[exhaustedbylies]

Hi all,
My wife and I will legally separate by the end of the month. I discovered many infidelities, both financial and otherwise. She is a pathological liar of epidemic proportions. I couldn't conjure up this malicious villain if I were Stephen King. However, we have a beautiful 5-year old boy who loves us both dearly. We never disrespected each other in regards to our child, until now. My child disclosed to me that a new guy comes to the house, and visits quite frequently. Since she is still married, both legally and through the church, I was disgusted. I know that life goes on, but an introduction to someone new without discussing the impact it would have on our child? To me, that is crossing the line. Even worse, he is a friend of several couples in my former neighborhood, who I was friends with, and had a lot of interaction with their children. This guy has more access to our son's life than I do. I know I'll always be his dad and he knows who his daddy is, and how much he is loved. But I feel violated and threatened. She has no conscience about it. Separation is hard enough on a child- why add to the confusion? Any feedback would be greatly appreciated, and thanks for listening.

[mcmama]

You will legally separate, or divorce? You are out of the house now?

Is the new guy staying the night? Is your five year old witnessing anything he should not? What kind of visitation do you have? What kind of custody? How is infidelity financial?

Lots of questions, I know - but there should be no reason why the new guy has more to do with your son than you do. Also, if your wife is that unfaithful, the new guy won't be around long but your relationship with your son (and his mother) is long term.

If you are afraid that your wife is an unfit mother, you should document all that is going on and file for custody. Usually a woman does not discuss her new love with her ex, but single parents do have to be careful about bringing new relationships into a young child's life.

[Kristin1981]

I do see where you are coming from but, then again that is a fact of life in a divorce and seperation...I am recently divorced as of last Sept...I have a son who will be 5 in March and a 2yo with my ex husband...He is feeling alot of the feelings you do knowing I have a bf and we have 6 month old twins...He doesn't want my bf aroung HIS kids as he says...Seperation is hard not only on a child but a adult as well...My kids know who their daddy is and they both love their daddy so much but, I couldn't live with my ex husband and have my children growing up around the abuise and fighting...
If she were to move on and remarry again another man will be around your child 90% of the time...It is something that you just have to accept with life...
Just keep in contact with your son alot and visit with him as much as you can...
You are his daddy and he is old enough to know that and that you love him...

[exhaustedbylies]

Thanks for the replies.
We will legally separate by the end of the month. I live with my parents. The hardest thing for me is not waking up with my son, or going to bed with him. Since we are getting a disillusion, my visitation is open-ended, therefore I am thankful that the courts won't decide my time with him. I do not believe the guy stays the night, or that my son is witnessing anything, but I will never know. I don't ask him, but he discloses the info that his mom won't provide. He even said that I should meet the new guy (!), but mommy said no. I have documented all the verbal abuse, character assassinations, spiteful actions, lies, etc. But she wears her mask well. Infidelity comes in many forms, not just an affair or inappropriate behavior. She has put us in debt so far beyond our means, with credit cards. No accountability, and nothing to show for it. I worked to support my family, she works to spend compulsively. Again, I realize that life goes on. I don't care who she sees. It's just to new for me to grasp the reality of the situation. But I would NEVER subject my son to another woman, at least not now, out of respect for his relationship with his mother.

[mcmama]

You have to stop encouraging your son to tell you these things. By listening, you encourage him. He thinks this is a way to please you. He probably gives mommy an ear full too. Children learn very quickly how to manipulate, play both ends against the middle. It is a way they stay in control of the uncontrollable. They can't help it, but you can. Children will often innocently say you should meet mommies nice new friend. You have to lead him in a direction where he knows that you don't want to listen to what's going on with mommy, you just want to know how he is doing and what he is feeling.

If your visitation is open ended, take all the openings you can to be there. No reason not to. But you can't obsess about who your soon to be ex wife is with.

I am not clear about the difference between dissolution and divorce. Custody agreements can be written with the cooperation of both parties. I'll bet that if you pushed to have more visitation, she would probably want a custodial agreement more clearly defined - that's a good thing, because it means stability and predictability for the child.

You cannot control your stbx wife's behavior, but you can control your response to it. I've been villified as a liar, a cheat, a thief, accused of character assassination for bringing up legitimate issues. My ex tried to punish me for divorcing him by filing for custody, running up a lot of legal bills, and making the most routine decisions that involved him into huge dramas where the whole family awaited his decision. He wanted to make sure everyone knew I was evil, not to be trusted. Even the receptionist in the doctor office had to know how evil I was. It was embarrassing. Meantime, guess who was responsible for the kids 24/7? Not the drama queen. My kids have a relationship with him - one they have developed on their own, setting their own boundaries. Iin his house that is difficult because he never allows anyone any privacy, and goes through stuff, walks in on them in the bathroom, etc. But they have confronted him about that. And he knows, if he invades them the way he invaded me, he will lose them.

Bottom line is, none of what your stbx wife is or does keeps you away from your son. I have a male friend who got a very raw deal with custody and support, he supports his wife and her lover in what used to be his house, neither works, and he pays most of what he makes to them. But he still sees his kids regularly and they are very close. Takes a lot of strength, a lot of character, but you need to do it because age 5 is just the beginning of the relationship. Build it now, and you will find when he is a teen that you don't regret laying the foundation, even if it means you have to put up with a lot of crap.

[BonusMom]

Dear Exausted,

I know how you feel, although I am a bonus mom to my husbands daughter, My husband had the same concerns. My husband is now the custodial parent and the mother has moved out of state to be with boyfriend. You have to watch not only what you say to the child, but also what type of "evidence" you present to the courts. Somethings will make you look spiteful or that you want to paint the mother out to be a "bad mom" more than you want to to paint yourself to be a "stable father".

I can help, and I know many others that can help!!! Through all this. I know this is a "family" website but it does not specialize in child custody. go to www.winchildcustody.com Or the connected childcustody.org. I found it 5 years ago and I have never stopped going there for advice. You may even find me, my name is the same.

[exhaustedbylies]

I appreciate the link from bonusmom, thank you very much.
One thing I should clear is that I never encouraged my son to tell me anything. The next time he brought it up, I did as you said- changed the subject to what is going on his life. We have corrected him when he tried to get his way with the other parent, after the first parent made a decision to discipline. Example: She tells him no, he runs to me, and I say to him that your mom said no and you have to respect that.

The disillusion is a separation agreement, in which we decide the visitation, whereas in a divorce, the courts decide, and dad has scheduled visits. I am grateful that I have leniency in this matter, which is the most important aspect of my life.

I know some of my responses have been irrational; mostly because it is new to me, and she doesn't seem to care at all. But the lying and character assasinations are her way of life. It really is sad. Small things, big things, recurring inconsistencies, sloppiness, and denial. It stems from a form of ill mental health, which happens to run in her family. I was treated for depression and anxiety, because I recognized that I had a problem. She would never be honest with herself to do that, and would be malicious if it was suggested to her. So many lives have been affected along the way, and I believe at this point one would have to question has any of this behavior made MY life any better?

I once received a phone call from a woman who was going to have a pampered chef in-house party. She asked for my wife, and wanted to express her concern about my wife's 80-something grandma. The woman said she is praying for her recovery and for my wife to be strong. So my wife actually garnered sympathy from this woman, and her gram is alive and well. She couldn't just say the truth about not wanting a pampered chef party, or that she may or may not be busy. Imagine dealing with someone who speaks untruths on a daily basis, and having years worth!!

I always was the manager and budgeter in the household, and usually one of us would pay the mortage, while the other would write out the rest of the bills. She would tell me she handled some of our bills, yet I would see all the late charges. Then I found one of those giant freezer bags, loaded with piles of bills. Some of them 2 and 3 statements old. Including our auto insurance!! The magic freezer bag doesn't make the bills go away! At least tell me so I can make good on our responsibilities!!

I will never comply with lies that are incorporated into my son's life. Your right- I will take full advantage of the golden moments I spend with him. I always have from day one. That relationship is indeed impenetrable. I guess I initially felt threatend by the guy's open window into my son's life, and the time he spends in the house I once owned, in all of my son's environment. I could care less who she sees. Exposing our son to it is a different story. Life goes on, and I will have to eventually accept that there really are no boundaries.

[mcmama]

Sounds like you are a good guy and coming from a good place, mentally. You have a very tough road.

Just keep being involved in that boy's life on a daily basis. Let everyone know what the truth is about you. That makes it more difficult for her lies to stick.

I have a friend whose husband did that with the bills while she was sick. Once she got well, she had to clean up the financial mess. They're still married, but this is a major problem for them, and it keeps coming up. He was just being irresponsible. In my marriage, my ex paid all the bills - and I never saw a lot of them because he was hiding stuff from me. So I understand how that is!

Keep letting us know how you and your little boy are doing. Parenting is a tough job, and you have some support here.

[BonusMom]

"the courts decide, and dad has scheduled visits."

Wrong.

Why cant you have custody? Why arent you trying for that? The days of thinking a woman has to raise the child are out. It is a different time and Woman want to work and want men to step up to the plate and help parent. Men know how to change diapers now, and are more than glorified babysitters! They are fathers! EQUALLY important as the mother. This is why the courts got ride of the Tender Years Doctrine and said that the mother gets custody under a certain age.

Studies show that little boys learn how to be men from the men in their lives. They learn how to treat woman, how to treat themselves and how to be fathers. Who do you want to be teaching this to him? The boyfriends? The boyfriends that will be coming through his house with his mother? I'm not saying she is going to be setting up a revolving door, but even if she dates one guy and it doesn't work out and next year she dates anouther one. If she cant stay with one person then he will learn that men (like himself) are expendible and used by women.

I'm uncomfortable with your statement because it sounds like you have all these problems with how she is doing things but you want to settle for court ordered visitation. Go for the gold buddy, and if it doesnt work out at least you still have your court ordered visitation and a son who knows you fought hard for him even though you didnt make it.

[oldmama]

"Life goes on, and I will have to eventually accept that there really are no boundaries."

Oh, there are boundaries all right. They're just the ones you set.

I read all the posts and it sounds like you are sad, confused, devistated and a bit angry. And if we are to tell the truth, there are no victims or villians. I'm sure if you were paying attention, your stbxw showed you who she was, in regards to lying and poor financial judgement.

I know, I've been there. My last husband, when I initially met him, I thought, pretty boy and a cheat, but I'll just play with him for a weekend. Well, that weekend turned into ten years of cheating, not paying bills and mental/physical abuse. Too many police at our house. They knew us personally.

You draw the boundaries as you can for yourself and your environment. You can't do it for her.

I'd follow the advice of the wise posters here and just do everything you can to have the best quality relationship with your son. I'll add, work on yourself so you don't have your head in the sand for the next relationship. I think you are due a beautiful one if you practice seeing and telling yourself the truth.

love & blessings