my life so far , he s the only one feeling unhappy with my appearance .i used to be a high school teacher . i m feeling so sad and frustrated . i dont know how to make him happy . i dont know how to cheer myself up . i hope i die now . No matter how sad i am and how i tear over his words and decision , he insisted he is not happy in this marriage and the reason is that he doesnt like my face . i m his first gfriend and wife . he never dated any girls before because he felt shy . im going crazy . i dont know how to continue my life ........................

[MamaWrites]

I am so sorry to hear that. Please know that there are many people here who can offer some support. It sounds like the problem is with him not you!

[mcmama]

Honey, you got yourself a real winner. It's not you. It's him.

He married you because he felt sorry? PLEASE.

YOu mention a passive attitude - sounds like he is seriously passive aggressive, and is isolating and beating up on you.

He never dated any girls before. My ex was gay and had very little to do with women, only a few - but he was pushing 40 when we got married. Is your husband hiding you in order to hide the fact that he is gay - from you and from himself? Closeted husbands do A LOT of stuff with "computer games".

Why on earth would you want to die now for a jerk like this?

He's not happy for his own reasons - he is not a happy person, and he needs someone else to blame. And he is playing a game with you - and tag, you're it when it comes to a scapegoat.

If he wants to divorce you, you are better off. Just make sure you get what is fair in your settlement. You deserve better than this.

If you think he is gay, or even if you are not sure, please PM me. There is a Straght Spouse Network support group in Toronto, and I can give you some information. They are very good at helping you find the right path for your own life at this difficult time, whether you divorce or stay married.

[shootingtears]

yeah , he s very stubborn and doent like to study or work . he lost his job half a year ago but never trying his best to hunt another job .he prefers an easy life . he s so poor right now without a job . But he has a kind heart . he takes care of his dad well and he gives money to homeless .So when he said he felt more unhappy moments than happy moments and the reason is that my appearance is not what he likes , i did feel astonished . i feel it hard to understand his explanations . his sister suggests he sees a mental theropist but he doesnt want to . my tears in the past one year can turn a desert into a forest .No , i dont think he s a gay . he s not interested in men . I m from a far away country to marry him here . right now i have to go to college again to gain some local education to find a better job . i have worked in a factory for 4 months , only to earn 3000 dollars for my first year's tuition . A new life here is so tough for me , plus his cold attitudes. Several times i want to rush onto a speeding car . i havent got any friends here and i have no stomach to call my parents in my country about my life here .

[mcmama]

He's got to see the therapist. Period. He is killing you.

Try telling him to see a therapist or you will see one and tell them ALL ABOUT HIM AND WHAT HE IS DOING TO YOU. That'll get him - he'll probably agree to go to help (really silence) you - and then at least he'll get into counseling, where someone besides you can confront him with his problems.

Please tell your parents when you are able. You need family who loves you. See, he's got you all to himself, so he can be real kind hearted and take pity on poor you and everyone else thinks he is such a good guy, but he is bullying you. Passive aggressively, of course.

He is a wife abuser, without the usual swagger. And they are all cowards.

Seriously, find out what he is doing on the computer. I'm sorry, but it sounds all so familiar - many women in my support groups have gone through this kind of isolation with a "kind" man who tells them they are ugly, fat, repulsive, etc - when in truth, all they are is a normal female. If he's not a closet queen, I guarantee you there is something else going on that is nasty and secret.

The fact that you are depressed just "proves" to him that he is right and you are a mess. But you are not a mess. You are new in a strange place, strange language, and away from the people who REALLY love you.

What country are you from? There are women's centers in Toronto, and some are for women from particular language or cultural backgrounds. Maybe they could give you some ideas about counseling for yourself, money, financial aid for your education, and legal assistance to be free of this abusive relationship and land on your feet.

[shootingtears]

i do need some aid ....in my dreams i m trapped in a box and floating in dark universe and i often screamed and jumped out of the bed . i applied for an educational loan . but got rejected because he had income last year . im not ugly , i m above average looking . or in college i was even entitled " campus flower " . no matter how i beat my brain , i fail to understand his reasons ... Thanks a lot for your replies !!!

[mcmama]

Just remember, it is not your failure. It is his.

There's more than one type of loan, and like I mentioned, there are women's centers - they often know where to apply for grants to further your education. Since you taught high school, you are already educated, you just need to get it to work where you are - it is a very attainable goal, and I am sure there are people who can help you - you just have to believe in yourself and get the help you need for yourself.

[shootingtears]

And pl tell me how and where to get divorced . i ll go crazy soon living with him hearing him saying he cant continue because of my appearance . i cant afford a lawyer . or where is the women's center where i can get help .. i want to jump out as soon as possible ....

[mcmama]

I don't know your laws in Canada, but since you both appear to have little money and no kids, it should be relatively simple. You should at least consult an attorney to find out your rights. Is your visa depending on you staying married - could you be deported if you were divorced? Find out your rights.

As for women's centers, there are some in Toronto, which is where I think you said you were - check the yellow pages.

If you are Chinese or South Asian, here are some resources
http://riwc.ca/
http://sawc.org/
And these are more general:
http://www.interimplace.com/communityoutreach.html
http://www.ywcatoronto.org/

[shootingtears]

thanks a lot ...