[Herb]

I know there have been a few threads like this already but I really could really use some help with this situation. I know I sound like a complete insensitive pig and I feel guilty about my feelings toward my wife but I can't seem to help it.

Here's some background. When I met my wife we were already in our thirties and she already had kids from a previous marriage. Sense then she was a knockout and very slim. She hasn't had any more children but she has gained 50 pounds. She is now in her late thirties. I know that we all age with time but she has completely let herself go. She eats junkfood pretty often and doesn't work out that much. I've tried to talk with her about it but she just says that I should love her for who she is and that the outside shouldn't matter.

Here's the kicker. I am in better shape now then when we got married (really I am). My body has become more muscular and for the first time in my life I can lift up my shirt and actually see a six pack. I still have a little bit to go but I am well on my way to reaching my fitness goals. My wife loves it. She wants to have sex more these days and she is always making comments about how good my body looks. When she does this I'm thinking (what a double standard). When it comes to her weight the outside isn't suppose to matter but she sure did like it when my outside became more fit. I wish I could get the same from her. I really don't enjoy having sex with her the way that I used to. I keep finding myself making excuses to avoid having sex. She doesn't want to be overweight herself but at this time she isn't willing to make the necessary sacrifices to loose the weight.

Does anybody have any suggestions??

[twinzplus3]

My husband and I work out together if possible. Is this an option?

[MJ7]

Twinz had a great suggestion and that's what my dh and I do as well.

Another suggestion is approaching your dw's weight issue from another perspective. How about sharing your concern for her health. "Honey, this isn't just about you putting on weight visually; I'm really concerned that if you don't decide to take better care of your body, you are going to have some health issues and I love you too much to see you do this. I do love you for who you are and that's why I'd love it if you would hang out with me while I work out (or do something physical together or a diet together)." I will warn you, it's possible you could get some backlash, but as long as your concern is coming out of genuine love and concern and not pure selfish reason, sometime truth hurts. Just be sensitive. Some women find it easier to be in denial because the reality of weight gain is a lot to bear.

[mcmama]

I am sure that you are very attractive and feeling pretty good. That is good for yourself. Probably very frustrating that you cannot share the benefit of your well disciplined healthy practices with your wife.

My dad was super good looking (I didn;t get those genes) and much younger than my mom. She was 97 lbs when she married him, she was very small. After kids, she put on about 40 lbs. Believe me, that shows when you stand just 5 feet tall.

He always said that was ok, there was more of her to love. And they were very openly affectionate always.

When he died (also at a young age, suddenly), ironically, she lost the weight, because she pined away and did not feel like eating. Once the weight was gone, she did what she could for herself to keep it off, since there wasn't anyone around loving her no matter what.

People eat when they are happy, and when they are unhappy. Go figure!

[Herb]

Originally Posted by twinzplus3

My husband and I work out together if possible. Is this an option?

Thanks for responding

I would really like if my wife and I worked out together. We've talked about it before and she seemed interested but when it came down to actually doing it the follow through wasn't there. After awhile I didn't bring it up anymore because I didn't want her to take it as me nagging her about it.

[WA_Julie]

As a fattie (who's losing!) who is married to a very attractive man, I can sympathize with your wife. No amount of cajoling, admonishment, or pleading is going to change her. It has to come from her.

Want to speed that up? FORCE yourself to treat her like a queen. Find SOMEthing that is attractive about her and focus on that. Tell her every day how beautiful she is (all women are beautiful; with some you just have to dig a little deeper). She needs to feel that she is worthy of your love no matter what. When she does, she will eventually be ready to lose the weight. She WANTS to be attractive to you, even if you don't feel it. If you praise her for what's right, she'll find the way. You also need to be physical with her. If my dh is playfully and affectionately smacking my rear end, you can bet I'm going to be motivated to find ways to keep it toned.

Weight can also be a control issue, so if she is feeling that she doesn't have control, the weight may be a way of seeking that. She also might not know how to lose it. The health aspect that MJ mentioned is a good one. If she goes in for a complete physical, the doctor will certainly address the weight.

You can't do anything about her weight. It has to come from her. Try instead to focus on those things that you do find attractive about her. Does she have a sweet spirit, beautiful eyes, lovely hair, nice legs? Tell her!

And congrats on getting into shape yourself!

[dudeman]

I understand how painful this is for you. Your problem, it's HUGE because it has to do with your identity, ego and soul, right? HOWEVER,this is the best tiime of your life. How? Because what it's about is relationship and sacrifice in order to get what you want which is a better relationship, response and intimacy. LOVE.
Focus on you when you're alone and keep up with your health stuff, however, that's between you and YOU. Leave her out of it. Huh?
Don't worry about anything! Just start focusing on what it used to be like and start "memorizing" those feelings. Duplicate them when you're together and don't pressure her for anything.
Be kind. Be gentle. Remark how cute she did so and so. Let her know in little ways. LITTLE ways that she's important to you. This will begin to create an atmosphere of appreciation and will open up different levels and channels of communication, hence, receptivity. LITTLE ways, remember.
Do what you should do if you were perfect. A lot of that is being sensitive and understanding and NO PRESSURE for anything, including romance.
Mediate or pray. Much of mediation and prayer is receiving. Not so much as asking. God is ALL and you AIN'T all. lol
When mates grow the other can feel left behind and other stuff begins to build up before huge mountains are formed. DON'T PUT A TIME LIMIT on this.
Let it go and act as if something might happen in a year or two. If this seems crazy it's because you expect things too soon. Notice all of what I'm saying ends up making you a much better guy too.
She will react when she trusts and believes what she sees is authentic. Maybe you're not the man you thought you were. Few of us are and we all can improve and by you loving her without demands creates an envioronment for healing, trust, jokes, sensitivity, laughter, and the melting of many walls.
As you become a deeper man you'll allow her to leave the gravitational pull of her problems and she will want to join you in the sky. Remember though, what got you two to start flying is what will keep you there.
Be kind, honest, sincere, random acts of kindness show appreciation with nothing expected in return.
Your best days and years and decades are ahead of you. Now you will know what "making" love is all about. It's creating love and giving it and expect nothing in return. There is a season to germinate, plant and harvest. Take your time and you will reap!

Originally Posted by Herb

I know there have been a few threads like this already but I really could really use some help with this situation. I know I sound like a complete insensitive pig and I feel guilty about my feelings toward my wife but I can't seem to help it.

Here's some background. When I met my wife we were already in our thirties and she already had kids from a previous marriage. Sense then she was a knockout and very slim. She hasn't had any more children but she has gained 50 pounds. She is now in her late thirties. I know that we all age with time but she has completely let herself go. She eats junkfood pretty often and doesn't work out that much. I've tried to talk with her about it but she just says that I should love her for who she is and that the outside shouldn't matter.

Here's the kicker. I am in better shape now then when we got married (really I am). My body has become more muscular and for the first time in my life I can lift up my shirt and actually see a six pack. I still have a little bit to go but I am well on my way to reaching my fitness goals. My wife loves it. She wants to have sex more these days and she is always making comments about how good my body looks. When she does this I'm thinking (what a double standard). When it comes to her weight the outside isn't suppose to matter but she sure did like it when my outside became more fit. I wish I could get the same from her. I really don't enjoy having sex with her the way that I used to. I keep finding myself making excuses to avoid having sex. She doesn't want to be overweight herself but at this time she isn't willing to make the necessary sacrifices to loose the weight.

Does anybody have any suggestions??

[slygirrl]

Herb, I understand your predicament, but are you putting any pressure on her to be thinner? I'm not going to attack you or anything, but if she feels like you are pressuring her and she knows you aren't happy with how she looks- as she probably already isn't happy with her own looks- she could have depression, thus making her more reluctant to actually "get out there" and do something about it.

[Melly101]

Something that really changed me, and my husband, was to both read

"For Women Only" and "For Men Only" by Shaunti Feldhahn and her husband, Jeff Feldhahn.

Very honest, straightforward information. It's fun to read, and it will change the way you look at yourselves and each other. No more excuses about taking care of yourself, and your wife won't feel like you are singling her out about her weight.

Be fair and read 'For Men Only'. Don't just expect her to read her book. We read these in our Women's Book Club, and the books changed all of us, as wives!

Don't give up!
Melonie

[mumi_mckay]

this is a very hard and sensitive issue - especially with females my advice would be to look at yourself and see if you are not being shallow, beauty is on the inside. Your critisism is going to take away her self esteem and then you will have an unattractive wife. How much attention has your wife received while you have worked on your own appearance? Were you working on your personality as well?
To encourage healthy eating, do you help out by cooking meals together? The health benefits are more important than the cosmetic reasons for being healthy (not necesarily stick thin). Why not change your approach to your wife and her appearance. We women have an intuition and I am sure your wife feels you pulling back from being intimate, she maybe a little overweight but she not stupid. This behavior will not be helping your relationship.