[tmwhalens]

At the risk of completely repeating myself from another thread in another forum, I'll try to keep this very short. My wife and I are currently separated (not legally). Basically, she has our son and I do not know their whereabouts. If she is where I 'think' she is, then I have about 2-3 months to file divorce in Kentucky, if I expect to have a decent shot at getting a decent amount of custody with my child. If she is really in Kentucky, then I can file at any time. In a nutshell she abandoned the marriage (for reasons which I agree, but I do not agree with her completely denying me any access to my son) and has answered my question to her uncle "Does she want divorce?" with (through her uncle to me) something like "She wants to resolve some of her own issues before making any big issues". So, I don't know how to read her response. If I wait over 2-3 months for her to make a decision (she's been gone for over a month) and she files divorce, then I am likely screwed in terms of ever being a major (and just a very insignficant) part of my son's life. If I file divorce, then most likely my wife and I will never be together again (has she really already said that she doesn't want to be with me?), and there is a real risk that she may try and go stealth for as long as she can, so that my son is not found. Some of her family have a strong influence over her, and they are likely to push for her to not do anything that might reveal where she or my son are. How would you all handle this if you were in my shoes?

[wanttobemommy]

Personally I think the best way to approch this is to go and get a lawyer who can help you make the right legal decisions. And I think that for your sake it would be best to go see a therapist. They can help you clarify where you are and what is going on. They can also speak on your behalf. Whenever you get a divorce and a child is involved it is best for both parties to go seek counceling. I filed for Divorce back in May 08. I was denied my divorce because the Judge said we rushed the divorce and said that we had to go to marriage counseling in order to get the divorce. They said that even if we decided not to go through with it we should go see therapist for indivdual evaluations. Honestly if you agree with her for some of the reasons for divorce then you know the reason as to why this is all happening. I have no idea what the underlying cause of this is but honestly therapy/counseling is the best way to figure it all out. It also helps because if there is issues anger,drinking or whatever (not saying there are) then you can get help with whatever it is. As for the lawyer it is never a good idea to file for anything legal without one. I filed for my divorce and filled out my own papers. I did consult a lawyer to figure out what I could do legally. But I didnt have money for Lawyer. I think if your concerned about not having equal rights you will want to do whatever it is to make sure that the judge is willing to look at both sides equally. It looks better on you if you speak to a therapist about what is causing your marriage to fail and to make sure you do everything legally with a lawyer. If you do something on your own and do it wrong then you might risk loosing your chance.

[browneyes01]

I think you should look into to getting a really good lawyer. As the boys biological father you have rights to see your son. first you need to find out exactley where she is keeping your son and go from there maybe you should find out if youcan file for custody before you go through with the divorce.

[tmwhalens]

I can file for custody (at least up until the month of May) because I am from Kentucky and that is where my son was born and raised (until December 200. The problem is that I do not have the money for an attorney, let alone a counselor. I've already seen a therapist for my gender issues. What I need is to find out how I can get my therapist up there in court to speak on my behalf. I have asked her via voicemail more than once for a copy of my documentation, and have hinted that I would like her to speak on my behalf, and she hasn't really responded to my requests. Is she maybe feeling that she might be liable for damages, or that she has some responsibility in all of this? She is the one that told me that I would not lose my son if I proceeded with transitioning, and well....I did lose my son. So far, after calling me attorneys it seems few in the Cynthiana/Georgetown (even Lexington?), Kentucky area have much experience dealing with "interstate children" cases, because most of the time one spouse doesn't do something as irrational and mean-spirited as taking off to a secret spot on the planet with the child(ren) in the hopes of passing time until residency has been established. That brings up another issue. I do not have money to spend on a private investigator to 'locate' my son's whereabouts so that I can at least have her served with divorce papers. Maybe having the sheriff show up at her sister's house would do the trick, maybe not. But at least filing FIRST and BEFORE May would give jurisdiction of this case to the state of Kentucky.

[wanttobemommy]

There are lawyers who can take on your case for free. In the USA there are resources and outlets. If your wife took of with you son and isnt allowing you access then it is wrong. BUT right now she isnt doing anything illegal. I hate to say it but you are not legally seperated so there is no proof that she took the child away from you when you are still legally together then she can take the child anywhere legally. I know that sucks but if you really want to see your son and have it done soon then you need to seek an attorney and a therapist

[tmwhalens]

What on earth is seeing a therapist going to do for me, in terms of helping me to see my son again? Is she going to say "Yes, you are transgendered"? I already know I am! Is she going to say "You must love your son very much, bla bla bla"? Of course, I am devastated that my son is not in my life. Unless a therapist is going to show up in court on my behalf and say "He is not in any way a danger to his son, and he is not ever going to take hormones again or crossdress", then I fail to see how getting a therapist at this point (when I don't have the money in the first place) is going to do any good. And, as for the lawyers. Show me one site, ONE SITE, where a lawyer has advertised that he or she will take on a case like mine in Kentucky, a case involving a transgendered client whose wife has taken their child across state lines into the New England area. I have yet to run into one lawyer that has the aggressiveness and the experience with interstate cases and transgenderism, let alone that will do it for free. Please, if you can truly point me to some lawyer that fits these rather simple criteria, and they will take my case, I will gladly apologize to you.

[mcmama]

Lawyers do not work for free. Sometimes therapists do, or on a sliding scale.

You need therapy to deal with your grief. Period. Just like any straight husband would.

Deciding not to be transgendered does not have an impact legally on your case. What matters is establishing that you would be a stable parent. A lawyer needs to work on this with you - courts are complicated. You could file pro se, but it is very difficult.

Even though you are not transgendered, you might want to contact Lambda legal about an attorney, since transgender will undoubtedly be an issue in any custody hearing.

[tmwhalens]

I appreciate everyone's input, and mcmama I appreciate the private discussion we've had about certain issues. Yesterday I came to the realization, as hard-headed as I am, that I << am >> transgendered, but and that I do not have control over. You can change who you 'are'.

What I have control over is what I 'do'. And I am choosing to live my life as male. I think that is the most sane, sensible answer I can give to anyone that might question why I have done the things I did, and where I am going with my life. I am not afraid to tell the court what I just said above in this post.

Surely any reasonable judge would agree with my decision to do what what I FEEL is in my son's best interest.

I did go to the Lambda Legal, and was able to find a contact page. There really doesn't seem to be much else on that site, but I may just be missing something. I am about to start working with a Christian counselor (a female). I am sure that someone will wonder how I am going to deal with being trangendered.

If the court were to say to me "You being transgendered and doing what will make you happiest will have no negative effect on your ability to care for your son" I would proceed carefully, making plans to at least live some sort of dual life.

Otherwise, I would just stay as a male and be grateful for all other things in my life that make my happy. My son, my wife (with sincere hope), my surrounding family, my job, my health.

[Airmanswife1999]

Have you ever tried reading on Family Law? I know since you cannot afford an Attorney, and yes they can be very costly, maybe you can get a law book and read on certains cases that maybe similar to yours.