[pneuman76]

Hi. I have never sat down and done this before, although it has been on my mind to do this for quite some time now. I'm not sure if I am writing this in hope that someone out there will help shed some light on my situation or for me to just get some stuff off my chest. Well - here it goes.
I'm 36 and approaching my 4th year of marriage. In many respects, I feel I am very lucky, but there are times when I want to just get in my car and drive off the planet. My wife and I can be best of friends, but we also can fight with a fury that that the Gods would envy. It's not easy to manage a marriage these days. We both work a lot. My wife works M-F and is gone from 830am - 730pm. It's a long day. I own my own business so I have a little more flexability, but lately my job has been more demanding than hers. Not to compare, but she goes to one office everyday and I go to several clients. I suppose the issues I have in marriage are that I was brought up in a traditional European household. My Dad worked and my mother also worked, but got home earlier and cooked dinner every night. My wife does not cook at all. She also has issues with cleaning. I am for more domestic than she is in the kitchen and throughout the entire house. I can't recall the last time she attempted to cook anything. It's been years.
Lately when we fight, it is usually a control issue. She thinks I want to control everything. She is partially right. I also know what usually happens when she is left with the task at hand. It usually ends up pretty bad. So in a way, I feel I have to control everything because she might louse it up. Trust me, I would much rather have a 50/50 task responsability marriage, but my wife has made it clear to me that she works all day and has no time to prepare meals or clean. I can understand that, but it still leaves me with the problem. Who is going to feed us? I can cook, but I also lack the time. We eat out every night and I hate it.
Just yesterday I got so upset that I had a temper fit and kicked a hole in the door. This seems extreme I am sure, but let me lead you up to the event. It is the day before Thanksgiving and we both decided to take the day off as we are having the family over. At 7:30am, my phone begins ringing with clients and emails start pouring in. This goes on for 3 hours and finally when it starts to simmer down, I lay on the couch and take my first sip of coffee. Then my wife starts hammering into me about some ridiculous task that wasn't even important. I told her calmly not to worry about it, but she persisted and persisted until I just couldn't take it anymore. I yelled at her to leave me alone and took my coffee to the basement where I have a computer. I shut the door to the room rather hard and a picture fell off the wall and onto the desk. About a 1 foot drop. Nothing happened to it. About 5 minutes later, she came down to the room and started in on me again. Asking me if I had knocked the photo off the wall. I asked her if the house wasnt big enough and why she needed to be bothering me. She repeatedly asked about the photo and I told her I did not knock it off the wall ( nice of her to accuse me of that right? ) and then she said something else that was very rude and that was it. I yelled in a frenzy and kicked the door leaving a nice hole in it.
I am the most non violent non aggresive person you can ever come across. I have never been in a fight and have always been very kind to people. For me to have been driven to this, I must have been pretty agitated.
Why couldnt my wife have just let me have some time to relax? To be peaceful on the couch and enjoy my coffee. She knew I was handling work related issues for 3 hours before that on top of dealing with house issues (electrician and boiler problems). She's driving me completely insane and I don't know what to do about it.
The entire day went by and we didnt say a word to each other. I finally apologized for frightening her and we made up before the night was over.
My wife is also a serious hypochondriac and I am not over using the word. It's actually really bad and she is driving me nuts almost everyday with her constant complaints that she has cancer, tumors, aids, etc.......you name it, shes convinced she has it. Now it's starting to spread to me as she thinks I have problems because I sniff a lot due to allergies.
This morning it started again. She was obviously a nervous wreck and refused to let me help her in the kitchen even though I am by far (leaps and bounds) the better cook. In a very agitated and nervous tone she started asking me to do things. I asked her calmly to calm down and she snapped at me so I decided to leave and go to the basement.
I am sure I have bored to death whoever has read this far and I apologize. I know this is probably pretty common in marriages, but I am at the end of my rope. I love my wife dealy and cannot imagine life without her, but my real fear is this constant fight/make up relationship we have is going to give me a heart attack. I no longer have any influence with her and talking about my issues with her doesnt do anything. Am I supposed to give up trying and just keep this going forever? Truth is, I am not very happy. I need an outlet perhaps. I don't want to have an affair, but I am starting to think if I don't, I am going to go crazy.
If anyone has any advice for me, I am all ears. I am trying to do the right thing before I end up doing the wrong thing.
Thank you

[QueenAngie]

Welcome to the board!

You work fulltime, so does your wife. You are both very busy people.
Most families have both adults working fulltime out of the house these days.

As far as cleaning, why don't you hire a weekly housekeeper? That way the majority of the cleaning would be accomplished and leave you both more free time.

As far as cooking, apparently you get home earlier than your wife
and she does not like to cook.

Your european upbringing where the wife stays home and does all the cooking and cleaning.....
is a much different situation than what you and your wife have
in your marriage.

You both work fulltime.

I'm sensing that you are getting home from work, awaiting for your wife to arrive home after being gone for 11 hours and expecting her to cook a big dinner for you both.

Most women would look at you cross-eyed with your expectation.

Was this in your marriage vows? The wife will cook dinner after working 11 hours?

Try a different approach - once a month cooking. Put complete meals prepped and ready to bake or prebaked into your freezer.
We have lots of recipes on this site.

Or put something in the crockpot each morning before you leave for work. That way the main entree is prepared and just heating up a veggie or making a salad makes supper much easier. Chicken breasts, a whole chicken, a beef roast, chili, stew, meatloaf, etc.

I'm being presumptuous here, but after 4 years you have the 7 year itch thinking things are greener 'on the other side.' They aren't. Not at all.

As far as being non-violent, putting a hole in a door or wall and slamming the door so hard that a picture falls off the wall......
both those examples are violent and a sign of uncontrolled temper.

OK, she nags. Sounds like you do too.

Today is Thanksgiving and your wife did ask you for help in the kitchen,
particularly since you were having company.
Did you help her?
After all by your own discussion, you are the better cook.
I certainly hope that you did and that you helped w/ the dishes too.

(BTW, my DH did the simple chores I asked him to do today. He muttered,
but he knew it was important and he did them.
Putting in the heavy turkey to bake, taking out the turkey, carving the turkey.
He did all dishes too using the dishwasher & by hand, while I put the food away.
While he is not perfect, neither am I.
We had a lovely meal that we both
helped with. What a thing to be thankful for!)

A few counseling sessions would not hurt at this point. For you.
Maybe later as a couple.

I read your posting twice, and tried to answer your questions, so
hoping you will take the time and energy to make your marriage a great one!

Wishing you all the best!

[Misty]

When I read your message, I see two very tired, overworked people, both in need of a little understanding and relaxation. Maybe a weekend away could relieve a little stress?

It sounds like you are looking for a "traditional" marriage... since that isn't what you have, you have two choices: get out and get the traditional marriage you want or work with what you have. Since you love your wife, why not work with what you've got? Try to put aside your ideas of what a marriage "should" be and find ways to make this one work. Why should the wife do all the cooking? If we're talking traditional, a traditional wife doesn't work, yet yours does. She works very hard, very long hours. Why should she also kill herself at home? Why not find a way to make you both happy... maybe take turns cooking, or do as Angie suggested and use crockpot cooking and/or once a month cooking. I also think Angie's suggestion to hire a housekeeper is a good one.

You are both working hard and you both deserve time to relax. Oh, and another thing... (forgive me if I'm out of line) it seems you think your wife is to blame for all your problems. Maybe you should try looking at things from her point of view? And, as for slamming doors and kicking walls, only you are responsible for your actions... you can't really blame her for that!

Good luck... and cheating isn't the answer!
You

[Missingmyangel06]

wow lots of good advice here! I hope you take it. I see the same things and I only hope you dont go out cheating ur wife DOES NOT deserve that, i just see a stressed overworked woman who needs your help just like you need yours, work something out, take time and work for something you've invested so much in instead of looking elsewhere.

[cookiez]

I weekend getaway might just be the idea. And I don't think its just your marriage but many marriages this day and age will redefine that word over and over again. Communication is the key for this as I can say over again. Its not always the fun part of marriage but it can be a simple issue overlooked turning into a larger down the line if you dont communicate proper.

[Alejandros Mommy]

Thank you both for the advice. Though since this post is about a year old and the OP no longer with us I am going to lock it up.