[Aodhansdad]

Hello, i am a 33 year old Dad to my beautiful son Aodhan (Aidan, im Irish). Anyhow, when my son was 8 months old, his mom died very suddenly of heart failure. We where very much in love and had a great life together, her death came as a great shock to everyone as you can imagine. Her family is the epitomy of White trash im sorry to say, i could bore you with the thousands of reasons why they are like that ranging from living in trailers, meth addict brother, her mother telling mourners to make donations directly to her for her daughters funeral as she paid for it all when in actual fact she didn't buy as much as a bunch of flowers, the list goes on and on.
Before her death i didnt get along much with her family, it deterioated after that. They live in Las Vegas whilst i live California, all my family are back in Ireland and had virtually no-one to lean on after her death. Initially afterwards they demanded to have Aodhan twice a month, i refused and told them that they could only see him under my supervision because the mom smokes pot daily, takes pain pills and only has one arm (she lost the other crashing her car in a drink driving accident), the daughter is also a pot head, her husband beat her so bad she had broken ribs, fractured cheak bone etc, she is also heavy on xanax and often wouldnt hear her own kid cry, the brother was a full blown meth addict who is constantly in an out of jail. They claimed it was their right as it was their daughters son however i stood firm and for nearly a year i wouldnt let them near him. Finally they agreed to numerous conditions and i started to relent a little, i recognised i will not get everything my own way however taking drugs around my son was not acceptable, the daughters husband was to be nowhere near my kid and they had to take urine tests once a month.
I have since now moved on and met another women (which of course they didnt approve of) i just married this woman and my son adores her. Her family is the absolute opposite, clean people, well mannered who also have taken Aodhan in as their own. Aodhan inevitable calls my new wife mom, his family in Vegas asked me how Stefanie was being remembered to my son. To be honest, i think he's too young to be told what happened, all i have of her up in my house is a marble carved picture of him and her which i ask him to kiss every night before he goes to bed, the rest i will explain as he gets older and has the maturity to understand. I've asked her family in Vegas to respect that however they vehemently disagree, today was her birthday and whilst in the custody of my son they let off balloons for Stefanie and showed him picture after picture, they refer to my wife as mommy nikki which i feel is disrespectful. I understand their point and i understand why they want to do this but am i being overly critical in asking them to not talk to my son about his deceased mom right now until he's old enough to understand, after all i do believe that will be a deeply intimate moment between us or should i sympathise and let them explain things to my son? My heart wants her to be remembered, she was a beautiful woman whom i loved very much but my head tells me he is too young to understand this and its terribly confusing for him.
I am sorry this is a long opening post and i appreciate any help given.
Philip

[tiacann]

go with your heart, if it is telling you to wait till he is older then that is what I would do. as far as their rights they have none. you are his father and if you would wish them to stay away from him because of the way they live then you have that right. your new wife can adopt him, and have full legal rights. that is what my husband did. just because they are your sons maternal family does not give them the right to see him and or talk to him, good luck!

[mairinodohmnail]

Hi Philip,
Really, if anyone put themselves in your situation, the decision might look the same! Who wants to expose their precious child to a bunch of down-and-outers like your former inlaws? Even if your wife had lived, would you have ever allowed them to take Aodhan? Probably not. Just provide them with ample letters, photos and videos of him...and mention how he does this or that like Stephanie did. Maybe some money would ease their mind. (!?!-jokin') If you are in a happy place maybe a visit with your new wife and your son would be in order and he should never be alone with them. Unless and until (ala Dr. Phil) they get their act together-which usually doesn't happen.
You feel for them, I'm sure, that they lost a daughter/sister who was the only one of them to make it out of the familial nightmare that is their life...which may have caused them some heroine worship towards your deceased misses. Losing a loved one is always terrible, even when experienced through a drug haze. (Assumption. I have no experience with druggy hazes.) Anyone could muster some sorrow for their loss, as I'm sure you have.
Here's the thing: You do not have to wait for Aodhan to know about his mother. You can tell him all about her and say that Stephanie, who loved him so much and who gave birth to him went to meet God (whatever...etc.) There is no problem in a child's mind about who his mother is-which will be the woman who is raising him-your new wife. So, you will be able to honor Stephanie and foster good thoughts and loving feelings your son needs to have for her. At the same time, your new wife will foster the feelings of love by her actions of love and devotion to him, too. These two mothers need never be rivals in anyone's hearts.
You don't need to feel guilty.
Good luck to you, Aodhan and your new wife!

[eeveedee]

Well that sounds like a difficult situation. I really am torn between your perspective and your son's maternal family. In reality, there is such a thing as grandparents rights and if they wanted to go to court for visitation, in many cases, grandparents do receive it. However, you could fight this on the grounds of their drug use, although prescription drugs, if legally obtained with a prescription, may not fall into this category. It sounds as though your former inlaws have not pursued legal action and you could just shut them out, but how would Stephanie feel about that?? I think the birthday celebration for Stephanie with your son was quite appropriate, that was her family and still is your son's family. Your situation is a difficult one but you are ultimately in charge. To be perfectly honest, I think if it were me I would try to cut all contact with them. I would consider it rather selfish but in my child's best interest. As far as the new mommy, I say take it slow, Aodhan doesn't need to lose another mommy if the relationship doesn't work out. But should you and Nikki marry and form a secure bond, I think it is perfectly acceptable for him to call her mommy but you should be honest with him about the loss of his biological mother. Best of luck to you all!

[QueenAngie]

Congrats on your marriage to Nikki! She sounds like a loving mother to your son.

The decision to allow his birth mother's family to visit is yours and yours alone.
If you decide to have him visit this family, as a parent, I would stay there 100% of the
time and keep everything supervised. That way you feel comfortable and your child will be safe and happy.

Wishing you all the best!