[Ribby]

Hello all. I am new to this site and really enjoy all the posts. I'm the adoptive mom of two daughters- both domestic newborn - L is 3.5 years old; and M is 1.5. Both are semi-open adoptions. I write 4 to 5 letters a year with lots of pictures to both birthmothers. When we were matched with L's birthmother at 8 months along in her pregnancy, we talked a lot on the phone and met a few times before the birth. We had a really nice relationship and respected each other immensely. We were with her when L was born and spent almost all our time with each other the next couple of days before the consents were singed. For the first 3 years, we did not hear from L's birthmom. (which I understand may be normal the first few years after the birth) Even so, we always wrote letters and sent pictures. We learned later that L's birthmother moved out of state and didn't leave a forwarding address, so all my letters and picutres stayed on file with our intermediary. My daughter knows of her adoption and we've created a lifebook that tells her story. The book contains picutres of her birthmother and L knows her birthmother by her first name. Over the last few months, she has started to ask very simple questions about her birthmother (where does she live? ...) A couple of months ago our intermediary told us that our birthmother called her and wanted to know if there were any letters and cards for her. Our intermediary sent all the ones we had sent. We were very happy to hear that she receieved all the letters and that she was doing well (she had 2 other children since then w/ a different birthfather). A few weeks later, our intermediary told us that L's birthmother called again and said she has terminal cancer. We were so saddened and devestated! Although L's birthmother didn't ask for any more or different contact with us, we wrote her a letter asking her if she wanted to visit with L or talk on the phone. We are very respectful of her wishes, but we also want her to know that due to these changed circumstances, we are willing to change our agreement on contact with each other. I would really like for her to see L so we can create those memories for L for the future and also give some peace or closure to her birthmother. We haven't heard back from L's birthmother, but I'm wondering if anyone here has advice for us, or has had this similar scenario. We'd appreciate anything.

Thank you and God bless,
Ribby

[PamConnell]

Ribby--
I adopted internationally and haven't faced this situation, and I'm not a counselor--just a writer specializing in writing about adoptions. Some of my blogs here on the Families.com site deal with "children's tough questions" or telling children tough topics like abandonment, etc. Not exactly relevant, but may be somewhat helpful.
My gut says you've done all the right things--continuing to communicate but not forcing yourself on the bmom, and asking what she wants to do given her situation.
Respecting the bmom's rights is paramount, of course, but I would gently urge her to help create some memories and/or information for your daughter to have, now or later. Perhaps you could ask her if she could, while she feels well enough, make a simple audio tape or video of herself speaking a few words to your daughter.
If she does visit or have you visit her, I would encourage all the adults to think of it more as visiting a family member or relative they haven't seen--tell her honestly that it's her birthmother whose tummy she grew in, but don't keep stressing "L's mother is dying". She might begin to fear you will die, or perhaps fear that the visit is to return her to her birthmother. Adoptive families who visit their child's home state or birth country are often advised to schedule a family trip or activity right after the visit trip, to reinforce that your nuclear family is not changing. Some general children's books about death may be helpful here--a librarian can probably recommend some.
Brenda Romanchik has published a book--whose title eludes me now--a book similar to a "baby book" designed for a birthparent to fill out for her birth child--er interests, hobbies, school struggles and strengths, etc. Perhaps you could send one to L's bmom and hope she fills it in for her.
You seem to be doing all the right things so far--hang in there.
It is important that you try to find out exactly what type and variation of cancer the birthmother has and what age she was when it first occurred. You or the intermediary should urge her to provide at least this much information for your daughter's future.
You may also try to find out where your daughter's half-brothers may be living and try to set up contact, through the intermediary if necessary, so that all the bmom's biological children can exchange medical information later.