[ihavefaith]

I went to my first assessment at Ohlhoff for my eating disorder condition. I have a constant obsession with my body image and weight which has turned me into a semi-bulimic/compulsive over eater. Diet after diet and failing and pushed me farther and farther away to becoming healthy. I have been fortunate to have a great boyfriend that has told me repetivitely he loves everything about me and always tells me he does not think i need to lose weight. i opened up to my personal trainer today and he, too, thinks i am "beautiful" and does not think i need or should lose weight. i am currently on the master cleanse/maple syrup diet for the 2nd time and i am not sure how long i will stay on this cleanse. maybe i will stay on this cleanse as soon as i get a therapist mtg set up with ohlhoff; they are suppose to call me monday afternoon to tell me if my insurance covers and a possible plan if they can help me. I ended my first cleanse last Tuesday (i did it for 17 days) and since i have stopped, i have had many episodes of binging and purged once. no one has ever told me to lose weight but for the last 8 years of my life i have always thought i look fat and need to lose weight. i have lost weight before doing it the healthier way (eating healthy and regular exercising) but accordingly to the therapist at Ohlhoff, during that time it was classified as "restictive eating" since i would only eat certain things and ate the same thing every day. i hate living my life this way. i am usually a very happy and outgoing person but this time i have reached rock bottom. i have lost interest in going out with my friends because they are skinny and i am not. i feel embarrassed and fat being around them. the only people i hang out with now is my ex bf (broke up 6 mos ago) whom i am currently somewhat seeing and 1 other friend because they are guys and i feel comfortable around them even though i still complain about being fat from time to time. my ex bf has been very supportive. he even said he will do whatever it takes to help me which includes going to group mtgs with me at Ohlhoff whenever i get started with that. i am back on the master cleanse because i tried to do what the therapist said; we had planned out what i would be eating until the phone call on monday but i lost control and began to binge so that is why i am now back on the cleanse until i get the phone call or until i reach my goal which will take no more than 14 days. i know i need help. i want my life back. but i also need to know i have mtgs set up before stopping this cleanse and i would prefer to get to 120 lbs because at least i will be at a "good" weight.

height: 5'4"
current weight: 134lbs home scale /136lbs gym scale
goal: 110-120lbs

[mcmama]

120 lbs is a good weight.

136 lbs is not a bad one.

Why does size matter to you when you look at yourself next to your friends? What do the guys see when they look at you? An attractive girl?

Faith, honey, as long as you are attractive, healthy, and active, it does not matter who is thinner than you. What matters is you.

Don't stay on the cleanse too long - it is meant to be just a cleanse to jump start a diet, not a long term thing. I think you are doing the right thing to listen to your therapist and your trainer. And yes, it is good that you are going to meetings.

Whether you are 120 or 136, stay healthy, active, and focus on you, not the food or what it does to you or for you.

Hang in there till Monday, and let us know how the setting up the meetings goes. Hopefully insurance will cover it for you, but if not, perhaps there are other solutions as well.

[ihavefaith]

mcmama; thank you for your response. it means a lot to me.

size matters to me when i stand next to my friends because i am the "fat" or the "bigger" one in the group. i stand "out" i am not as skinny as they are which makes me less attractive than them.

i dont know what guys see when they look at me but i "think" they see someone that is "fat" with "fat" arms and legs. someone that is "fat" and not skinny. i have had a couple of great bfs in my life and in the last several months attempted to date around and have found a different person each month that never developed into anything serious which lead me to think "maybe if i was skinner or if i wasn't so fat" it probably would have worked out even though i didn't care to develop a serious relationship with them because my heart belongs to my last ex bf which right now we're sort of seeing each other again. (i was the one that broke it off primarily to experience life being single which i never did before but have exp. in the last several months and have come to realize its fun for a while but my life was great before when i was with my ex)

i know my mind is distorted with how i look at my body in the mirror but i dont know how to get rid of it.

i already know that my insurance does cover and i just have to pay the copay. it is also classified under "severe mental illnesses" but the therapist at ohlhoff has to contact them to get an approval for me to have weekly visits until august which is when i can be admitted into their 16wk intensive outpatient program for eating disorders.

i am almost done with day 1 of the master cleanse. ideally i want to stay on it for 2 wks because i know i will drop at least 10-15lbs which will bring me down to 120-125lbs and then end it with attempting to eat healthy again but who knows what will happen until i get the phone call on monday. i know the therapist wont be happy to hear that i went against what she said about getting off of the cleanse yesterday but i did try but failed and right now i have to be on this cleanse until i have concrete set mtgs with a therapist to help me with this "mental illness"

food is the devil right now. eating anything will result into binging. i hate this. in my mind, i think, i will just have some cabbage soup, then i end up some bread, then some chocolate, then some danishes, then the list continues and my self esteem goes down because yet again i have failed to Just eat the soup.

i hate this.

[ihavefaith]

oh yeah; mcmama... your response to my first post...

Originally Posted by mcmama

120 lbs is a good weight.

136 lbs is not a bad one.

i appreciate your response but see how you said 120lbs is a "good weight" that is where i want to be. at a "good" weight. even though 136lbs is "not a bad weight" but it is not classfied as "good"

i am sorry, i may sound horrible but i just want to fit in to what everyone things is "good" or "skinny"

[mcmama]

I guess you are focusing on the details.

120 is a good weight. 136 is also good if you are 5'4". But you want to be 120. So that is why I said "not bad".

If you are 136, that is by no means a failure - and for some folks, that would be a real success.

I am way overweight. I am working with a doctor on general health issues, including weight control. I am at the age where salt and cholesterol are matters of life and death! There is a Father's Day church picnic tomorrow, and I am hoping I can stick to the salads. But we have fabulous cooks who make wonderful fried things, so I just hope I have self control.

But if I don't I cannot beat myself up about it. And really, no one is going to notice whether I eat or not except me.

I find that the worst time for me to eat too much is at night. It is just so tempting to snack when relaxing or reading. And once I start, it is tempting to just keep going without even thinking about it. Carbs really pull me in.

It is really strange, I guess we are opposites - I see a thinner person in the mirror usually than I see when I look at myself in photographs alongside other women. But I am not thin, I really am fat. I don't like that about myself and I work on it and struggle with it. Always have.

Fat or thin, I basically like the person I see in the mirror despite the fluctuation of 50 lbs over 10 years. Being with thin women does not bother me.

Well, tomorrow is a day to start fresh for both of us! Good luck, and let us know how things go. Keep in touch.

I'll let you know how I make out at that picnic.

[ihavefaith]

mcmama: when it comes to weight, body image, food; i brain focuses on the details greatly!

i think i have seen in many places that for someone that is 5'4", they should be 110-140lbs and even though i fall into that "healthy" range, my brain tells me i am fat.

how do you do it? not beat yourself up for indulging in food when you were hoping not to? because everytime i do that, i feel horrible about myself. i use to eventually get over it but more recently it will just lead to episodes of binging. even though i know it will not make me feel any better, i dont know how to stop.

wow we really are opposites. when i look in the mirror; i always see "fat" there are so many parts of my body where i can say is "fat" even when i went down to 124lbs. there was only one part of my body that i thought i can actually see i lost weight which was my stomach but that is it.

tomorrow is a new day. and it will be day 2 of the cleanse for me. even though i plan on doing this for 2 weeks, wednesday night i will break it and have a family dinner for father's day then back on it again. i dont think one meal will affect it as long as i know i am going right back on the cleanse so in a way i am scared that i will binge but i am hoping i wont.

good luck to you at the father's day picnic! you sound very strong! i think you will be okay

[ihavefaith]

i am done with day 2 of my cleanse and i am still shooting for 7-14 days. although i HAVE to go to a dinner on wednesday, that will be the only meal i will have while on this cleanse. right after that dinner i am back on it until i reach my goal weight.

today i opened up my disease to a friend. it felt good. she is the 3rd person that knows about what i am going through. i am tired of being hidden away from the world. initially i thought it will help me get through this but after talking to her, it was nice to hang out with people again. i told her we'll go out and eat next time, she said we didn't have to necessarily go out to "eat" but we can just take a walk since i am still fighting this disease. it was really nice that she said that. she also said before i told her about my disease that it looked like i lost weight. i can tell i haven't because my stomach isn't as flat as it was when i did the cleanse for 17 days.

i came home and my mom asked me to eat dinner. i told her i ate already but she was wondering what i was eating because i look like i lost weight as well. what is wrong wtih my vision. why do i see "fat" when i look at myself in the mirror when others have said i look like i've lost weight. although the comments about me losing weight doesn't necessarily mean i am "skinny"

i am looking forward to the phone call from ohlhoff tomorrow.

[mcmama]

I had some success today. I limited the portions at the picnic, avoided the chips and cheesecake, and had some salad for dinner. I am having carb cravings, but drinking lots of water so that fills me up.

Passing up the cheesecake was hard because the lady who makes them is a pro and has catered in NYC.

If you are not eating, but telling people that you did, they are going to worry about you. Do you feel any emotional pressure when that happens?

Anyway, good luck with the phone call. I am sure tomorrow will be a good day.

[MissyChrissy]

(((HUGS))) Keep getting the help and support you need. 136 is certainly NOT a bad weight. I hope you find a place where you can accept and love the body you have now. You don't want to become unhealthy. I wish you all the best in your quest for good health.

[ihavefaith]

Originally Posted by mcmama

I had some success today. I limited the portions at the picnic, avoided the chips and cheesecake, and had some salad for dinner. I am having carb cravings, but drinking lots of water so that fills me up.

Passing up the cheesecake was hard because the lady who makes them is a pro and has catered in NYC.

If you are not eating, but telling people that you did, they are going to worry about you. Do you feel any emotional pressure when that happens?

Anyway, good luck with the phone call. I am sure tomorrow will be a good day.

congrats mcmama! you have such great strength and power! I KNOW its hard to pass up the cheesecake especially made by a pro!

when my family asks if i have eaten and i say i did, even tho i really didn't; i do feel a little pressure but i also feel bad. there are times where i WANT to go out and eat with my family because its "family time" but right now i want to get to a certain weight before doing so.

today i completed day 3 of the cleanse and i failed. at 6pm, i binged. i ate a couple of pieces of quesadilla's with the kids for afternoon snack along wtih some wheat thins, salten crackers with chive&olive spread AND salmon spread as well as 9 shortbread cookies i felt so bad. i called my friend and told him what happened but he said one day will not affect me THAT bad and just stay strong. I was going to cancel my training session with my trainer but felt bad to do it last minute so i went anyway. after the training, i felt so happy i didn't cancel because i truly felt better afterwards. plus if i didn't go, i could have gone home and just continue feeling depressed from my binge and ate some more. after the gym, i talked to my brother at the gym for a little bit and it was nice to get some more support from him in finding ways to reintroduce food back into my life because he, too, is not happy that i am living off of just liquids right now. i did come home and had some blueberries and watermelon. i didn't feel bad eating those things because in my mind they are considered "healthy/good" food compared to the "bad/fatty" food such as the quesadilla, wheat thins, short bread cookies and salten crackers w/ spread. so i was thinking of possibly having a fruit a day first along with while doing my cleanse but i think tomorrow wont be a good day to do that because initially i was going to do the cleanse and reward myself with the family dinner i HAVE to go to Wednesday night but since i failed today, i will stick to my cleanse tomorrow as well as half of Wednesday before the family dinner and continue back on Thursday.

i just HAVE to get down to 110-120lbs before i get off this cleanse otherwise mentally i will stay depressed.

oh yeah, i got the call from ohlhoff, she called me today just to tell me that she was way too busy today with clients to call my insurance but she will be contacting them Tuesday and will call me in the afternoon to let me know what is going on. so i'm waiting for that. i hope i get good news. and i hope i get to my ideal weight soon so i can slowly start introducing "real" food back into my life ... slowly. i want to fight this disease... i hope i can eventually...