[carcus]

18 years in the military, been away more than a few times doing my job. Son is 12 years old. He has a violent behavior, left the house 2 years ago and stole an axe. Got picked up by the base cops. He has no memory of it. That was about age 10, he has been kicked out of schools for threats. My wife came from an abusive family, so she is very laxed on discipline. ( I understand that) I had my son taken to a RTC for 5 months, he was good for 2 weeks after he came home. We moved to a new military base, now he is on Depacote, and a few others. He is doing better in school, but going on 13, has taken knives to the house. Our first house we bought. The last base house he took knives and stabbed the walls. He is starting to work on this house as well. He is very antisocial and has problems with other kids. Worried. Wife and I fight all the time over him, so bad, now at the divorce stage...Doctors say he is bipolar, ADD, and ODD.....he has memory problems, and hoards food. Stealing food and items of value is a big issue. He has stolen my wifes diamond rearings, and gold chains. My wife gets mad when I get mad at him. He stays in his room and plays video games all day till a few days ago, I took them away and trashed them, he said he would kill me. He goes through these aggessive fits. I looked at aspergers, but with the militay medical system, they do not deal well with kids. What do I do? Wife was abused and she lets him say the F bomb to me, I grew up with a smack to the face with that from my mom. I just want the best for him. The fighting between us is now so tiring, and I am looking at going back to the Middle East again for the 5th time. Any help would be appreciated, also, the wife is on Welbutrin......it just gets better and better.

[QueenAngie]

Welcome to the board!

Appreciate that you are serving America and one of our heros!

Preteen, and teenaged boys are tough, even when they are 'good' and Dad is able to be home every night with them.
Enough to give both Mom & Dad gray hair.

Gotta agree that we do not tolerate the dirty talk in our home either. (No, we are not perfect as parents, but we try our hardest.)

I do not know what is available to you in the military with help for your son. Am hoping another military family will advise.

Sounds like he needs to be evaluated neurologically, psychologically, and physically to me.

Whatever meds he is on at this point are not working. Maybe he needs inpatient treatment, even to get things regulated.

It is not normal to have knives stuck in the walls in a home. I think I'd be hiding all the knives, sharp scissors, etc or remove them from the house. Could they be locked in a safe?

This child needs help. Now. Before you leave for your tour of duty. You note that your wife is lax when it comes to the boy.

If you do not get him under control at age 12......how will it be at age 16 or age 18?

Wishing you all the best. Please let us know how things go for you and your family.

[wanttobemommy]

I am a military dependant and can say there IS TONS of help available on base. I was diagnosed with bipolor (no longer an active diagnosis) when I was in 7th grade the military hospital has physcologists and other help available. Fort Belvoir even had an impatient/out paitient treatment. It was like school but under medical supervision you did your school work and couseling and things like that even field trips. So take a look around. The military is ACTUALLY really great about helping kids with special needs. Bethesda Navel hospital has a psyciatiric unit just for kids at their hospital

[DivasMomma]

my sister was EXACTLY the same, well still is. She is 18 now, diagnosed bipolar at 13. She also was violent and stayed in her room (still does) and plays video games. She is extremely atristic and that is how she now vents her anger....is there anything like that you can get him to do? write, draw, paint, anything?

[mcmama]

This does not sound like Aspbergers. Is your child adopted? Or were there early traumas?

Anna Glendenning wrote a series of articles for us last year on her daughter's issues with Reactive Attachment Disorder. Also has posted here in the forums. If any of this sounds familiar, this may be what you are dealing with. I don't know.

You might also want to reach out to our mental health blogger, Beth McHugh.

[beth]

Originally Posted by carcus

18 years in the military, been away more than a few times doing my job. Son is 12 years old. He has a violent behavior, left the house 2 years ago and stole an axe. Got picked up by the base cops. He has no memory of it. That was about age 10, he has been kicked out of schools for threats. My wife came from an abusive family, so she is very laxed on discipline. ( I understand that) I had my son taken to a RTC for 5 months, he was good for 2 weeks after he came home. We moved to a new military base, now he is on Depacote, and a few others. He is doing better in school, but going on 13, has taken knives to the house. Our first house we bought. The last base house he took knives and stabbed the walls. He is starting to work on this house as well. He is very antisocial and has problems with other kids. Worried. Wife and I fight all the time over him, so bad, now at the divorce stage...Doctors say he is bipolar, ADD, and ODD.....he has memory problems, and hoards food. Stealing food and items of value is a big issue. He has stolen my wifes diamond rearings, and gold chains. My wife gets mad when I get mad at him. He stays in his room and plays video games all day till a few days ago, I took them away and trashed them, he said he would kill me. He goes through these aggessive fits. I looked at aspergers, but with the militay medical system, they do not deal well with kids. What do I do? Wife was abused and she lets him say the F bomb to me, I grew up with a smack to the face with that from my mom. I just want the best for him. The fighting between us is now so tiring, and I am looking at going back to the Middle East again for the 5th time. Any help would be appreciated, also, the wife is on Welbutrin......it just gets better and better.

It sounds like you and your wife would benefit from some couples counseling. Regardless of your son's diagnosis, it would be much better for him if the two of you could operate as a cohesive and civil couple, but it doesn't seem as though that is happening here. Any excessive hostility between you and your wife will reinforce your son's behavior. If you can address the issues between you, you will be in a much better position to help your son deal with his. With your wife on Wellbutrin, she would also be finding it extremely difficult to deal with the behaviors of your son. She needs support too and couples counseling would help in that respect as well.

[jkl123]

My son is 12 and has been diagnosed with Aspberger's, Bi-Polar and Sensory Intergration Disorder, so I know a bit of the frustartion level you are going through. There are several things that could be a factor here: Obviously, his meds are the wrong ones for him. These diseases (and they ARE diseases) are chemical imbalances in the brain, and not the same meds work for everyone. Unfortunately, that is trial and error. I highly recommend you get him into counseling ASAP if he is not already going. Be sure the counselor is a confronting, no-nonsense type - not the coddling, soothing type. This was a key factor with our son having some success in counseling - he learned to manipulate counselors, but as soon as we got one that put her foot down and did not tolerate his rudeness, we saw slow progress being made.
Take a close look at your home life... does he have reason for buried anger?? Perhaps you and your wife fight?? Critisize each other or him?? Perhaps he is angry about the times you can't be with him?? Children with these types of chemical imbalances can not diffuse normal anger/emotion properly and therefore gets pent up. They don't know how to deal with their feelings and often refuse to take responsibility for their actions, truly believing everything is everyone else's fault.
I also suggest couples' counseling, or at least a support group. Another thing you may want to consider is parenting counseling.. in no way am I suggesting you and your wife are bad parents, but often when parents have 2 different styles of parenting, the child learns to manipulate eachone. Parenting counseling will help the 2 of you compromise in your parenting stratagies and come up with a game plan you both will stick to. It's VERY IMPORTANT to back each other up in front of your child, even if privately you disagree with the other's parenting decisions. That is something that should always be discussed in private.
Find a strenght of your child's and make a big deal of it. Maybe he's good with animals. Maybe he's really smart inmath. Maybe he's creative. Find something-anything- and build up his self-esteem with this. Kids that act out suffer from low self-esteem and feeling like they are not good enough, not worth it. Obvoisly, this is not the only reason they get into trouble, but it is always a contributing factor.
Above all alse, DON'T GIVE UP ON HIM!!! I can honestly tell you there were days when I wanted to quit, and didn't know if I could go on because nothing seemed to be changing. We held on, even when I swear we were banging our heads against a wall for nothing, and slowly but surely, there have been changes. Baby steps at first, but they all add up. There IS a light at the end of the tuneel, if you just hang on. And you're son will see you are fighting for him, though he may never acknowledge it. It's a hard road.
Feel free to PM if you ever need to talk, vent, whatever.
And btw, THANK YOU for serving... another difficult job to do.

[beth]

Originally Posted by jkl123

My son is 12 and has been diagnosed with Aspberger's, Bi-Polar and Sensory Intergration Disorder, so I know a bit of the frustartion level you are going through. There are several things that could be a factor here: Obviously, his meds are the wrong ones for him. These diseases (and they ARE diseases) are chemical imbalances in the brain, and not the same meds work for everyone. Unfortunately, that is trial and error. I highly recommend you get him into counseling ASAP if he is not already going. Be sure the counselor is a confronting, no-nonsense type - not the coddling, soothing type. This was a key factor with our son having some success in counseling - he learned to manipulate counselors, but as soon as we got one that put her foot down and did not tolerate his rudeness, we saw slow progress being made.
Take a close look at your home life... does he have reason for buried anger?? Perhaps you and your wife fight?? Critisize each other or him?? Perhaps he is angry about the times you can't be with him?? Children with these types of chemical imbalances can not diffuse normal anger/emotion properly and therefore gets pent up. They don't know how to deal with their feelings and often refuse to take responsibility for their actions, truly believing everything is everyone else's fault.
I also suggest couples' counseling, or at least a support group. Another thing you may want to consider is parenting counseling.. in no way am I suggesting you and your wife are bad parents, but often when parents have 2 different styles of parenting, the child learns to manipulate eachone. Parenting counseling will help the 2 of you compromise in your parenting stratagies and come up with a game plan you both will stick to. It's VERY IMPORTANT to back each other up in front of your child, even if privately you disagree with the other's parenting decisions. That is something that should always be discussed in private.
Find a strenght of your child's and make a big deal of it. Maybe he's good with animals. Maybe he's really smart inmath. Maybe he's creative. Find something-anything- and build up his self-esteem with this. Kids that act out suffer from low self-esteem and feeling like they are not good enough, not worth it. Obvoisly, this is not the only reason they get into trouble, but it is always a contributing factor.
Above all alse, DON'T GIVE UP ON HIM!!! I can honestly tell you there were days when I wanted to quit, and didn't know if I could go on because nothing seemed to be changing. We held on, even when I swear we were banging our heads against a wall for nothing, and slowly but surely, there have been changes. Baby steps at first, but they all add up. There IS a light at the end of the tuneel, if you just hang on. And you're son will see you are fighting for him, though he may never acknowledge it. It's a hard road.
Feel free to PM if you ever need to talk, vent, whatever.
And btw, THANK YOU for serving... another difficult job to do.

As a practising psychologist, I would like to comment on the above post in reference to the original problem presented. Asperger's disorder is unlikely in this case, as the noted behaviors do not tally with the obvious symptoms of this disorder. Asperger's is currently the "flavor of the month" and as such is overdiagnosed by practitioners at present. I would advise any parent with a child with suspected Asperger's to seek several opinions.
Asperger's disorder was named by Hans Asperger in 1944. Please note spelling, there is a tendency for many people to misspell the condition. Most importantly, Asperger's is a developmental disorder, and as such is not caused by a chemical imbalance.
I also disagree with the comment to have the boy seen to by a no-nonsense counselor, not a soft one. Any counselor worth their money adapts themselves to each client as an individual. Thus what works for one client does not necessarily work for the next. It is a mistake to treat all individuals in a particular way, based on their supposed diagnosis. Individuals are just that, and should be treated as such.
I do agree with the suggestion to praise the boy's strong points. And I would repeat my previous advice that couples counseling is required since the level of friction in the household would definitely be contributing to the behaviors mentioned.

[jkl123]

Beth,
Perhaps you did not completely read through my post - I said my son has Aspberger's AND Bi-Polar - which IS a chemical imbalance. It is widely believe that there is a connection between these types of disorders (and I refer to autism as a whole). It is important to know this, as both these types of children struggle with dealing with their feelings/emotions/etc. Asberger's children have a higher order of thinking, therefore making it more difficult to connect with the 'normal' world. Bi-Polar (which, by the way, I have as well) can make it hard to deal with rage/emotion/connections. To say this is the so-called flavor of diagnosis these days is a bit stretching- all experts believe autism is on the rise, and again, many believe there is a connection in the brain relating to these disorders. On a personal note, I have done the research myself, had my son evaluated by many 'experts' such as yourself, and studied the results... he definetly falls into the catagories of Asberger's and Bi-Polar, although not black and whte of either.
The origianl poster was looking for ideas to help him... therefore, I contributing my idea of a sterner counselor. My son has been in counseling for 7 years - the first 5 with a more mello, laid-back counselor. We got nowhere. His new one, though very good at reading him and his moods, has put her foot down and told our son that she will not tolerate rudeness, disrespect, or intolerance in her room. Slowly, but surely, they have developed a rapport. As any qualified counselor would know, not every child is the same, anot every method will work for every child. I would hope all of their education would help them in their decision of what would work for each individual. But sense the original poster has a child similiar to mine, and was searching for suggestions, again, I gave him an idea of what mightt work for his child.
I agree, the child stated does not seem to have Aspberger's, but as I have learned the hard way, nothing is cut and dry. I don't really think the "diagnsis" really matters, but understanding some of these issues makes it easier to determine what may work. I am sure you have a lot of experience in your line of work, but if you don't have a child with these conditions, it's different. You go to work and deal with these kids 9 to 5 and go home... I deal with mine 24 hours a day. I think that experience is in a seperate class.
One last thing... I don't think the spelling matters much, does it?? I've probably mis-spelled a dozen words so far.

[beth]

I did not make any comments about your son's situation. I merely pointed out that Asperger's is currently overdiagnosed, to the detriment of the child and the parents. Incorrect diagnosis slows down management and is therefore a serious problem. You will also noticed that I acknowledged the valid statements you made about seeking counseling for the parents concerned. And as far as individual treatment of individual clients, I don't see that we disagree there either.