I am new to this forum. I am a 39 year old married mother of 3 biological kids (two boys ages 21 &19, and one daughter age 15) + a 20 year old young lady we consider to be a daughter who had been one of my students when I taught elementary as well as she was my middle son's girlfriend in high school (now they just consider each other family). The boys have always been the easiest, laid back, follow the rules, happy go lucky boys. They have never given me any troubles or reasons to be concerned. They have strong leadership qualities and seem to have a strong sense of character & have always had good judgement on who they call friends. Our sons are both in college and doing well. Our older daughter, had a very brief rough patch where Lora became depressed when her biological parents became unable & unwilling to care for Lora, but she has rebounded nicely and will be attending college starting in August . Our beautiful 15 year old daughter, the child we prayed for and utterly adore, is completely the opposite and it has both her father and I so distraught.
Valley, our daughter, use to have the greatest personality although she has never had a strong judge of character. Somewhere about 13, our beautiful angel became entangled with the "Emo-Goth" crowd. She went from being so vibrant and outgoing to the dark withdrawn "I hate the world" attitude. If that isn't hard enough to work with, she met the "boy from hell," as we so fondly have labeled him. The first time that we allowed contact between them was when his parents had agreed they would be taking them to the movies with them and they would return her promptly after the movie. We later came to understand that they dropped them off and did not stay with the kid as they had stated. The next time we saw this young man he came to our house for our daughter and he looked like something out of a horror movie. My husband and my sons all looked at him and took our daughter aside and said that he was not going to be allowed in our home again. In the meantime, there was a fine young man of upstanding character and upbringing that has shown interest in our daughter. This young man would come to our home to see our daughter and would spend time with the entire family, rather then just isolate our daughter. We were pleased in this young man and fond him to be someone we were happy to have associated with our daughter. This young man came to us awhile back with concerns about the other young man still pursuing Valley, he advised us that the other young man has a reputation for have sexual conquest with all the girls in our neighborhood and wouldn't you know it he has his eyes on our daughter as his next conquest. When we found his website, this young man had post that idolized suicide, homicide, cutting, etc. We immediately contacted his parents about the website and advised them that we did not want any further contact between our daughter and their son. We thought that was the end of it and Valley never mentioned him again so we really had no idea there was still a problem.
Well, over the holidays, Valley asked us if we would allow her to have one of her friends sleep over. We had met the child and her mother on a few occassions and it seemed this girl was a nice girl. Well, we allowed the girls to stay here one night and then again a few nights later, and then lastly we allowed Valley to spend the night there one time. This past Saturday, the girl's family contacted us regarding some things that apparently took place when they were spending the night here and the rest of the family had gone to bed. On the first sleepover, the girls had asked if they could go to the park about 5pm, the park being two doors down, being that these are 15 year old girls I thought it safe but warned them they had to be in by 6 pm. At 6pm, my daughter called to ask if they could stay longer and I said "absolutely not, you have 2 minutes to be in the door before I take your friend home for not obeying." They were in the door promptly. We now come to find out that when they were down in the park, the girls met that boy, and he peirced the other girl's belly button! If that is not bad enough we also come to find out that on the second sleepover, the girls snuck out of the house after 2:30 am to go to this boys house! Valley swears she has not had sex with this young man ( not sure that I believe that) but she admits that she has been sneeking around to see him for the entire time we had thought we had put an end to this relationship!
These girls waited until my husband and I were dead asleep, my older son had left for work, and my younger son had gone to stay his cousin's house (our older daughter has her own apartment). We are horrified and just completely floored by this whole mess! After we had obtained this information from the other girl's family, we confronted our daughter. She was crying her eyes out and admitted to the entire thing saying that the other young lady made her feel as though she would not be Valley's friend if she didn't go along with her. We pointed out that Valley could not push the blame off on this other girl as at any given moment all Valley had to do was come wake us up and tell us what was going on. We also pointed out that a real "friend" would not pressure you to do something that you know to be wrong. We questioned our daughter over the situation for nearly 2 hours, she started in trying to tell us that we don't trust her. On that issue, we pointed out that if we had not trusted her we would not have been so shocked by the information from the other girl's family. Secondly, we pointed out that trust is earned not freely given and that she took that trust away in the span of a 15 minute phone call and it could literally take months if not years to regain. Valley had no business being a willing participant and we are completely disappointed in her behavior. The other young lady admitted that she was the instigator of the entire situation but it is Valley's inability to choose the right path has us at a loss for words.
Valley attends online school due to learning difficulties and health issues but she participates in all of our church activities, extra curricular activites and homeschool coalition activities. We have been very cautious about the types of people we bring into our home so that our kids would always be exposed only to the proper role models. We have talked to her about character and God's expectations from us as her parents and her as our child, as well as premarital sex, sexually transmitted diseases, etc. Our older sons and daughter have talked to her regarding peer pressure and the picking the right friends, not to mention that have been extraordinary role models for her. They have always made themselves available to her to discuss with them anything she felt she would be hard to bring to us directly. We strive for open communication in this house. The kids have always known that they could always ask for a table meeting to discuss any issues they felt needed addressing and we may be willing to compromise if the argument they presented had brought a valid point we had failed to recognize but ultimately whatever our decision or rule was as parents would be the law for all.
We have delivered a verdict on Valley's punishment regarding this situation. First, there will no further sleepovers either at our house or away no matter whom the friend is (permanently). Secondly (again permanently), we have taken her computer, all school work will be done under adult supervision in a family room and the laptop promptly removed when I leave for work at 1, school work will recess while I am work but her at least one of Valley's siblings will be present to supervise while she does her chores, school work will resume when I return from work (about 2.5 hours later). For at least the next two months, she will have no cell phone. no ipod and no friends. This matter is one that may be re-examined every 2 weeks or as necessary after the first 2 months. For her Sweet 16, we have tickets for the entire family to go to St. Thomas, that stays in effect as the trip is paid for and it is a family bonding time we could all use. However, the brand new car that her Godfather had intended to purchase her is no longer happening.
What we need now is advice...I never would have pulled the stunts this child pulls. My dad could be the biggest teddy bear and was very indulgent but I would never have risked getting on his bad side as he was just not the kind of man you made mad! In some ways, I wish the boys or Lora had given us troubles so we would have been more aware & prepared to find a way to get through to Valley. We really feel blind-sided. What do we do with Valley?!
Need advice with 15 year old daughter
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