[beth]

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is not a well-known disorder but the fallout from this condition can be severe, particularly for a child with a parent who has the disorder. There is an inability to see the child as an individual with valid needs of their own, and the child grows up constantly trying to win love and affection from their parent. This continues well into adulthood and adult children in their 30, 40s and beyond find thay are so frustrated with having a parent who does not love them, no matter what they do as well as a parent who makes them feel invisible, unloved and unlovable. You can read about NPD and what it is like to grow up with a narcissitic parent here.

[Lettetalk]

Is there some way of getting through someone with NPD? I don't want to argue or retaliate in any way. That is not me. How do I confront this person that is tearing the family apart piece by piece?

[beth]

Originally Posted by Lettetalk

Is there some way of getting through someone with NPD? I don't want to argue or retaliate in any way. That is not me. How do I confront this person that is tearing the family apart piece by piece?

Hi Lettetalk,
If you are dealing with a true narcissist, then the only way of really getting through to them is to stop providing them with what they want: constant praise and attention, doing their bidding etc. This, however, has the effect of making them angry. In order to contain the damage they are wreaking on your family, you need to set and maintain very firm boundaries, which may include restricting the amount of time you spend in their company. In some situations, the abuse can be so acute that it can become necessary to end the relationship. For those who, for many reasns do not take the latter route, the best approach is to learn all you can about NPD and slowly begin to watch the behavior of the narcissitist through the lens of how a narcissitic thinks. Living with a narcissitist can be devaastating to the self-esteem and you will need to take steps to protect yourself. Good luck and feel free to contact me if you feel counseling would help. Beth

[Lettetalk]

I postively knows that my twin sister have NPD. It rans in our family from generation to the next generation. I have suffered phyiscal, verbal, emotional and mental abuses since I was two years old. I still bear the physical and emotional scars from her. I've gone to counseling for years thinking that I was the crazy one. Some of things she done that I still to this day can't believe she is capable of doing. She had destroyed alot of people lives especially those who is close to me. I feel so guilty about some of the things she had done to them because I brought her into their lives.
Three years ago, I was in a serious situation that I went to stay with my twin sister. Granted it was the worse thing I could do but in a way I was glad. It was the only time, that I was on her turf. To this day, I carried this little note in my wallet as a reminder of what I went through while I was staying with her. It was a phone number to the people at the counseling center, who was willingly put up a cot for me to stay there when I was threaten by her. For some odd reason they knew who she was. She did something that was unethical on her part to me. It gave me the courage to walk out of her life for good.
Recently, I recieved an email from her son's wife begging me for helps because of my sister. I do not know this person well. I felt it was my responsibilites to tell her about NPD and what she needed to do if she want to have relationship with her mother in law aka my sister. I just wish I knew about NPD when I was younger; but was glad to be able to help others who are young and don't need her causing problems in thier lives.
That is not my problem that I am dealing with. I guess, subconciously I knew but didn't want to believe it. My oldest daughter shows the same signs of NPD. I realized that for years, that knowing how my sister work; I was two steps ahead of my daughter and be able to veere her into different directions while she was growing up. I tried to get her into counseling, she refused. Well four years ago, I predicted what my 25 yrs old daughter, who is married and a mother of one, was about to do. Even though family was doing great together. Sure enough it had happen. It was against me and her father. She was mad because she couldnt have her ways. It tore both of our family apart again. Even with the same people my sister had malnipulated years ago. I tried to get the truth out there. But no one would listen. It was like reliving again with my sister.
Lies scream louder than the truth. Even though I had validated the truths with documents even legal documents. I feels so sad and angry at the same time. Knowing that nothing I can say or do can resolve this except to stay away. I don't want to live that way, but I guess I don't have any choice, again.

[beth]

Originally Posted by Lettetalk

I postively knows that my twin sister have NPD. It rans in our family from generation to the next generation. I have suffered phyiscal, verbal, emotional and mental abuses since I was two years old. I still bear the physical and emotional scars from her. I've gone to counseling for years thinking that I was the crazy one. Some of things she done that I still to this day can't believe she is capable of doing. She had destroyed alot of people lives especially those who is close to me. I feel so guilty about some of the things she had done to them because I brought her into their lives.
Three years ago, I was in a serious situation that I went to stay with my twin sister. Granted it was the worse thing I could do but in a way I was glad. It was the only time, that I was on her turf. To this day, I carried this little note in my wallet as a reminder of what I went through while I was staying with her. It was a phone number to the people at the counseling center, who was willingly put up a cot for me to stay there when I was threaten by her. For some odd reason they knew who she was. She did something that was unethical on her part to me. It gave me the courage to walk out of her life for good.
Recently, I recieved an email from her son's wife begging me for helps because of my sister. I do not know this person well. I felt it was my responsibilites to tell her about NPD and what she needed to do if she want to have relationship with her mother in law aka my sister. I just wish I knew about NPD when I was younger; but was glad to be able to help others who are young and don't need her causing problems in thier lives.
That is not my problem that I am dealing with. I guess, subconciously I knew but didn't want to believe it. My oldest daughter shows the same signs of NPD. I realized that for years, that knowing how my sister work; I was two steps ahead of my daughter and be able to veere her into different directions while she was growing up. I tried to get her into counseling, she refused. Well four years ago, I predicted what my 25 yrs old daughter, who is married and a mother of one, was about to do. Even though family was doing great together. Sure enough it had happen. It was against me and her father. She was mad because she couldnt have her ways. It tore both of our family apart again. Even with the same people my sister had malnipulated years ago. I tried to get the truth out there. But no one would listen. It was like reliving again with my sister.
Lies scream louder than the truth. Even though I had validated the truths with documents even legal documents. I feels so sad and angry at the same time. Knowing that nothing I can say or do can resolve this except to stay away. I don't want to live that way, but I guess I don't have any choice, again.

Hi Lettetalk,
The two most important aspects of dealing with a narcissist is learning about the disorder and learning to set firm boundaries between yourself and the NPD sufferer.

You can read all my articles on NPD here. This will help you understand the motives of a narcissist. The next is setting boundaries. You were helpful to your niece-in-law by giving her some insight into what she is dealing with with your sister. Yet it is now her and er husband's responsibilty to deal with that particular situation.

In regards to your daughter who you believe shows signs of NPD, you will again have to set firm boundaries with her regarding her behaviors. This situation must be causing you enormous stress. Although there are indications of genetic links with NPD, it is possible that your daughter doesn not have the disorder but is reacting to her genral extened family upbringing. If that were the case, thsi would be easier to address than full-blown NPD. If you would like assistance in a professional diagnosis please contact me. As you would know, you can't reason with a narcissist, but there may be some hope for your daugher if her problem is not NPD. How does her husband feel about her behaviors? Is she damaging her child?

[Lettetalk]

I thought long and hard about what you wrote. I did set boundaries with my sister and with my daughter. They used other people to break through it. The lies they had told; people react to it and used it against me and my husband. Because they didn't get their ways. They put hold on family members where they are afraid to have anything to do with us.
Since my sister is out of the picture and now we are dealing with our daughter. I am at wit end. She can do whatever she want. But don't tear other people lives apart. Like with our son who is 30 yrs old. Out of the blue, He had not talked to us since our daughter created problems. What kind of a hold does she have over him where he is afraid to talk to us. We have no way of contacting him. We were willingly to go to family counseling or mediation. She refused. Of course when she refused; others follow suit.
My health is going downhill. I don't know how much time I have. I am living day by day. I am pushing through to have a good life. I just got this strong needs to let the world know the truths. I am not doing it to retaliate against anybody. I just want to clear my name. It is like being in jail for something you didn't do. How can one defend himself when isolated?
Ive gone through 20 yrs of counselings. It had helps alot. Except for one thing; I want the truths to be told before god forbid anything happen to me. I've seen what been done to people living with guilts and regrets when they found out the truth when it was too late.
As for my daughter's husband; how he feels about it. What choice does he have? I know he loves her very deeply. We've seen where he would look away when she is wrong. Sadly he doesnt communicate with his parent because of her actions.
As for her children; she now have two daughters and recently have a son. I know in my heart that her father and I had instill very strong family values when our children were growing up. We never had any doubt about them taking care of themselves.
I've seen what my sister did to her two sons. I know they still suffering from emotional and physical abuses she had inflicted on them when they were growning up. I did something I knew I had to do by malnipulating my sister into giving her sons (they were 10 and 12) to their father few years after her and her husband divorced. She was offered an opportunity to go to school out of state and I took advantage of it because my husband and I wanted to take the boys away from her. But we knew the risks would tear our own family apart. So I was thankful for the opportunity that came her way. Which I glamorize it up to her to take it. No one know the truth about that except for my late mother. I pray what I did helps them. Now they have their own family and living away from others. I am really proud of them. I believe with them living far away from their mother helps them to be stronger against her.
As for my daughter's children, she would not let us see them since they were born. I cant tell you how she is treating them. Would she be physically abusive? I don't think so because we werent toward our children. Will she be emotionally abusive? I don't know. I don't think so or is it wishful thinking on my part.

[beth]

Originally Posted by Lettetalk

I thought long and hard about what you wrote. I did set boundaries with my sister and with my daughter. They used other people to break through it. The lies they had told; people react to it and used it against me and my husband. Because they didn't get their ways. They put hold on family members where they are afraid to have anything to do with us.
Since my sister is out of the picture and now we are dealing with our daughter. I am at wit end. She can do whatever she want. But don't tear other people lives apart. Like with our son who is 30 yrs old. Out of the blue, He had not talked to us since our daughter created problems. What kind of a hold does she have over him where he is afraid to talk to us. We have no way of contacting him. We were willingly to go to family counseling or mediation. She refused. Of course when she refused; others follow suit.
My health is going downhill. I don't know how much time I have. I am living day by day. I am pushing through to have a good life. I just got this strong needs to let the world know the truths. I am not doing it to retaliate against anybody. I just want to clear my name. It is like being in jail for something you didn't do. How can one defend himself when isolated?
Ive gone through 20 yrs of counselings. It had helps alot. Except for one thing; I want the truths to be told before god forbid anything happen to me. I've seen what been done to people living with guilts and regrets when they found out the truth when it was too late.
As for my daughter's husband; how he feels about it. What choice does he have? I know he loves her very deeply. We've seen where he would look away when she is wrong. Sadly he doesnt communicate with his parent because of her actions.
As for her children; she now have two daughters and recently have a son. I know in my heart that her father and I had instill very strong family values when our children were growing up. We never had any doubt about them taking care of themselves.
I've seen what my sister did to her two sons. I know they still suffering from emotional and physical abuses she had inflicted on them when they were growning up. I did something I knew I had to do by malnipulating my sister into giving her sons (they were 10 and 12) to their father few years after her and her husband divorced. She was offered an opportunity to go to school out of state and I took advantage of it because my husband and I wanted to take the boys away from her. But we knew the risks would tear our own family apart. So I was thankful for the opportunity that came her way. Which I glamorize it up to her to take it. No one know the truth about that except for my late mother. I pray what I did helps them. Now they have their own family and living away from others. I am really proud of them. I believe with them living far away from their mother helps them to be stronger against her.
As for my daughter's children, she would not let us see them since they were born. I cant tell you how she is treating them. Would she be physically abusive? I don't think so because we werent toward our children. Will she be emotionally abusive? I don't know. I don't think so or is it wishful thinking on my part.

Hi Lettetalk, it sounds like you not only have to set boundaries with your sister and daughter, but also with other family members that they use to get to you. It is hard for me to say whether your daughter would either physically or emotionally abuse her children---I do not have enough information about your situation. If you find you are struggling to deal with this situation you are always welcome to contact me professionally by clicking the link below. Best wishes, Beth

[jonsanrid]

How does one expose this type person to the court? How can you draw them out to show the court what we have been dealing with since 1996?

We have been terrorized by the ex wife of one of our sons - using the children as weapons, of course. My son has been prevented from seeing his children for over 6 years. We have also been denied the company of our only grandchildren.

She has kept the courts tied up with outrageous allegations - none of which she has ever proven and when called down, of course, reverts to tears and, in one instance, claimed that one of the children is autistic (not true in our opinion). In fact, in Oct. of '03 (Child was 4) she told me she was "doctor shopping" to get this child diagnosed with autism - she ultimately did succeed in this in Jan '06 (he was 7 yrs old by this time). An opinion by an earlier doctor in NC stated there was no evidence of any developmental problem. However, she takes the children to Colorado and tells doctors there that there was a positive diagnosis in NC. We know this because my son is Army and is allowed to get copies of medical records. We have numerous reports therein of her abuse of health care providers. I think we may have munchausen here also since the children's medical records are each about 1" thick.

Now she has the "he hasn't seen the children, so he should not see the children" argument going. All of this has been so masterfully orchestrated. Well, the judge in NC (kids are in Colorado) has just asked for an affadavit from my son and us about how we found out about her arrests and how we think it affects the children. We were just informed of this and they want it today. This follows our finding out about her recent arrests in Colorado and submitting that information to our attorney and the court. She was arrested, last October for domestic violence with a weapon, menacing, and child endangerment. She was found guilty and sentenced to 2 years probation. We also found she had numerous domestic violence arrests and served 3 sentences in WA before meeting and marrying my son. The children told my son about the arrests in January and I went on line and paid lexis-nexis for the reports. She has physically attacked me. Suffice it to say that the description of a serial bully fits her to a tee. Her very latest is to claim that we have said horrible things to the children, like they were almost aborted! The things I have read saying that this personality type generally “projects” what they are themselves doing really scares me. The odd thing is that, every time we go to court, my son comes out the "bad guy" and he was once ordered to be psychologically tested. He has complied. She never has submitted anything on that order and just quietly evades detection.

We feel that maybe we really have a chance to put some things on the table that have previously been thwarted. Trouble is, there is so much - where do you start? As for the children, she was arrested in front of them; she put a knife to one of the children's throat. I understand that the arrest report is 60 pages long! We actually have had a term for her for years - "psycho babble b----" - PBB for short. Sorry for the b---- word, but I suppose you get the psycho babble bit. The arrests are, I think, only a manifestation of her illness. How can the children not be affected. I know how she affects me and I am an adult and able to walk away – these kids are, gosh, I can’t even bear to think of how they are being tormented. Now the oldest is telling his father (who is limited to 1 phone call a week) that he doesn’t want to see him or us – just can’t believe that is his real feelings. We succumbed to her bullying long ago because she would abuse the children on the phone when we called or abuse us in their presence, so we stopped calling so as to not to be another reason for her to abuse those kids.
You can see I am very emotional about this – it has been the most awful roller coaster ride with her. So, let me get a grip – what words do I need to put in this judge’s ear to make her see what we have here? How do I define the damage being done to these children now and into their futures? This judge seems to believe that all women are angels and all men are monsters. If only she could be made to see through this woman.
We need help making our case.

[rmg123]

I am a first time blogger!! I came across this web-site when doing some research.
My mom has NPD plus alcoholism. My father also is an alcoholic. One of my sisters is exactly like my mom and has NPD. I will be traveling across the country to spend some time with them. I am already upset and dreading the visit. Family get togethers are horrific- my mom decides if she likes who will be there and either suddenly "becomes sick" or tries to control and change the whole affair. She has no regard for anyone's feelings. Trying to talk to my parents and sisters does not work; somehow they end up being the ones who are constantly hurt; I am alsways in the wrong. After reading the blogs, I see that the situation is grim. Eventhough I am a good wife, parent, and successful administrator, the emotional abandonment from my parents and sister reduces me to a mess. My husband and daughter no longer want to spend time with them. I do not know how to achieve a balance, if it is possible. While other members of the family comment on their hurtful behavior, no one will set limits, fearing the wrath of the NPD. Standing alone make it look like I'm the one with the problem.Any suggestions?
Perplexed in PA

[beth]

Originally Posted by rmg123

I am a first time blogger!! I came across this web-site when doing some research.
My mom has NPD plus alcoholism. My father also is an alcoholic. One of my sisters is exactly like my mom and has NPD. I will be traveling across the country to spend some time with them. I am already upset and dreading the visit. Family get togethers are horrific- my mom decides if she likes who will be there and either suddenly "becomes sick" or tries to control and change the whole affair. She has no regard for anyone's feelings. Trying to talk to my parents and sisters does not work; somehow they end up being the ones who are constantly hurt; I am alsways in the wrong. After reading the blogs, I see that the situation is grim. Eventhough I am a good wife, parent, and successful administrator, the emotional abandonment from my parents and sister reduces me to a mess. My husband and daughter no longer want to spend time with them. I do not know how to achieve a balance, if it is possible. While other members of the family comment on their hurtful behavior, no one will set limits, fearing the wrath of the NPD. Standing alone make it look like I'm the one with the problem.Any suggestions?
Perplexed in PA

Hi rmg123, see my comments on my blog posting. Best wishes, Beth