[PlayThrough]

I think the best thing to hear is encouragement, like when she loses a pound, or just looks a bit slimmer.
Nothing can be more motivational than hearing "did you lose some weight?"

[QueenAngie]

Welcome, PlayThrough!

Very good advise that your on-line friends are sharing here.
Have you and DW made any progress?

[slaborcl]

Herb,

My wife gained considerable weight after our engagment and we've been married 20 years now.

I am muscular and don't really have to work at it (just lucky genes in that regard, I guess). She knows how much her appearance means to me and refuses to lose the weight.

The bottom line is, if there's something that bothers her, I do everything I can to make it right. She is a wonderful mother and a better person I've never met, but her weight has caused considerable pain for me over the years and even depression. She is NOT an over-eater and her weight is primarily a function of her metabolism and lack of activity.

Of course, you can NEVER bring up an issue like this because women will jump all over you saying you're insensistive and that you should buy her roses and exercise with her, etc. The bottom line is she should recognize how much this bothers you and make adjustments herself (It's called personal responsibility and respect for your marriage).

Good luck to ya!

[AKAMyAlias]

Slabor, why does HER appearance mean so much to you? Nobody gets everything in a marriage -- nobody's perfect. She's a wonderful mother and a great person. Fat people know they're fat. She obviously has some reason for staying that way, whether it's being overworked, underappreciated, or needing an area of life to keep control of. Get over yourself.

[slaborcl]

A marriage is all about what matters to your spouse. If your partner has a need, either emotional, physical or financial that you cannot (or will not) meet, their will be problems.

Obviously appearance isn't a big issue for you. I'm not saying it's ALL that matters, but it is a factor in relationships.

What matters to you? If you're dad had lots of affairs, maybe all you want is a guy that won't cheat. If you have no olfactory glands, maybe it doesn't matter if your parner stinks.

[selfhelpqueen]

Maybe I'm off my rocker here, Herb, but after reading your post, I got the impression that you're disgusted w/ your DW's habits. If I'm right and I got that from just reading your post, then I can't imagine the energy you're sending your DW's way. She has to know it in the way you act when she's around, the way you talk to her, the way you look at her. Trust me, she knows....that is IF I'm on the right track here.

My suggestion is to do what has been suggested here already and just learn to deal w/ it yourself privately but then appreciate her for those little things when you're together (and apart). Somewhere I've heard (and darn it!, I've found it's true) that when we are irritated by what someone else does, it's irritating to us because on some level it is what we do. So....the question then becomes, are you involved in some habits that disgust you about you? Are you wishing there were some things that you could gain control over? I'm not saying this is the answer, just a different perspective and maybe an explanation as to why you're so frustrated.

[slaborcl]

it's not important. and while you're at it, stop shaving for a few months (if she loves you , she'll get used to getting scratched when you kiss her).

And while you're at it, stop showering. She should love you for who you are, not how you smell.

And if she complains about these things, talk to all your friends so they can tell her she's being an inconsiderate jerk who should focus on "who you are, not how you smell".

If she confides politely that she wants you to clean up a bit, feel free to cry and get upset and don't have sex with her for a month.

Then when she has an affair, you can go to a male attorney (who also has a smelling problem) and get alot of emotional support . After the divorce you can commiserate with a bunch of smelly friends about how all women are insensitive a-holes.

(I realize losing weight takes far more commitment than just taking a shower, but you get the idea....)

[Alejandros Mommy]

MOD WARNING

Please let us get back to the Original question ans stop attacking each other.

[doglover07]

Physical attraction was a very important reason why people date then marry a person so why does that change once you get married. If a husband does not/cannot feel any attraction to their wife because she gained alot of weigh how is it just his problem. You cannot call them shallow and insensitive. They are being honest. They cant help what they are attracted to. Physical attraction isn't something one can control. We women ourselves do not feel sexy when we gain alot of weight, we cant expect or demand that our husband should still feel that way. They are not blind. Physical attraction isn't the most important thing in a marriage but is plays a major role. They want to know that their wife does care enough to want to look good for them. She should realize how much this bothers him and at least show some effort to improve herself. If not for him at least for herself.

[mcmama]

Weight gain is really more complicated than not bathing or doing other undesireable things. Especially with women, we pile it on when we have babies, we thicken our waists at menopause, etc. And depending on the woman, it can be very difficult to lose, or get back to anything you were like when you got married.

Going to the gym, working out, etc, can be a challenge for a stay at home mom, or for a mom who is balancing the household with an outside job. But some of us really need the guidance of a regular routine, and contact with the type of people you would find at a gym. We also have to decide that this is what we want to do ourselves. Once we do, it is great when a husband supports that. It's important that the support be unconditional too. It's not going to work if she feels she has to measure up to anyone elses expectations.

And some of us just don't lose weight. My neighbor and I were comparing notes - I just had major surgery, (not weight loss related) and she had the same operation some years ago. I was on a liquid diet for over a week, and had quite a few things removed from my insides. Now you would think I would lose weight. Nope! But she lost 11 pounds with the same thing!

The important thing with attraction is to also remember the for better or worse part of marriage, and support the partner. If there are issues in the marriage hiding under that fat, the behavior is not going to change.

I don't know a single woman who lost weight "for her husband" and kept it off. We have to do this for ourselves.