[Rebecca83]

well I am going to see a lawyer this week.... I am finally tired of it all. He and I got into a fight about it. He said you think a judge is going to side with you over a soldier? I said you think a judge is going to think what you did wasn't cheating on me?? And you think a judge is going to agree with you taking away my means of transportation?? So, I called a lawyer this morning. I'm tired of crying over him... I have been crying since January and now I just want him out of my life. He started crying when I talked to him asking me why we couldn't be friends... friends???? are you serious???? I have spent almost a decade of my life with this man but I cannot and will not be friends with him after it is over. I am so frustrated. I told him a judge was going to say we were both wrong... but he said from the time I left that day we were seperated and I said no! I said there was no legal document that says we were separated, you just left... that doesn't mean we were separated. UGH! He makes me angry. Anyway, just thought I would give you guys an update. I'm just nervous now because I know once I see the lawyer that this is it, its over and done with and it makes me sad.

[mcmama]

I really feel very sad for you both.

Allow the lawyer to present your case with as many facts as possible. Chances are you can finish this up. As far as believing a soldier over you, that is nonsense. There may be some sympathy for him being in Afghanistan, but people do get divorced. A judge will decide what is fair in accordance with the laws of your state for each of you. But more likely your attorneys will negotiate a settlement.

[slygirrl]

I'm sorry it finally came to this for both of you, but speaking from experience (since I am in the very same boat as we speak) it could be for the best. You guys don't have kids so taking the "I can't be frends with him" route I get, mine isn't as simple, but I do understand it. I wouldn't be friends with mine either if we didn't have kids. The beginning of a divorce is awful and all you're going to do at this point is point fingers and say "Well, a judge will say (fill in the blank)" A month into it we're still doing that on our end. Honestly it's like this, a judge doesn't care why you're there, how you got there or what happens after you're done. The judge will not be biased by him being in the military, or who cheated on who. Your division will be what's fair according to your state's guidelines. The whole who did what whether there was a legal separation or not can matter if you live in a fault state, and even then grounds don't count for much, they are solely symbolic. BUT keep in mind, anything that goes on with EITHER of you can count now too. Just because you are filing (or in my case have filed) anything you do from this point until it's finalized can matter if you live in a fault state.

My advice to you is this, stay strong, this is the hardest thing you will ever LIVE through. It will be hard and likely be bitter for a while but you will get through it. Lean on family and friends (as well as all of us here) as much as you can because those are going to be the people who can get you through this. I also suggest a counselor. The stages of divorce mirror that of someone dying. It's the same emotional rollercoaster. I finally came out of the crying stage and have now hit anger, and I can deal with anger normally, but divorce brings out a whole new meaning of angry. There will be moments of weakness where you think he's going to change and let me tell you I have seen those weaknesses a few times in my own divorce, and if you choose to rescind your divorce, it's your choice, but whatever got you to this point will likely still be there. Good luck to you and if you need to talk to get through this I highly recommend doing so, you will get through it and you will learn a lot about yourself in the process. I know I have.

[Rebecca83]

Thanks for the responses.... I went to see the lawyer on Thurs. since we do live in a fault state.... she said my best option is to stay married to him until he comes home that if I file now I won't get any spousal support. In my state if there is any kind of adultery then no alimony or spousal support is awarded. So she told me to come back about 2-3 weeks before he comes home and we can file then. I told her what he did and she said it was still committing adultery because we are still married. I wish someone would explain that to him because he still thinks he didn't cheat! UGH! Anyway, so I am stuck because I don't have a good enough job to support myself right now and as long as he and I are married he has to give me money every month. He is still calling almost every day telling me I am his best friend... But has made is clear that we aren't going to work things out.

[Alejandros Mommy]

Yes but the adultery thing could also 'nick you in the butt' as you also have cheated on your husband. Did you tell your lawyer that? If so what did he advise for you? I really hope you can get this resolved soon.

[Rebecca83]

Yes I told the lawyer that I cheated, that is why I can't get the spousal support. The lawyer didn't really say anything because he cheated too, we are both at fault. We just talked about splitting our assets and things like that. Most likely we will be able to do this quickly as long as he doesn't fight with me about anything. We are going to try to do this uncontested. I just hope it goes smoothly, I am tired of being hurt and crying all the time.